Sunday, April 25, 2010

champagne and cigarettes..

this post is being co-brought to you by Justin Bleiber and that chicken sandwich at KFC that doesn't use a bun..

remember that TV show a few years ago called "The Moment of Truth"? i miss it.. they would hook these people up to lie detectors and ask them a bunch of personal questions about their marriages/relationships/etc.. if they told the whatever amount of times, they'd get $500,000 but likely ruin their relationships.. i remember one woman who was fairly attractive, she was married to a guy who traveled with bands for his job or whatever, so he was gone a lot.. anyway, she gets these questions like "would you say it is sometimes a struggle to stay faithful to your husband?" and "have you ever done something while your husband was away on business that you feel guilty about?" and "have you ever regretted marrying your husband?".. she answered yes to ALL of these questions.. of course, if she would have said "no", she would have been lying and lost all her money (and probably her husband) anyway.. but the husband is just sitting off to the side shaking his head and fuming, i wonder if the show was cancelled because it was ruining so many peoples lives..

a couple weeks ago during a Twins game, my roommate and i decided to Google "Mark Kotsay" to see how many teams he had played for.. while doing so, "Mark Kotsay's wife" was a suggestion.. and since we're boys, we obviously checked it out.. good for you, Mark..

i don't remember the last time i saw an ugly beverage cart chick on the golf course.. it must be one of those "unwritten" golf rules or something.. don't walk in the path of a putt, turn your cell phone off, all beverage cart chicks need to be lava-hot.. i remember one instance while golfing with my brothers, i had 3/4th's of a Gatorade left but the hot beverage cart chick asked if i needed anything so i purchased a $2 water and gave her a $1 tip.. on the 16th hole.. girls, you don't know the power you hold over guys, i'm telling you..

from ESPN.com on Ben Roethlisberger:

MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. -- The young woman who accused Ben Roethlisberger of sexual assault said she tried to get away from the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback and told him "no, this is not OK," according to police documents released Thursday.

In a statement to police on March 5, the 20-year-old college student said Roethlisberger encouraged her, and her friends, to take numerous shots of alcohol. Then one of his bodyguards escorted her into a hallway at the Capital City nightclub, sat her on a stool and left. She said Roethlisberger walked down the hallway and exposed himself.

"I told him it wasn't OK, no, we don't need to do this and I proceeded to get up and try to leave," she said. "I went to the first door I saw, which happened to be a bathroom."

According to her statement, Roethlisberger then followed her into a nearby bathroom and shut the door.

"I still said no, this is not OK, and he then had sex with me," she wrote. "He said it was OK. He then left without saying anything." - end of ESPN report..

then she doesn't press charges against him? i don't understand that at all.. by definition, she was raped, and she's not pressing charges? and this isn't the first time he's been in this position.. it probably won't be the last as long as he keeps getting slapped on the wrist for it..

on the same topic, it blows my mind how someone we see so often in the public eye can be so different away from cameras.. the few examples i can think of are Roethlisberger, Tiger Woods and Jesse James (Sandra Bullocks husband).. i've seen more interviews with Ben and Tiger than Jesse, but i have seen all 3 of them and thought they were all well-spoken and seemed as normal as you can be with that level of fame.. Roethlisberger isn't married but the other two are.. if you are that famous and enjoy the lifestyle of being with multiple women, why get married at all? it's selfish to put your wife (and in Tiger's case, children) through all of the heartbreak and pain that comes with cheating and whatever else they're into.. it's just unbelievable how much people change when they get to a certain level and how selfish and morally irresponsible they can be.. if Tiger wasn't married, he'd be free to do all that he did and nobody could say anything.. Jesse James as well.. Ben, single or not, it's still never okay to rape chicks.. might wanna get over that little phase..

discovered a website that has a Chris Hansen soundboard.. for those of you who don't know, Chris Hansen is the guy on "To Catch a Predator" who comes out when these 40-year-old dudes are chasing the "13-year-old" girl to the back room and stops him and asks him to put his clothes back on, etc. then he'll ask if they brought condoms and the guy who looks like he hasn't had sex in 19 years says "oh, i always have condoms".. right.. do you always have 6-packs of wine coolers and penis pumps in your trunk? anyway, this website is tremendous because it has a bunch of audio clips of Chris Hansen talking to these guys, usually he's reading off the chat transcript that the pervert was involved in.. a few of my favorites:

"i'm big"
"the 22-year-old virgin is in the house"
"he pulls a large sexual device out of his pants"
"i know you're 12, but girls these days are way ahead"
"okay then you can lick it off me"

alright, i'm just about done with all the Facebook bitching about exes.. here are a few tips: if someone treats you like shit, leave them and forget about them.. quit giving them second, third and twelfth chances to do the same God damn thing.. it's one thing if you broke up for other differences (distance, timing, whatever) but cheating, fighting, yelling, etc. consistently make one chance enough.. another tip: you saying you had a bad day because of a "certain someone" just makes that certain someone more likely to be scared away.. they know that you're talking about them and they don't care, neither do the rest of us.. quit acting like it's the end of the world, move on and find someone better.. another tip, and this one is a big one: quit fucking having babies with people you hate!! i don't need to hear about all the shit your baby's mama/daddy does wrong, you're the one who fucked them without protection, deal with it.. fuck unprotected sex, i've never had protected sex with someone i saw myself hating in the near future.. i don't know, it's common sense to me, i guess..

feeling nostalgic recently, i glanced at the high school senior yearbook from 2001.. not sure if this is good or bad but roughly 50% of the people who wrote in it mentioned something about my "great personality".. that's probably a nicer way of saying "probably won't be seeing you at any parties this summer, so ummm, take care"..

girls, i'm 100% serious when telling you this: you can be on the pill AND we can be wearing a condom but the second you tell us you got your period, it's like fucking Christmas, our birthday and baseball's Opening Day all rolled into one.. i've done very extensive research on this.. nevermind the fact that, if everything is done correctly, there's about a .0002% chance of you being pregnant and us finding the quickest route to Canada, we're scared shitless anyway.. especially if you say things like "hmmmm, i should have had my period by now".. please don't say things like that, even on April Fools' Day..

this research is less scientific but i'm going to try to tackle the "spooning/cuddling while sleeping" debate.. i'd like to consider myself a fairly-romantic guy who likes cuddling and all that good stuff when it's appropriate.. but when i'm trying to sleep, i need to have space.. i'll gladly do the obligatory spooning until we're falling asleep, then you retreat to your side and i'll do my thing over here.. i'm pretty sure most guys and several girls feel the same way but for those of you who don't, consider our needs too.. if i have a girl hanging on me while i'm trying to sleep, i'll likely lay there for an hour or more trying to fall asleep and not poke her with an erection (hey, it happens alright, nothing we can do).. or get up to go to the bathroom, hoping she's asleep when you get back.. she looks like she is but somehow she has the 6th sense to lock you into a Bob Backlund cross-face chicken wing and your night is done.. submit and head to the couch..

speaking of being romantic, here's the dilemma that guys face.. while some guys are never romantic and never really try hard to make a girl feel special, a lot of guys enjoy doing that stuff.. i'm place myself in the latter category.. what us guys have to figure out is what kind of girl we have on our hands.. while some girls think a random "thinking of you" phone call makes their day, others might think it's weird.. or remembering something they liked from a while back and buying it for a reason other than a holiday or their birthday.. some girls would find that charming, others would freak out.. so the first thing guys have to do is decide what kind of girl they have and whether or not they'd appreciate things like that.. it's a fine line between being "romantic" and being "creepy"..

