The last post I did received some feedback, all positive stuff about how my sharing my struggle with anxiety and depression has helped people, and also how I shouldn't change how I deal with girls. Thank you to those who wrote me. I even had a friend who I hadn't heard from in a while send me a message to say he'll always be there if I need him. Guys don't generally do that, so that meant a lot. Again, I love hearing feedback from people, so if you are affected by something I say or just find it entertaining (or horrible, whatever), let me know. The easiest ways are through a Facebook message if you know my name, or send me an email at dmblum33@hotmail.com.
Average-looking smart chicks are sexier than hot-as-hell dumb chicks. There's not much sexier than someone who you can share a conversation with on several topics and you can tell they're passionate about. Looks are going to fade. How you feel when talking to someone should be the main barometer. Now, I'll be the first to admit that there has to be a physical attraction for there to be a romantic relationship. Otherwise you're just friends. But it's lower on the "importance" scale than several other factors.
Along those same lines, I'd like to go on record as saying Olivia Wilde is hotter than Megan Fox, in my opinion. Of course all of this is just based off of appearances, acting and interviews on late night talk shows. People may think I'm nuts, because Megan Fox has been voted Sexiest Woman Alive by several magazines. But to me, Megan Fox seems a bit high on herself and stuck up, and maybe not the sharpest knife on the Christmas tree. Olivia Wilde seems fun and silly, and she's able to talk about a bunch of different things and sound smart. That's attractive. And her eyes are like pools of sex. That doesn't suck.
Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait but it's more difficult to regret.
Jennifer Nettles has a gorgeous voice.
One of the coolest things you can hear is "I can't stop thinking about you."
Girls, if you tell us that you just got out of the shower, we picture you nekkid. Also, if you're a complete stranger but look attractive, we do the same thing. We're visual creatures, us men.
If depression had a sound, it would be me opening a bag of Doritos while watching "To Catch a Predator".
If I were a professional wrestler, my finishing move would be to force my opponent to drink orange juice after brushing his teeth.
I'd rather check my dad's prostate than listen to a half hour of 104.7 KCLD.
Recent quote from a co-worker: "Fuck, I'm not paying for your movie if you're not going to blow me," about a gal he was starting to see. Oh.
Fuck, marry, kill: me, Channing Tatum, Robert Pattinson. I do not snore, btw.
Ladies, if you keep chasing guys who don't give a shit about you, you'll end up with a guy who doesn't give a shit about you. Don't be surprised. Quit trying to be the one "good enough" to "change" them.
I don't always walk into doors, but when I do, it's because I'm looking at the butt of the hot girl walking by.
Remember Freddie Prinze Jr.? LOL!
Most people stay mad at their alarm clocks for only a few minutes, but I come home from work and give mine a flying elbow smash from the dresser 10 hours later.
Yoga pants are the push-up bras of butts.
Yesterday, I flexed my bicep at a 65-year old female coworker and asked if it turned her on.
My dad pronounces "wash" like "warsh" but he fed and clothed me for 18 years, so we'll call it a "warsh". #nailedit #dadslam
I injured my elbow doing jumping jacks last night. When is the next Olympics?
Went to the Albertville mall with the family on Saturday, Mom's birthday is coming up so we all pooled our cash together to buy her a Coach purse (Dad might have mortgaged the house). While there, I walked past an attractive blonde girl, and my gaze went from her face to her ring finger, THEN to her boobs. I have no idea what that means, but it makes me very nervous. She was probably a Scorpio or Pisces :) (I'm a Cancer). You know how much stock I put in Zodiac signs now since I'm the walking poster boy for male Cancer's.. Seriously, click this link, read it and tell me it's not me, for better or worse: http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/cancer.htm
A couple Tweets from a coworker that I found interesting:
"Why do women always date the assholes before they 'settle' with who is actually the best choice anyway?"
"Women like to be put last, beat, cheated on, degraded and disrespected. Then say 'where are the good guys?' Umm, look elsewhere than jail."
In a few weeks, I'll be shipped off to Denver, CO for work. If you haven't read this blog for long, read what happens when I travel for work in this post from August 11, 2009: http://www.fluentlysarcastic.blogspot.com/2009/08/anything-but-mine.html
What society thinks an anxiety disorder is: Someone gets uncomfortable in certain situations: public speaking, driving, flying, etc. and it's something that comes and goes and doesn't really affect the day-to-day life. Take a few deep breaths and everything is fine.
What an anxiety disorder is: There are millions of people who suffer from anxiety disorders, a lot of them have it worse than I do. But here is what I experience when my anxiety is bad: it is physically uncomfortable to do anything. Life is not enjoyable. The only time I feel "normal" is when I'm asleep. I've found out that most of my tension is stored in my upper back, so it becomes super tight and that causes headaches and pain in my chest. My left arm and leg will tingle and I'll get dizzy. My heart will beat so fast, and it will get hard to take full breaths. I'm also a hypochondriac, so I am CONSTANTLY checking my body unconsciously to see if there's any weird pains. A headache is a brain tumor, tingling in my arm is a stroke. I am constantly thinking, my brain never ever turns off. If I'm bored and alone, that's a bad spot for me to be in, because I think about negative things. My last post included an episode in February that was pretty bad, and shortly after that I had a bad bout of depression. I go out to my parents house on Sunday afternoons and eat dinner there, and my parents like to watch "60 Minutes" at 6:00 on Sundays. I absolutely hate that show. Almost every story is how other countries are preparing to bomb us, or how sugar now causes cancer, etc. For someone who is a chronic negative thinker (which is all people with anxiety), that's scary stuff to hear. Anyway, one particular Sunday night, I was laying on my parents couch trying to nap after dinner, and "60 Minutes" is on. Of course, another one of their "end of the world" stories comes on or whatever, and my mind is just racing. This was when I was still off my medication and had been in a couple month stretch of bad anxiety. I was starting to become depressed, wondering if I'd have to live this way the rest of my life. And this story on "60 Minutes" just had my mind snowballing in the worst way. "I hate my job", "I don't have a lot of money", "I've never had a girlfriend, what the fuck is wrong with me?", "all my friends are either married or in a long-term relationship, where do I go to find a good girl for me?", "will the Vikings ever win a Super Bowl while I'm alive?" (kidding, but seriously..?) You get the idea. If it was a negative thought, I had it, and I thought there was no escaping it. Eventually I talked to a good friend of mine who is a physician's assistant, she got me hooked up with a therapist and advised me to go back on medication. You can go through the anxiety and depression thousands of times, you can know EXACTLY what it is, but each and every time, it's terrifying. What if this time it's something worse? What if this time it never goes away? How can I possibly live like this? It's so frustrating. I can't use generalizations because I don't know how the majority of people are, but I imagine most people wake up with a sunny disposition and expect to have a good day, or something to look forward to. When I wake up, the first thing I do is a mental checklist of how I'm feeling. It's the first thing on my mind, unless I have a gal that I'm crushing on, then it's probably her. Then I pray that "today is a good day." Bad days are horrible, "good" days are spent wondering when the day is going to turn bad. And that causes anxiety, and that causes the physical symptoms. It's all intertwined and connected. These are not exaggerations, or something that I'm saying to get sympathy or to have people look at me differently. I have happy times, I have hobbies, I have passions, I have dreams, I have love for others.. but there are times that I've gone to bed wondering if I was going to wake up or not. When I first noticed the physical symptoms in the spring of '06, I had almost stopped eating and became very skinny. To the point where numerous members of my extended family at a wedding had commented on it. Here's a picture from that time frame over 6 years ago, sickly skinny:
I recently read an article on Tumblr by a comedian named Rob Delaney, who wrote about his battle with depression. As he says, the reason I post about my anxiety and depression issues is because it might help people. It normalizes it and helps people realize that they're not alone. Not that you want other people to experience the horrible things you experience, but you know that others have gotten through it. A lot of my issue is that I'll put others happiness before my own. In life. At work. Everywhere. I'll suffer a little bit if it makes other people happy or makes them like me. And that isn't healthy all the time. Anyway, I was affected by his article, I'll post it for you to read:
On Depression & Getting Help
This was originally posted February 26, 2010.I deal with suicidal, unipolar depression and I take medication daily to treat it. Over the past seven years, I’ve had two episodes that were severe and during which I thought almost exclusively of suicide. I did not eat much and lost weight during these episodes. I couldn’t sleep at all, didn’t even think about sex, and had constant diarrhea. The first thing I did each morning was vomit. My mind played one thought over and over, which was “Kill yourself.” It was also accompanied by a constant, thrumming pain that I felt through my whole body. I describe the physical symptoms because it helps to understand that real depression isn’t just a “mood.” These two episodes were the most difficult experiences of my life, by a wide margin, and I did not know if I would make it through them. To illustrate how horrible it was, being in jail in a wheelchair with four broken limbs after the car accident that prompted me to get sober eight years ago was much, much easier and less painful. That isn’t an exxageration and I hope it helps people understand clinical depression better; I’m saying that I would rather be in jail in a wheelchair with a body that doesn’t work than experience a severe episode of depression.