heard a guy in the sauna last week telling someone else that the longest he's spent at the gym in one day is five hours.. i hate to break it to that guy, but he's an idiot.. if you work yourself hard enough, an hour is all you need to do to reach your limit.. anything after that, you're overworking your muscles and not gaining what you could.. unless he spent 4 hours doing cardio, but judging by him rocking the beer gut, that was neither likely nor possible.. five hours of walking around and lifting a weight once in a while isn't going to get you as much gain as working out hard and fast for an hour.. listen to me, i have a gym membership..

i wish i could blog for a living.. someone find me a job doing that..

i have a twin sister who is also my best friend, so we'll do a lot of shopping and going out to eat or whatever.. she knows i do this but i like to keep a good distance from her when we're in public so all the girls don't think she's my girlfriend.. not like i'd approach any of them or they'd approach me but i feel like i like my chances better..

i went to Grove City (Columbus), Ohio last summer for work (i blogged extensively about some of the highlights back then).. we spent about three weeks at the plant there and most of my time spent there was thinking about how i could talk to the racked-out receptionist girl.. we'd walk by her every morning when we came in, every time we went to lunch, and then every night if we left early enough.. i would consistently tell my co-workers that i missed her about 5 seconds after walking past her.. finally, after telling them that i wanted to make out with her, etc., i finally "made my move" on the last day there.. we went to Pizza Hut for lunch, and we were waiting in the lobby deal for everyone to come out.. i made some rude comment to her about how she should order our food because she's the receptionist and knows her way around a phone.. later in the day, i kinda worried that i maybe offended her, but in actuality i just wanted to talk to her, so i emailed her an apology.. she was one of those rare nice and smart hot girls, so i kept talking to her when i got back home because she thought i was harmless and funny.. she's married and she lives in Ohio, so i think we'll stay just friends..

who would have guessed that DJ from "Full House" would turn out to be the hottest of the sisters? i had a crush on Stephanie during the middle seasons, especially when she played baseball, and Michelle was always adorable.. DJ was always kinda pudgy and awkward, i though.. now she's super hot.. here are a few more underrated TV girls:

Aunt Becky from "Full House"
Sam from "Who's The Boss"
Al from "Step By Step"
Winnie Cooper from "The Wonder Years"
Topenga from "Boy Meets World"
Kerry from "8 Simple Rules"
Joey from "Dawson's Creek" (probably the biggest crush of my life, in all honesty)
Jenny Jones from "The Jenny Jones Show"


Men's Health Tips of the Week

10 Things Her Body is Telling You

The female body. It's a work of art and well deserves to be admired, while clothed or naked. And if you peel your eyes away from her butt and breasts for a few moments, you can improve your chances with the one you're after. Just look for these 10 subtle signs to understand what she's thinking and feeling.


Pupils
If she's feeling stimulated by you (not just sexually), her pupils will dilate. That's because her body is programmed to want to see more of whatever's exciting her, so her brain tells her irises to let in more light. Bonus: As the inkiness spreads, she'll start looking better to you, too. Research shows that men rate women with larger pupils as more attractive. Time to make your move.


Eyelashes
Hold her gaze for a minute. If she's blinking more than normal (which is about 15 times a minute), there's a good chance she's on the Pill; women on birth control blink 32 percent more than those who aren't. Aside from the obvious, what does that mean for you? Put on your toughest, most confident mug as you look at her. Because of the shift in hormone levels, research says, women on the Pill are more attracted to men with rugged features, such as strong, wide jaws.


Brain
She's matching you drink for drink, you're starting to feel like reenacting Animal House, but she seems like her same old self. What's the deal? Men and women get different kinds of buzzes: Men lose inhibitions, while women become sedated. If you're looking to get her into the party spirit, don't feed her more alcohol. Instead, feed the jukebox. Research shows that mid- to fast-tempo music will make her more social.


Belly
Want to know if it's a good or bad time to broach a tricky conversation? You can tell if she's suitably relaxed by her breathing pattern. If her stomach pulls in with each inhalation, she's taking shallow breaths from her chest, which indicates stress. Keep your distance. If her abdomen and chest expand with each inhalation, she's taking deeper, more rhythmic breaths—a sign of relaxation. Go for it.


Nose
Her sense of smell is sharpest first thing in the morning, which, aside from being a good reason to brush your teeth immediately, makes it the best time to impress her with your culinary skills. That's because 90 percent of taste is really smell. Treat her to a breakfast in bed consisting of warmed banana-nut bread, which has an aroma that, according to one study, increases bloodflow to the vagina. And that may lead to a different kind of morning treat.


Chest
Sex flush, a pinkish look to the skin of her chest, occurs during foreplay. It stems from changes in blood pressure and circulation, along with pulse and respiration rates. Think of it as her coy way of telling you that if you keep doing what you're doing, you just might get lucky. Another sign that things are working: A woman's breasts grow by as much as 25 percent as things turn hot and heavy.


Small of Her Back
As she moves toward orgasm during sex, she'll begin to arch her back. Hold her tight around the small of her back at this point and stay attuned to how much she's arching. And, for God's sake, do not let up; maintain the same rhythm and intensity of stimulation until she climaxes. She'll pay you back for this later, with interest.


Fingernails
Pay attention to her fingers; among the surest signs of anxiety or depression in a woman are body-focused repetitive behaviors, such as skin picking and nail biting. If you see her doing that, don't nag her to stop; that can send her deeper into a spiral. Instead, gently pull her hand away, give it a squeeze, and hold on to it. Feel the tension ooze right out.


Hands
If it seems as if she always has cold hands, that's because she does—almost 3 degrees colder than yours, possibly more if she's stressed. Women's bodies, even more than men's, are programmed to keep their cores warmer than their extremities. So to warm her hands up, don't massage them; wrap your arm around her waist. This will warm her core and allow blood to flow back into her hands.


Between Her Legs
Okay, you know enough about your partner's menstrual cycle to know when to leave her alone. Now add this to your arsenal: Two weeks after her period begins, she will be at her horniest, guaranteed. Female sexual motivation is highest when she's ovulating. Warning: This is also when she's most likely to get pregnant.


10 Ways to Get More Sex

We got women to confess what makes a man irresistible. Follow these tips to become that guy.

1. Play the Name Game
"Say my name, often. It makes me feel as though you're totally focused on me."

2. Pay Up
"Be generous when we're on a date—offer to pay, tip well. It will make me think you're just as giving in bed."

3. Get Your Hands on Her
"Touch me on the arm while talking to me, on my shoulder if standing above me, on my hips if standing behind me, around my waist if walking beside me. It's a subtle but effective way to let me know you're genuinely interested."

4. Ace a Classic Move
"On a cold night, wrap me up in your coat and kiss me on the forehead. It's a movie-style move that makes me go weak in the knees."

5. Excite Her Entire Body
"Sweep the hair away from the back of my neck and kiss me there. It sends sexy tingles everywhere."

6. Be a Gentle Man
"Be gentle when you're touching my clitoris—I can always thrust towards you to show you I need more pressure."

7. Speak Softly
"Whisper in my ear while we're having sex. Tell me how amazing my skin feels, how sexy I am and how good it feels to be inside me."