To clarify the timeline, I got sober eight years ago and my first episode of depression was seven years ago. I had been in talk-therapy with a psychologist for months and was getting used to life without booze. It’s my understanding that it’s not terribly rare for someone in early sobriety to get depressed. I started to exhibit the symptoms I described above and had no idea what was happening. My psychologist urged me to see a psychiatrist, as did my family, among whom alcoholism and depression are old pals, so to speak. Everyone wanted me to go on medication, except me. I felt that it would be “weak” to do so and that I could soldier through and get a handle on it. But everything got worse and it was terrifying. Most of my thoughts were telling me to kill myself and I began fantasizing constantly about suicide. The images of my head being blown apart by a shotgun blast or me swimming out into the ocean until I got tired and drowned played over and over in my head. My whole body hurt, all the time.
Fortunately, a tiny part of me recognized my thought process as “crazy.” I knew that if anyone other than me was describing these symptoms I would lovingly handcuff them and take them to the hospital and help the shit out of them, whether they liked it or not. So I tried very hard to step out of myself and look at the situation with a modicum of objectivity and “imagine” that I was someone who deserved help.
Quite literally I thought, “I don’t think anyone else would shoot me with a shotgun, so maybe, temporarily, I’ll postpone that and try this Lexapro that everyone who knows me is recommending.”
It worked. It wasn’t magical, but it addressed some chemical issues in my brain that allowed me, gradually, to feel better and actually experience my life. I ate again, slept again, got boners when I encountered attractive women, and made normal number twos when I went to the bathroom. I didn’t and don’t feel euphoric all the time or anything. I still get angry, sad, and afraid sometimes. But I also get happy, excited, and horny too. I experience the full range of human emotions, rather than just one horrible one.
Just under eighteen months ago, after a couple of years of both my marriage and my decision to pursue comedy full-time, I experimented with a lower dose of medication and had another episode. It was as bad or worse than the first one, but thankfully I had some idea of how to deal with it. This episode drove home the knowledge that, like alchoholism, depression demands respect and attention. Whether it’s a “good” thing or a “bad” thing, I cannot pretend to know, but it exists and it can kill you dead.
My psychiatrist adjusted my dose and I got feeling better over time. If you know me personally, all this information may surprise you, as I think I generally have a pretty sunny demeanor. For most of my life, I’ve been a happy, optimistic guy. But for whatever reason, I’ve had depression of a serious, life-threatening nature rear its head a couple of times.
The sole reason I’ve written this is so that someone who is depressed or knows someone who is depressed might see it. While great strides have been made in mental health over the years, certain stigmas still exist. I strongly resisted medication at first. But after having been through depression and having had the wonderful good fortune to help a couple of people who’ve been through it, I will say that as hard as it is, IT CAN BE SURVIVED. And after the stabilization process, which can be and often is fucking terrifying, a HAPPY PRODUCTIVE LIFE is possible and statistically likely. Get help. Don’t think. Get help.
http://robdelaney.tumblr.com/post/414007899/on-depression-getting-help
I found a couple pictures of my family that I'd like to share. They are on Facebook as well, so some of you may have seen them. But I like to share them because they're the most important people in my life, and I look pretty cute in some of them:
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| My brother Bryan, me, my sister Nikki, my mom and dad in Duluth. My brother Steve wasn't along on this vacation. He'll be in the next picture. |
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| My brother Steve, Bryan, me and Dad before golfing. |
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| My niece Aubrey and I. Ignore the hat hair, focus on her blue eyes and matching hat. One morning she woke me up to say "I like Bon Jovi. I hate Justin Bieber." So you know she's a cool cat. |
Sometimes I wish I could be an asshole so I could date cool, attractive chicks. It gets old seeing girls with guys you know are horrible for them, and you wonder why they're together. Recently someone told me about a couple he knows, where the guy gets abusive when he drinks. He once pushed her across the yard at a bonfire they were at. At that point, the girl should say "it's me or the alcohol". If that's how you act when you drink, don't drink. If people started telling me that I was an idiot when I drank, or I was abusive or mean-spirited, I'd stop drinking. It's not that important to me. Alcohol makes me a few things: happy, more outgoing, and more sexual. You know, normal things. I have never been mean or abusive to anyone, except people that were messing with people I cared about. Then I turn into a different person. But I'd do that sober. I remember a specific event as a kid that relates to this in a way. My sister and I had the typical brother-sister relationship while growing up. We'd fight over everything. She and I were downstairs at my parents, arguing about something. She turned around to walk away, and I hit her as hard as I could with a balled up fist in her back. It made a loud, hollow sound and she lost her breath. I'll never forget what she said to me: "you're going to grow up to beat your wife." That hit me harder than I hit her. I went to my room, laid down and thought about that. I vowed to never hit her again, and of course, no other girl. Heck, I'm to the point where I don't even flirt with girls or hit on them because I'm scared I'll offend them. I'll only flirt if I'm fairly confident they're into me as well, and even then, I tread lightly. I can't imagine hurting someone that I "love" and being okay with it, acting like it never happened.
I think it's important to surround yourself with people who better your life. Make you happy. Make you think. I think one of the worst mistakes you can make is pushing away someone who has your best interest at heart and is genuine. Those people are so, so, so hard to find. Maybe it's because I've been misled and wronged by people I've never expected it from. People who have called themselves my close friends and claimed to care about my feelings. Nothing hurts worse than realizing someone you trusted was dishonest with you. So the people who you can completely trust, they need to be held on to. It's cliche' but life is too short to spend it unhappy or trying to change someone into a better person. Find a person who's good already and enjoy the hell out of them, in friendships or romantic relationships. It's hard for me to understand how some people migrate to those who are clearly bad for them. Everyone says they value trust in relationships, but then so many people spend time with people they can't trust. Either they've been hurt so many times that they just think that's how it should go, or they brush it off as a "one time thing". At this point in our lives, we are who we are, a person just doesn't suddenly change into a prince or princess. I'm as guilty as everyone else. I've spent time with people who I knew were bad for me and would likely hurt me, friends told me they were bad for me, so I know it's hard. Some people are too quick to trust others. In my case, it takes me a long time to trust someone, but when I do, I fully trust them. I open up to them and tell them things I usually keep secrets. If I've done that with you, I've thought you were special. I don't put many people in that category. Family, roommate, and a handful of others. And if you betray that trust, you will have a very, very hard time gaining it back. I've never been in love (as you know), so the worst pain I have felt to date is being betrayed by "friends". Sure, I've liked girls, and had most of those "relationships" end quickly and poorly for whatever reasons, and that sucks, because I always throw everything into it and try too quickly to "fall in love" to see what that's like. I've heard good things. But one thing that I pride myself on is being a great friend, someone that people can come to for anything without worrying about being judged, or me betraying them. I don't care what has gone on in anyone's past, if you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. If I eventually decide that you have good character, I'll help you every chance I can. I have friends who used to have eating disorders, they've been clinically depressed, they've had terrible breakups, drug or alcohol addictions, divorced parents, abusive boyfriends, cheating girlfriends... I can't relate to any of these things, minus the depression. But I love helping people and making them see what they're worth, so I let them know that my door is always open. Your past doesn't define you, and mine doesn't define me. I used to be an acne-covered geek who wore sweatpants to school and yelled at my sister for drinking in high school. Now, you'd be hard-pressed to find someone cooler than me, even if I don't believe that. My parents are still together, I've never experienced love, I've never touched a drug.. but I have a way of putting myself in other people's shoes and empathizing. If someone I care about is hurting, I hurt, and I think about things to say to them to make it better. It's always important for me to let people know how I feel, and sometimes that gets me in trouble, because maybe it's too strong or too fast. But I never want to be in a situation where I have to wonder if people knew how much I cared for them. I love hearing people say they care for me and listening to me if I need to vent, so I try to be that person for the people I care about. I like to give them all of the information up front, and they can do what they want with it. Be with me or turn your back on me. But if you turn your back, keep walking, and good luck finding someone as genuine as I am. You will regret it..