8. Get Rough with Her
"I love it when a guy is playfully rough in bed—a tender bite, a bit of hair-tugging—it make sex feel even more passionate."

9. Be Her Alarm Clock
"Wake me up at 5 a.m. by heading down under. I may be half asleep, but I'll soon be smiling all over."

10. Say Something
"Make contact the next day. This rule holds true forever."

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

greatest hits: volume 2

i haven't had much time to blog over the past few months.. therefore, i went back to 2008 and early 2009 and picked a few random ones.. if you only started reading this crap recently, you probably haven't seen these.. maybe you'll be entertained.. enjoy..


Monday, August 4, 2008
the quiet screaming..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by the lady at my work who shaves her eyebrows off then draws them back on with permanent marker, and the guy who fell down the steps at the Boston Bruins hockey game i went to, tossing 2 beers on the crowd and injuring his knee..

here's the rundown of my favorite recent text exchange involving my brother and i after chatting about the Twins:

him: Alright, I gotta go to a parade..
me: Cool, I'll let your boyfriend know you won't be home for supper..
him: I'll let your niece know you're ripping her event..
me: That can't make her feel worse than finding out her dad is gay..

i think the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy was invented less for homosexuals in the army and more for roommates texting you to inform you that their girlfriend had her period the night before so they couldn't have sex.. hypothetically speaking..

how does someone weigh the possible outcomes and decide that, yes, running with the bulls in Spain is a good idea? not doing it = being alive.. doing it = good chance of being stampeded to death by bulls and other drunken morons with a slight chance of having your prostate gored by a horn.. cool! or bull riders who get stuck in their rope and have the bull run around the circle and bounce their forehead off every fence post, then play hopscotch on their ribs and cheekbones.. but don't worry, that clown will help.. by whistling and waving his arms like he actually cares.. he gets his paycheck either way..

i like when people brag about doing stuff they should do:

"hey, i take care of my kids"..
"i pay my bills"..
"i haven't been to jail in like 5 years"..
"i've never cheated on my wife"..

you'll usually hear this stuff being said on day-time talk shows or "Cops".. it's fun.. one more reason why "Cops" is the one of the greatest things to happen on Earth ever..

Dear Servers at Restaurants, it's okay if you don't check on us 23 times in an hour-long meal.. come back a few minutes after bringing the food to make sure everything tastes okay and wasn't cooked wrong (i.e. ordered a medium-well steak and you bring out a cow that's still breathing.. that's always negative).. then come back when you see the drinks are empty, then come back with the check.. your tip will thank you..

anytime someone starts a sentence with "i'm not a racist but..", they're about to say something racist.. the same goes for "no disrespect" and "no offense", someones about to be disrespected or offended..

what's more violent, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood or the typical major league baseball "brawl"? almost every fight goes like this: the batter usually throws his helmet, legitimately pissed, and sprints towards the pitcher.. but about 15 feet away, he'll slow down to make sure his skirt isn't ruffled and his mascara isn't smudged.. meanwhile, the pitcher is sharpening his fingernails and takes off one of his heels to swing wildly.. and the rest of the players get each other in weird "this is probably gonna be on Sportscenter, let's pretend this hurts" WWF moves until the 300 pound umpires show up, needing oxygen.. ahh, America's past time..

on the list of songs that make me want a poisonous snake to chew on my eardrums and render me deaf, Craig Morgan's "International Harvester" and Amy Winehouse's "Rehab" are 1A. and 1B., respectively..

here's another list, a list of things Kevin Federline (aka, K-Fed, it's a nickname i made up, feel free to use it) sucks at: dancing, rapping, dressing himself, being sober, shaving, using birth control, fatherhood and life.. other than that, a pretty solid individual..

i'm preparing myself for hate mail with this opinion but i'm sorry girls, Tim McGraw is not a good singer.. i love some of his songs, in fact "Don't Take The Girl" was my absolute favorite song as a little guy, but compared to the majority of male singers in Nashville, he's way below average.. he's a great entertainer and has a wife who is muy caliente but he's the beneficiary of great song writing.. he's not even close vocally to guys like Keith Urban, Kenny Chesney, Brad Paisley, Gary Allan, Toby Keith, Eric Church, Blake Shelton, Chris Cagle, and the guy who sings for Rascal Flatts, just to name a few.. i like a lot of his songs but he's not a good vocalist.. the same goes for Sara Evans on the female side.. she's got a record deal because she's attractive and people write songs that fit her vocal range and are catchy.. she's also not a good vocalist.. trust me, i sing in the car and every time i'm drunk.. i'm an expert :)

don't talk to a man about politics, religion or how he should be managing his grill..

ever been to a party? great, then you'll know these guys.. guys at parties who suck (with some help from the Jim Rome radio show):

- the guy who insists on cleaning up during the party.. and he doesn't even live there.. he'll just go around asking if you're done with your drink, carrying a huge Hefty bag and annoying people..

- the guy who doesn't know anyone else there except you so he's all up in your mix the entire night.. you barely know him but he definitely knows you, so he basically handcuffs himself to you the whole time..

- the guy who's completely wasted about a half hour into the party.. he's bonging three beers at a time, taking jello shots by the handful, killing the Tippy Cup circuit.. passed out by about 9:30.. (selfish editors note: i'm currently the 3 time defending Tippy Cup champion of the world from the parties in our garage.. i actually want to make myself a championship belt to wear in public.. or at least around the house)..

- the girl who's crying in the middle of the party.. inevitably she was wronged by her douche bag boyfriend who was hitting on the drunk slut with the giant cans and wardrobe malfunction (read: ass crack showing).. so now her girlfriends are telling her that she's too good for him.. meanwhile, he drunkenly texts an apology while making out with the Ass Crack girl in the parents bedroom and everything is all good.. ahh, true love..

- the creepy guy who tries to get with every chick at the end of the night.. he was cool all night until he sees the party start to die (Dumb and Dumber: "boy this party really died".. love that).. he immediately starts cutting off chicks at the front door, working his magic but somehow using the phrase "mouth party", effectively ending that.. doesn't matter, there's another drunk girl leaving!

- the guy who wears enough cologne to kill a large moose.. one and a half sprays is plenty, it's not designed for one-time usage.. you might have a chance with the gals if they could breathe..

- the guy who gives you the statistics of how many drinks he's had.. "ohhh dude, i'm so wasted.. i've already had 6 beers, 4 jello shots, 3 jag bombs and like 2 1/2 Captain Cokes".. great, i'll take you third overall next weekend in my Fantasy Drunk Guy draft, but right now i'm doing work on this Tippy Cup game so quit talking to me..

- the guy from work who you never talk to at work but now you can't shake him.. he's like your best friend.. "hey man, we should get lunch on Monday or something".. dude, it's Friday night, what the hell are you talking about Monday for?

- the guy who drags you into the backyard to have a heart-to-heart talk.. "dude, we need to hang out more.... not being gay or anything, but... i love you man.. we seriously need to hang out more".. then he gives you a weird genitalia-to-genitalia hug..

- the girl who takes pictures constantly.. pictures are fine.. i like pictures from parties.. but we don't need to pose for 4 of the same picture.. it's a party, people are supposed to look stupid and drunk and non-coherent.. just take action pictures of the guy with the Co-ed Naked t-shirt on taking a keg stand.. and falling over.. and not getting up.. and his buddies drawing things on his face..

- the guy who's convinced there's a better party somewhere else.. "dude, this party sucks, so and so are at this party, they say it's awesome.. let's go man!!".. ummm if you haven't noticed, i'm, like, totally making out with this red-hot boombalottie that i don't know, so i'm pretty set at the moment..

-the guy who says "i'd hit that" about every girl that walks by.. we get it, you have a .23 blood alcohol level and she has a vagina so you'd have sex with her.. terrific.. take off your high school letter jacket and join the rest of us adults..


editors note: the Twins were beating Seattle 6-0 when i decided it was probably over and i started writing this.. it's now 11-6 Seattle, creating the "never blog during a Twins game" rule..


Tuesday, September 2, 2008
wake me up when september ends..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by the guy who starts saying random numbers when you're counting something important and the guy who approached me in the Cash Wise parking lot asking for $20 "for a new tire", which i think is Homeless for "1.75 of Captain"..

just to let you know, i'm putting off eating to write this.. i'm so hungry right now i could eat hot shower water.. let's hope i stay conscious throughout this, we all know my history..

women fantasize about sex 34 times during the workday, according to Men's Health.. in a related story, guys like knowing that..

a random girl at the mall today told me i have a "very approachable smile".. the lesson, as always: all women should be considered completely insane until proven otherwise.. also, i held the door open for 2 older women when i was walking in and they were walking out and one of them said "oh, there are still some left".. i'm assuming she thought gentlemen were just a myth.. you know, like the Lochness Monster and the G-spot.. mom raised me right, i guess?

i think it's cold enough tonight to wear my lounge pants to bed!! they are so comfortable, i pretty much wore them all last winter.. my roommates pretend to not like it because you can "clearly see the bulge" of my baby-making equipment in them.. which, along with the pure satisfaction of knowing i was affecting their mood negatively, gave me a distinct advantage on dart night.. plus, i didn't hesitate to wear them when they had girls over.. pretty much the opposite of wingman at that point, but if you can't close the deal because i'm wearing marble-hugging pants and singing along with the Spice Girls, either you're not trying hard enough or it wasn't meant to be.. at least that's what i always say..

since yesterday was Labor Day, i was able to take in some daytime television (not soap operas, although my roommate tried finding "Days of our Lives", diseased).. anyway, i forgot how comical "Jerry Springer" was.. dudes leaving their girlfriends for the girls aunt who has 3 chins and one eyebrow.. guys pimping their niece out for cash, leading to her pregnancy (i know, crazy, right?) and her boyfriend "unsure of the situation" but totally sure of the 80's porn 'stache he's rocking.. i like when two overweight girls get into a catfight and they separate them but then hit the boxing bell and let them go at it again.. plus, if someones shirt gets ripped off, they blur it out like they think people want to see it.. and when the guy who has more tattoos than teeth starts to speak, the crowd chants "speak English!!" at him.. bottom line, brilliant television..

watched the news last night like the 25-year-old "adult" that i am and was amused by the protesters at the Republican National Convention handcuffing themselves together and laying down on an off ramp.. why? because they're fucking lunatics.. in no way does anything they're doing influence voters to see their point of view.. you don't like a candidate? great, don't vote for them and go back to skinning teenagers in your cabin deep in the woods.. you're against the war? throw shit through store windows and light things on fire.. cause that makes sense..

why do we need to send at least one reporter from every city in the United States to stand in the middle of a Category 3 hurricane? there are mandatory evacuations, unless you have a video camera and media credentials, i guess? i think most people are aware that it's going to be pretty windy and wet just by the term "hurricane".. no need to send Stormy Winters to stand on a dock overlooking the Gulf of Mexico to get the story firsthand, meanwhile she's horizontal holding onto a sign, her microphone and the umbrella that's doing absolutely nothing.. so dumb..

how many of you would come across a pregnant tiger in a tree and think pulling it out of said tree would be a good idea? zero? good, then you're with me.. apparently a town full of morons in Africa couldn't combine to reach this conclusion and it was comically brought to me via "When Animals Attack" or one of those shows yesterday afternoon.. if i see a pregnant tiger caged up at the zoo, i'm immediately screeching like a girl scout and fleeing for the exit.. inevitably, one of them got their leg chewed on and then the tiger chased some of the other idiots around until they shot her with a tranquilizer dart.. maybe do that before you pull on her legs to get her out of the tree? but hey, i'm no expert on tigers.. i also think it's cool when someone is getting attacked by a deer or a dog and the person operating the camera is more concerned with getting the footage than helping the attacked subject, who is probably a family member or close friend.. classic..

broke the "never blog during a Twins game" rule and it proved costly once again.. we were up 4-1 when i started, ended up losing 7-5.. what the hell is going on? anyway, i apologize to all Twins fans.. totally my fault.. a little fault goes to Glen Perkins and Boof Bonser for combining to give up 19 home runs.. but mostly my fault.. sometimes i wonder if anyone on the planet is dumber than me.. if we lose the division by one game, i'll take the blame.. maybe the Lynx can take some of the focus off the Twins..


Tuesday, September 9, 2008
i saw her standing there..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by the guys at the mall tonight dressed in all black with pink hair, javelins in their cheeks and holes the size of quarters in their earlobes.. rough childhood, i'm guessing..

my roommate sent me a text today of the "bumper sticker of the day" which read, "drive it like you stole it", narrowly beating out "i'd rather push a Chevy than drive a Ford".. cool..

i was at Cash Wise on Sunday checking out and this boy (i'm guessing around age 2) was having a total meltdown about not being able to get candy or something.. then he turns on the charm with a "but i wuv you".. mom caved in immediately but had she not, i was prepared to buy it for him..

the Vikings played their first game of the season last night and my brother was in San Diego for work and had a meeting that started when the game did.. my job was to text him pretty much everything that was happening until he was able to watch.. one of the Vikings defensive backs got beat for a long catch and after i told him who got burned, he replied with "shoot him".. he was watching for about 3 seconds before i get a call from him that included about 37 "fucks" and the word "cunt".. one of my rules is: every time your brother uses the word "cunt" over the phone, it's blog-worthy.. our family likes sports..

there are more benefits to sex for guys than "that cool tingly sensation" and promotions at work.. Men's Health says it can also boost your immune system, cut your prostate-cancer risk, halve your risk of a fatal heart attack, ignite your fat burners and de-stress your mind.. during a passionate bout of sex, men use 143 muscles and torch as many calories as during a 15-minute jog.. with presumably less burning in the calves and a smaller risk of vomiting.. and by "passionate", i assume they mean more of the "kitchen counter/table/floor right now!" variety and less of the "can't it wait until after Conan?" kind..

since i went with the Men's Health tidbit, i feel like i should display some gender equality and share something from Cosmo.. luckily for you, i read some of both.. and that "luckily for you" is obviously not including my future wife and anyone who has to be seen in public with me.. anyway, this question was posed to 30,000 men: If you could only experience one move during intercourse for the rest of your life, it would be ___. the leader in the clubhouse at 41% is "hearing her moan".. the rest of the answers get fairly graphic and i agreed wholeheartedly with that answer so we're not going any further, other than to make fun of the 1% of guys who said "her slapping my butt".. because that's cooler than her sex noises?.. you realize you didn't just kick the game-winning field goal, right?.. figure it out..