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| I've seen this couple walking and holding hands many days on my way to work, and it always makes me smile. I want that. |
If you want to get inside the head of someone, read the lyrics of songs that they like. Mine paint me as a (surprise) hopeless romantic. A few songs that I've been digging lately:
Erick Baker "Unbroken Promise"
Baby take off your coat
And I’ll loosen my tie
You are far too beautiful
For us to turn off the lights
Your December skin
And a trail of our clothes
You can keep your socks on
If your feet are cold
Your red wind tongue
My sudden loss of breath
You like the sound of my heartbeat
When you lay your head on my chest
But I don’t want to have to ask permission
Give me a chance
It won’t be perfect, just an unbroken promise from
An imperfect man
Erick Baker "Stay Awhile"
I won't be afraid of growing old
If I have you hand to hold
I'm looking for eternity
Will you find it with me
Please stay awhile
Show me how to smile
Please stay awhile
I am not a great man
But I'll give you all I can
I'll be the lashes on your eyes
Catch every tear that you cry
Let's fill this room with empty coffee cups so we don't ever have to go to sleep
Because if I close my eyes I fear tomorrow won't let this day repeat
My life's been filled with turned out lights and haunted by the hurt of closing doors
Let's turn the locks and lose the keys because I don't want them open anymore
I see you in an antique wedding gown and me slowly walking down the aisle
And won't you be the mother of my child
I can see you every time she smiles
I love your smile
I can see you every time she smiles
I love your smile
So please, stay awhile
Please stay, awhile
Ron Pope "In My Bones"
I thought I saw an angel
Calling me across the yard
She said ‘baby, it’s been real
Now I’m gone’
I should’ve known much better
You can’t tame something that wild
When I asked her if she loved me
She just smiled
But it’s my fault
I don’t care
I can’t hate you if you’re not here
Once you go, never ever turn around
I have sacrificed and I burned
Oh, you gotta live before you learn
And I wanted the truth but sometimes the truth hurts
And my angel with her dirty wings
She used to make me smile
She kept all of her secrets locked inside
In a place I could not reach her
Though I tried with all my might
When I begged for something real she said ‘goodbye’
And it’s my fault
I don’t care
I can’t hate you if you’re not here
Once you go, never ever turn around
I have sacrificed and I burned
Oh, you gotta live before you learn
And I wanted the truth but sometimes the truth hurts
And I am sure it’ll be just fine
If I remember, she wasn’t ever mine
And I am sure it’ll be just fine
If I remember, she wasn’t ever mine
And the truth about the two of us
Is we don’t make no sense
When we made love, our love was just pretend
And now I’m trying to forget her
But I feel her in my bones
And I wonder if she thinks of me at all
But it’s my fault
I don’t care
I can’t hate you if you’re not here
Once you go, never ever turn around
I have sacrificed and I burned
Oh, you gotta live before you learn
And I wanted the truth but sometimes the truth hurts..
Calling me across the yard
She said ‘baby, it’s been real
Now I’m gone’
I should’ve known much better
You can’t tame something that wild
When I asked her if she loved me
She just smiled
But it’s my fault
I don’t care
I can’t hate you if you’re not here
Once you go, never ever turn around
I have sacrificed and I burned
Oh, you gotta live before you learn
And I wanted the truth but sometimes the truth hurts
And my angel with her dirty wings
She used to make me smile
She kept all of her secrets locked inside
In a place I could not reach her
Though I tried with all my might
When I begged for something real she said ‘goodbye’
And it’s my fault
I don’t care
I can’t hate you if you’re not here
Once you go, never ever turn around
I have sacrificed and I burned
Oh, you gotta live before you learn
And I wanted the truth but sometimes the truth hurts
And I am sure it’ll be just fine
If I remember, she wasn’t ever mine
And I am sure it’ll be just fine
If I remember, she wasn’t ever mine
And the truth about the two of us
Is we don’t make no sense
When we made love, our love was just pretend
And now I’m trying to forget her
But I feel her in my bones
And I wonder if she thinks of me at all
But it’s my fault
I don’t care
I can’t hate you if you’re not here
Once you go, never ever turn around
I have sacrificed and I burned
Oh, you gotta live before you learn
And I wanted the truth but sometimes the truth hurts..
Spent last night at the gym and in the sauna. Per usual, Cosmo was along for the ride. "25 Sex Moves He Wishes You'd Do". A few of my favorites (Nik, you can stop reading). I'll put some of my own comments in (parentheses):
-Push me against the wall, then make me watch while you strip. Once you're naked, start kissing me all over. It's a hot build up..
-Dare me to get you wet in less than a minute. Only dirty talk, no touching allowed. When the time is up, grab my hand and put it between your legs so I can see if I "won". (If your hand is between her legs, you've at least made it to extra innings).
-When I'm giving you oral, put one hand on the back of my head and press me closer to you, and at the same time, push up with your hips. It lets me know you're into what I'm doing.
-While we're having sex, look down and tell me how much you love seeing me inside you. It's hot to know you like the visual too.
-During doggie-style, playfully turn around and say something like "Is that as hard as you can go?" Game on. (Wow).
-Lift your skirt, pull your panties to the side and bend over. (This one wins. It wins everything).
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