so yesterday at work i notice i have a giant hole in the crotch of my jeans.. i assume this doesn't meet the standards of the employee dress code but the Vikings played at 6:00 last night so there was no time to stop and buy new pants.. this morning i decided i could weather one more day with the crotchless jeans if i put a couple safety pins down there, breaking my "never intentionally put anything sharp within 6 inches of your beanbag" rule.. sporting my fanciest pair of boxer/briefs in case of a wardrobe malfunction, i braved 8 hours of work with no mishaps.. stopped at Target on the way home and i can NEVER remember what size of jeans i wear.. so there i am looking like some lunatic trying to look at the size on my tag, unsuccessfully.. i ended up having to break the "man law" of "never try on clothes before purchasing".. while in the dressing room, i hear a girls voice say "this is really tight on my boobs" and wish i was in there saying Chandler's line of "uhh, i can check that for ya".. bottom line: i went into Target to buy cheap work jeans and i came out with jeans, something called "knit pants" which definitely hug my ass in all the right places, a Popeye t-shirt which says "strong to the finish" (like i'm not buying that), 4 pairs of boxer/briefs and 2 hats which are usually reserved for cab drivers or train conductors.. a half hour and $103 later, i walk out completely satisfied (insert prostitution joke here).. the lesson, as always: i'm an idiot..

ignoring every ounce of common sense in my head, i ran a 5K for colon cancer research this past Saturday.. i was actually asked to do it by my twin sister who runs quite often, so i was happy to do it.. luckily nobody in our family has had colon cancer to my knowledge but it's always a good feeling knowing you contributed to a cause like that.. due to a cold the previous week and my avoidance of the gym the 2 weeks previous of that, i was not in condition to run 3.1 miles.. they had paint on the ground at the 1-mile and 2-mile marks, both of which i assumed were the finish line and that i was being Punk'd.. plus, i got passed by a man pushing a stroller, never a positive occurrence in any setting.. in any event, i never stopped to walk, which was my main goal and ended up finishing with a blistering time of 29:02 ("blistering" referring to my feet).. somewhere Usain Bolt is blushing.. training begins now for the 2012 Olympics.. assuming "napping" is added as an event by then..


Monday, October 20, 2008
crazy game of poker..

this post is being co-brought to you by the laugh possessed by Kendra from "Girls Next Door" and fans at football games who hold up one finger and yell "we're number one!!" while losing 56-3..

had an interesting Saturday night.. here's the skinny..

6:30: got home from visiting my parents and devouring my mom's chili, which is legendary.. not even in the door when my roommate says "wanna go to Old Chicago?".. "sure, i don't have much cash but that's what credit cards are for, right?".. "exactly, get dressed, we're leaving in 5 minutes".. i pull off my shirt so i'm topless and wearing basketball shorts.. "k, i'm ready".. get punched..

6:35: throw on my baggy sweatpants and Reebok's wit da straps, looking fly as all hell..

6:50: arrive at Old Chicago with two roommates, their gals, one of the gals friends and her 19-year-old male cousin and 17-year-old female cousin.. more on her later.. waitress: "what are we drinking?".. me: "what are the specials?".. waitress: "we have Long Island Iced Teas for $2.99".. me: "YES! I WANT STRAWBERRY!!..

7:05: roommate: "if you finish the rest of that drink in 8 seconds i'll buy your next one".. me: "okay".. keep in mind, Long Island's have equal parts vodka, gin, tequila and rum with a very small amount of a mixer.. my glass was about half full.. nonetheless, i finished it within 8 seconds and my next one was free..

7:10: sure are alot of people here with SCSU shirts on.. oh yeah, it's homecoming, which means triple the normal amount of "urinating in public" citations and 3 a.m. Perkins runs..

7:20: hmmm, my glass is about 3/4's full right now, it's almost time someone tells me to drink really fast and they'll pay for my next one..

7:21: different roommate: "finish that in 10 seconds and i'll buy your next one".. me: "done".. photo finish!! the judges score it in my favor, considering i'm ordering pink drinks in public..

7:25: waitress: "need another one?".. me: "yeah, my roommates keep telling me if i drink these in 10 seconds, they'll buy me my next one".. roommate: "probably don't want to tell the waitress that"..

7:40: roommates gal (to me): "want to race to see who can finish their drink the fastest?".. me: "you're drinking beer and have so much less than me left... absolutely i want to race".. get destroyed.. as a prize, my roommate orders me another one before we go..

8:00: four Long Island Iced Teas in the span of 75 minutes.. and it's 8:00.. this should be entertaining..

8:15: arrive at roommates gal's house for a fire and more alcohol.. wind chill approximately 25 degrees, nipples couldn't be harder.. while manly roommate starts fire, i grab a chair and sit 2 inches from it.. he pushes me backwards and i manage to not spill my full beer while doing a back flip.. i celebrate in my head..

8:40: apparently it's "take shots of cough syrup" time because that tasted a lot like the Dimetap i had when i was a kid.. i'm told it was grape vodka.. "at least my cough is gone.. when's the NyQuil shot?", i say..

9:00: pee on the backyard fence while texting..

9:10: another shot, this one apparently is lemonade Vodka.. just as terrible as the first one.. 19-year-old runs to puke immediately in the bushes..

9:15: i can't see anymore..

9:30: wow..

10:00: yikes..

10:15: another shot, this one is Whiskey mixed with Mountain Dew, i'm led to believe.. immediately anointed the best shot of the night award since the other ones tasted like the ass sweat of a walrus..

10:30: hmmm, this 17-year-old girl is awfully close to me suddenly.. when did that happen? her: "can i see your phone?".. me: "why?".. she puts her hand into my pocket to get my phone.. immediately see myself sitting down at the counter of a strange house, having a heart-to-heart chat with Chris Hansen.. she starts messing with my phone.. "what are you doing?", i ask.. "you'll see", she replies.. great, that makes me feel better.. i look around to see if anyone is seeing this.. the glance and chuckle from my roommate indicates i have witnesses..

10:35: she gives me my phone back and i start trying to figure out what she did.. even being 4 Long Island Iced Teas, 6 beers and 4 shots deep, i quickly realize she put her phone number in my phone.. then she texted herself from my phone so she could have my number.. what the hell is going on?

10:36: i guess i'll just drink more and pretend that didn't happen..

10:50: text from girl that reads, "what's up?".. i don't respond because i'm sitting 15 feet away from her.. she should be able to tell "what's up", right?.. i don't have many rules, but one of them is "don't hook up with anyone who could potentially invite you to prom and/or a Girl Scout camping trip".. and let's not forget America's rule of "don't hook up with anyone under 18 if you are over 18".. i blame R. Kelly..

11:00: roommate: "i think we're going to go".. me: "great idea, i'll race you to the car..... wait, i have to pee first"..

11:15: safe in my own house.. that was surreal..


in September of 2003, i went along with my roommate on a roadtrip to Iowa to visit his girlfriend at her college (this is the couple that has recently become engaged).. a few highlights from that trip.. peeing in a cornfield in northern Iowa during the drive down.. singing N'Sync and Garth Brooks along the way, like back in our freshman year.. meeting the roommates, one of which eventually said she hadn't had sex in so long that she had a "rusty vagina", to which i wittingly replied, "good thing i brought WD-40".. classic.. going to a party where 3 separate televisions had 3 separate college football games going right next to each other.. on the way to this party, we stopped at the liquor store and i didn't feel like drinking beer, so in a rush, i grabbed Green Apple Smirnoff Ice.. that was my first mistake.. my second mistake was drinking it in a room full of college guys.. "what the fuck are you drinking?" was the first thing one guy said to me.. people in Iowa are mean.. that party was where i was first formally introduced to "Bubble Toes" by Jack Johnson, beginning my love of his music.. also, at a restaurant/bar, we all had a shot called the "Pink Pussy".. after drinking my shot, i exclaimed "wow, that was the best pussy i've ever had", to the delight of everyone within earshot, not including the waitress.. whatever, i'll go back to Minnesota..

Victoria's Secret website is the greatest thing on earth, i've recently decided.. go to www.victoriassecret.com and look up the Lace-up fishnet cheeky hiphugger.. proof that God is a man and wants me to be happy..

here's a Minnesota driving lesson: when you have a red light, it's not okay to just take a right and then merge into traffic without looking or yielding.. if you do this with me behind you, i have to stop singing "if you wanna be my lover" ala Posh Spice to spew expletives at you and that upsets me..

memo to those 30-second voicemail recordings: i'm fully aware that i "can hang up when i'm finished speaking", i'm a grown up.. i don't need you to run through what every button does.. i just want to tell my roommate i saw a man wearing a fanny pack and cowboy boots, it shouldn't take this long..

not much is cuter than my niece singing "how much is that doggy in the window"..

some of the best times i've ever had have involved drinking and playing Playstation 3.. i'm sure a lot of you know of a game called "drinking Tiger Woods", where you play the Tiger Woods golf game and have to drink if you hit it in the rough, hit it out of bounds, hit it in the water or the sand, etc.. super fun.. if you've seen the picture of one of my roommates on Facebook passed out on the couch with me and another roommate sitting there to keep him from rolling off, that was a "drinking Tiger Woods night", although he wasn't participating.. i think it was his birthday and his sisters dropped him off and said "call us if he stops breathing".. tight family..

i think my favorite thing in all of sports is the dogpile after baseball teams win playoff series'.. how awesome is that?! they'll show a camera shot of the dugout as the last out is being recorded and everyone is climbing out even before it's official just sprinting to jump on each other.. if the play is happening in the infield, the outfielders are already halfway there, throwing their hats and gloves into the air.. this should happen in everyday situations, the world would be a better place..

as i spoke about previously, i received a book in the mail titled, "Men's Health Guide to the Best Sex in the World".. just finished chapter 2, but here are some highlights to this point:

- people decide whether someone is attractive one-tenth of a second after laying eyes on them..

- women rank confidence as one of the sexiest qualities in a man, not surprisingly..

- a Harvard study found that looking at pretty women activates a pleasure center in the brain usually triggered only by food, drugs and money..

- breathe deeply and use your lower registers when you speak. according to a recent study by Scottish researchers, the most attractive women prefer deep-voiced men. This probably has something to do with the correlation between high testosterone levels (a sigh of superior strength and bedroom chops) and a deep voice..

- a kiss is a preview of coming attractions. "the way you kiss says a lot about how you make love," says Ava Cadell, PhD, "i call kissing 'facial intercourse.'"..

- lots of women describe their best kiss as the time he slammed her up against the wall, mashed his lips against hers, and didn't let her breathe for a full 5 minutes..

- love bites also play a large role; in the kissing section of the Kama Sutra, it was considered a sign of real skill to leave a lasting mark without breaking the skin..

- the Kama Sutra says that if a man stimulates his partner's upper lip, nibbling and lightly sucking on it, while she nibbles on his lower lip, both partners will be swept away on waves of pleasure.. it has even been suggested that there is a pathway in the nervous system directly connecting the upper lip to the clitoris. a one-stop shop, if you will..

- an "Australian kiss" is a French kiss "down under"..

- let her keep a toothbrush at your house if she wants to but encourage her to make her own plans and keep her own friends- and do the same yourself. it's easy to get sucked in at the beginning, with the rush of a fast start. but the sooner you depend on each other for everything, the faster the relationship can burn out..

- how will you know it's the real thing? one sign is when you stop looking at other women. it's true: Italian researchers looked at the hormone levels of a small group of women in love. the women's testosterone levels were higher than usual, making them more aggressive and increasing their sex drives. the men, on the other hand, had lower levels of testosterone, making them less aggressive and less libidinous. so if you notice that your eye has stopped roving and the desire to collect digits has lessened significantly, it may be a sign that the lady you're with is "the one."

or you can take her for ice cream. Alan Hirsch, MD, conducted a study of 720 people, ages 24 to 59, in which he correlated personality tests, their favorite ice cream flavors, their partners' favorite ice creams, and relationship status. coffee ice cream lovers- found to be dramatic, seductive, flirtatious- are most romantically compatible with strawberry fans. Vanilla gals (emotionally expressive and fond of PDA) melt best with rocky-road guys. and mint chocolate chip fans are meant for each other.

or you may just start acting crazy. British neurobiologists discovered that when research subjects looked at a picture of someone they had recently fallen in love with, one of the parts of the brain that was activated had a lot of receptors for dopamine- the feel-good hormone. that's why falling in love feels so damn good. it's also why you act like such an idiot when it happens. dopamine is strongly associated with addiction; in fact, this British study found that the brains of people "on" love looked very much like the brains of people on euphoria-inducing drugs.



Monday, November 10, 2008
it's been a while..

this post is being co-brought to you by Brad Pitt the "actor" and the guy standing over the pile after a fumble frantically pointing his teams direction as if he has any clue who has the ball..

first i should probably give a reason for my prolonged absence.. i took a new position at work which actually forces me to pay attention and be productive on a daily basis, so i can't just sit there and think of silly things to write about anymore.. i've actually used the phrase "i'd like to see (this) happen" and have people take me seriously for the first time so it's certainly better for my "career" but the blogs may come less frequent, and i apologize for that.. also, i've had a few more people tell me recently that they read this and enjoy it, so thanks for that and i'll try to be entertaining..

a memo to all potential politicians: if your campaign ads do nothing but bash your opponent, i won't be voting for you.. i'll either vote for your opponent or not vote at all.. tell me what you're going to do, not "my opponent is a terrorist, cheats on his wife, abuses his pets and tells children that Santa Claus isn't real".. also, unless someone asks your opinion on a certain candidate, keep it to yourself.. if i like Candidate A and you like Candidate B, you're not going to sway my decision, you're just going to piss me off.. i don't care that you like a different candidate and i'm not going to try to convince you, that's not my job.. i can't wait for the 2012 campaigns, they should be starting in about a month, right? i think Governor Palin owes us a Playboy spread too, by the way..

all beverage cart girls at golf courses are lava hot.. if you're golfing and your beverage cart girl isn't hot, you're at the wrong place..

i could give you 100 guesses and you probably wouldn't guess the one city in America that i'd like to visit most.. it's not Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Miami or any of those popular choices.. i'd choose Nashville.. my brother has traveled there several times and says there are several small bars right in a row that not only have great food, but also aspiring country musicians trying to get noticed by record companies playing every night.. i think it would be super cool to walk from bar to bar getting to hear these people play, they're obviously talented, they just need a break and then they'll be dating Carrie Underwood.. then i'll secretly hate them, but at least i could say i saw them play before they were famous.. runner ups: anywhere in the Colorado mountains, Seattle, New York, Chicago, San Francisco and San Diego (my brother just called me from San Diego, by the way.. i told him i hated him)..

one roommate puked in another roommates car this past weekend.. since it wasn't my car, that never gets old..

i heard that some females didn't dress slutty for Halloween.. i'm pretty sure that's against the law.. at the very least, you're offending the inventor of the holiday.. make up for it at Thanksgiving dinner..

our family picks names out of a hat for Christmas so we don't end up spending a million dollars on presents, so we just buy for one other person.. we did that yesterday when we got home from deer hunting.. pretty embarrassing when my mom tells my brothers that they're picking for their wives first, then tells my sister that she's picking for her boyfriend first, then tells me to pick for myself.. "wait, shouldn't my imaginary girlfriend be picking now?".. they thought it was funny..

had lunch today at Panera Bread with my mom and sister.. the caramel latte is phenomenal.. afterwards they were going to Target so my mom could finish her Christmas shopping (yes, it's November 10th).. anyway, i had no intention of going with but it's Target, what's the worse that could happen? bad decision.. a money clip, a pair of shoes and a Johnny Cash CD later, i've spent $64.. it's actually impossible for me to go in there and not buy anything.. i'll either buy one of those vintage T-shirts or silly hats in the back or find something i have absolutely no need for but i can't pass it up.. "$19 for this lamp? they might as well be giving them away".. i actually had to put things back on the shelf that my mom made "Christmas ideas" for my grandpa.. they also had the world's most unbelievably cute baby shoes and Christmas music going already, the first store i heard doing so this year.. reasons #1,672 and 1,673 why Target is the coolest..

if a girl sees a hot girl that they don't know, they automatically hate them.. it's science..


went deer hunting this weekend up north with a group of 16 guys (including me).. here are some highlights:

- went to my parents house on Wednesday night because we were leaving at 6:00 the following morning.. joined forces with my two brothers to try to get the DVD/VCR player to work.. spent a half hour on that because we skipped step #1 of the directions.. typical men.. get home on Sunday to realize we were missing 2 necessary cords.. time well spent.. the fact that i'm the youngest of the 3 boys, i'm forced to sleep on the couch while my brothers get beds.. i tell them i hate them when they go to bed..

- the drive up always consists of stories from my brothers childhood which makes me think less of them, as well as introducing each other to new music that we like.. then i take a nap until we stop for breakfast and see toilets for the last time in 3 days..

- setting up camp in the pouring rain.. absolutely miserable.. we stay in 2 large army tents, one for the old guys and one for the young guys.. it takes roughly 3 to 4 hours to get those set up and cut down trees for firewood.. i nearly took off my feet swinging an ax to split wood.. then i wished i was at home reading Cosmo in my sweatpants..

- hunting doesn't officially begin until Saturday morning at sunrise, so Thursday night we're free to drink as much as we want without worrying about waking up early.. in past years this has led to people waking up to urinate but not quite making it outside and peeing near another person.. that always makes for a fun story the rest of the weekend.. Fortunately, that didn't happen this year.. for some reason this year was more tame than past years.. i blame President Bush..

- quote of the weekend: "her vagina was disgusting"..

- product i couldn't live without of the weekend: earplugs.. i think 6 of the 16 guys up there did not snore.. i don't know how these other 10 guys have convinced women to marry them and share a bed.. they must be deaf..

- discussing salaries of professional football players, we came to a consensus that Tom Brady is the highest paid football player.. since he's injured for the rest of the year, i made the sarcastic comment that now he "is forced to hang out with his supermodel girlfriend all the time", to which my brother responded, "she's fat, i don't like her personality".. pure comedy.. Brady is dating Gisele Bundchen, who is not fat.. that's where the joke is..

- devoured roughly 139 doughnuts in a 3-day span, along with chili, a fish fry, baked potatoes, vegetables and roast beef.. probably gained 12 pounds, rendering the last 3 months of cardio useless..

- hot seats are pointless.. the one i sat on while hunting all weekend felt more like a block of ice.. first, they make the outside plastic, and we all know how warm plastic gets in 15-degree weather.. meanwhile my churchbells are clanging together while spending 4 consecutive hours looking at trees waiting for Bambi's dad to walk out.. dumbest invention ever.. i hope Barack moves deer hunting to mid-August..

- if you didn't know, if you're gutting a deer you "should start at the asshole".. (insert your "i like to end there" jokes now)..

- i think this was the first year i correctly decided to not try chewing tobacco while drunk.. i made the opposite decision in the past and really regretted it.. i don't get the appeal, i guess.. i think i'm one of four guys there that didn't use tobacco during the weekend.. at least 4 of 5 dentists recommend that..

- first snowfall of the year.. pretty romantic, except for the other 15 men i spent the weekend with..

- listened to the Vikings game on the way home for the 4th straight year.. and for the 2nd straight year, Adrian Peterson had his best game of the year and the Vikings won.. always makes the 4-hour ride a little more bearable.. also on the ride home, i have to train myself not to swear every other word.. that's acceptable around 15 other men, not really when i walk into mom's house or at work..

- after getting home, sprint to the shower to give the ol' giggleberries a once-over with some body wash for the first time since Wednesday night.. best 15 minutes of my life.. well, it's in the top 10.. also realize that my facial hair is a train wreck at this point, so i admired that for a good 5 minutes..


Top 10 Muscles Women Love according to Men's Health

1. 6-Pack Abs
You could have biceps the size of bowling balls, but if you've got the beginnings of a gut, any discriminating woman will think twice before considering you boyfriend material. Their fear: A little excess midriff meat now means one fat, sloppy bastard in 10 years.

2. Powerful Forearms
Women see strong forearms and think you can do everything: Fend off a mugger, build a house, and maintain a dexterous touch long enough to leave them extremely satisfied. So roll up those sleeves, and let 'em have a look.

3. A Nice Butt
Women check out your butt because it's a clue to your worthiness as a physical specimen. If you're in great shape, it carries high. Otherwise, your rear end droops like a sack of old potatoes.

4. A Broad Back
A wide back is essential for a V-shaped torso, and women's attraction to it is ancestral. "When it was important that our mates protect us from woolly mammoths on the plains, we looked for a gene pool that could provide us with protection," says Pega Ren, Ed.D., a sexologist in British Columbia.

5. Sculpted Shoulders
"The shoulder muscles are really the muscles of love and war," says Nancy Etcoff, Ph.D., author of Survival of the Prettiest. They also make the whole look when combined with a broad back. Strong shoulders literally sweep women off their feet.

6. Rock-Hard Calves
"Women want an overall sense of strength and fitness," says Etcoff. "If a man looks as if he can lift something but can't run, it looks disproportionate."

7. The Money Line
We're not convinced that's its official name, but here's how our female friends describe it: "The muscle that runs diagonally from hip to crotch," "The muscle that sticks out near the hips—yummy!" and "Lower abs, near his package."

8. A Big Chest
"Women treasure your chest as much as you do theirs," says Emily Dubberley, a sex expert based in the UK. "Touching, kissing, and licking a man's chest is undoubtedly a turn-on for most women."

9. Large Biceps
In a poll of Cosmopolitan readers, 1 out of 5 women confessed that nice biceps on a man makes them "absolutely melt."

10. Strong Hamstrings
Many women prefer being on top because it lets them lean forward to rub against your pubic bone. Having well-conditioned hamstrings and glutes makes it easier to meet her halfway for more pleasure.


Monday, November 24, 2008
let's make this moment a crime..

this post is being co-brought to you by the guy at work who had a serious discussion with another co-worker that ended with "maybe R2D2 is Spock's dad?", the foreign guy that i didn't know at the bar on Saturday who got me to ask a girl her name for him (no dice), and 16-year-olds at the mall using their ears as cigarette holders..

another guy i work with wears his sunglasses while indoors.. apparently he's from Hollywood, lived really close to a celebrity and is trying to start a trend.. which he is: people making fun of him behind his back.. on the douche scale, he's right below Ryan Seacrest..

was at Shopko on Saturday and when i was checking out, the cashier guy asked me if i had the "Shopko Reward Zone" card or whatever the hell it's called.. i said no and that i wasn't interested in it.. he says, "you do know that it's a free discount card, right?".. that's cool, you do know that you're a 35-year-old man working as a cashier at Shopko, right? which one of us has probably made the greater number of good decisions in our life?

how do old people fart without realizing it? seriously, that sound meant you either farted or stepped on a duck.. and neither should go unnoticed.. learn how to drive too, you don't need a blinker on for 13 blocks.. spread the word at the next shuffleboard tournament..

Thanksgiving is three days away.. here's what i do.. eat as much as humanly possible, lay on the couch and watch the football games until i fall asleep.. then i wake up and eat leftover pumpkin pie until i feel sick.. i imagine many people celebrate the same way.. probably in my top 10 favorite holidays..

Hollister, get some better clothes and turn down the Jonas Brothers and/or Weezer album.. every time i go in there, i leave pissed off.. and hire someone who wasn't homecoming king or queen.. American Eagle, keep up the good work, i like your style..

saw my first Salvation Army bell ringer outside Cash Wise last week.. i don't remember the last time i went past one of them without putting some coin in.. it just gets me in the Christmas spirit, they're always so cheerful, especially for sitting outside in freezing weather ringing a bell for hours without getting paid.. not enough people like that..

heard this question posed to females on the radio today: do you like when guys let you win at something? the overwhelming answer was that they didn't, going easy on them just made them feel worse.. which makes sense, it is 2008.. so don't go easy, dominate them if you can.. hopefully they'll be motivated to return the favor later.. you know, like in bed, sexually..

roommate text of the past week: "i think i just witnessed goat rape"..

with the new position at work, i was forced to take a half-hour unpaid lunch break which i don't prefer because i'd rather get out of there a half-hour earlier.. anyway, i was conversing with my mom about ways to spend this half-hour and she recommended bringing a book to read.. which would be a solid idea, if the book i was reading wasn't the "Men's Health read this and be really good at sex" book (paraphrasing).. i don't need a trip to the HR office because i'm in the lunch room reading about oral sex techniques.. instead, i've opted for Men's Health magazines so far, which can be just as R-rated but cleverly disguised in a well-respected magazine.. in a related story: i'm one of the smarter people i know..

in the "ridiculous comparison with a celebrity that makes me feel somewhat attractive" department, i was told i look kinda like Mark Wahlberg last week by a woman i've never met.. normally i wouldn't take it seriously and take off my shirt to prove that i'm not him, but that wasn't the first time i've been told that.. someone at a bar at least a year ago said the same thing.. the common denominator in each occurrence? i was wearing a goofy hat i bought at Target for $7.. apparently it doesn't cost a lot to make me look good.. and speaking of big heads, i guess they work well when trying to sport goofy lids and not so well for childbirth.. sorry mom..

we ended up with a naked girl in the hot tub on Friday.. how, you ask? find a girl with no self-respect, add alcohol for three hours and mix well with dancing.. Friday was the first night i met her but i had heard legendary stories before this about her asking random guys to have sex with her while walking down the street after the bar.. i didn't drink much at the bar because i was going into work on Saturday morning, so when i left around midnight i asked if anyone wanted a ride back.. a roommate, his gal, naked hot tub girl and a roommates buddy came along.. right when we get in the house, roommate brings up the hot tub and asks naked hot tub girl if she has her swimsuit, knowing full well that she didn't.. she says "no, but i'll go in naked if i have a shot".. i thought girls with that attitude were complete myths, you know, like the tooth fairy, the g-spot and "don't swim for an hour after eating".. i don't have many rules, but one is "if a girl is going in the hot tub naked, i'm going to make an effort to be in there as well" if only for the comedy factor, which was the case here.. so we get in the hot tub and she lives up to her promise by disrobing her bottom half before climbing in, which is more uncomfortable to watch than you'd think when it's a stranger and you've only had three beers, proving the "never go to a strip club sober" theory.. she finishes off beer number one and starts mouthing off about sitting on the edge of the hot tub if someone goes to get another beer for her.. with my empty beer and roommate convincing me, i braved the elements and returned.. when she offered to give out lap dances if someone turned music on, i decided to call it a night but not before turning on the radio and leaving her and roommates buddy to enjoy each other.. which lasted quite a while, judging by the time of which the beer bottle was punted across the kitchen when they came in, waking me up and scaring me shitless.. all in all, an entertaining night, to say the least..


Monday, December 29, 2008
paralyzed..

this post is being co-brought to you by people who bring Target carts into the mall and use it only to push their kid around, people who refuse to turn their headlights on in the fog, and the old guy i saw on my way to work this morning who slipped while taking a walk on glare ice.. i laughed when i realized he was okay..

last week i sprained an ankle while sleeping.. stepped out of bed in the morning and almost fell over in pain.. i sleep rough..

i saw "True Life: Love Triangle" on MTV last week where this dude cheated on his girlfriend, got the other girl pregnant, and now is "in love" with both girls and can't understand why both of them aren't down with it.. how does this end up on television? i don't understand the process.. do these morons contact MTV and say "hey, we have this bizarre love triangle thing going on and we're all unattractive, want to film us?".. and either this guy was the world's greatest actor, or he was genuinely flabbergasted that the girl he cheated on didn't want any part of him anymore.. i need to hang out with guys like him.. for the entertainment value..

how many fucking times do you have to wash and dry new bath towels before they stop leaving those fucking fuzzy things on you after you shower?!? FUCK!!!!

last Friday night, a former roommate was in town for Christmas and stopped by with his Nintendo Wii.. so we drank a lot of alcohol and played (after stretching, of course).. when we were done with that, the topic of beer pong came up.. we tried brainstorming to come up with a place to play because it would be cold in our garage where the ping pong table is.. the living room floor wasn't an option because another roommate had to work in the morning.. the kitchen table was too short.. we finally decided to turn on the heat in the garage and tough out the 40-degree temperature.. one other problem.. no plastic cups.. one roommate offered to drive to Walmart to get some, "it's a mile away and i've only had four beers".. Wii Owner/Ex-Roommate "no, don't drive.. you'll get a DUI and we won't have enough people to play".. solid.. this led to us rummaging the kitchen cupboards to find every glass/mug/coffee cup/ICEE cup in the house.. finally finding the requisite 20 drinking apparatus' for play, we headed out into the Arctic Circle known as the garage.. when one of your rules is "you must drink if you slip and anything but your hands and feet touches the ground", you know it's a bit cold.. we found two ping pong balls resting comfortably in a liquid that was dirty water in the best-case-scenario and transmission fluid mixed with battery acid in the worst-case-scenario.. never the type of guys to delay the start of a drinking game for trivial things like "possible death by poison", we rinsed them off in the "ball wash cups" which were wine glasses for the first time in history.. an exhausting 5-game series won by the bad guys led to the obligatory pizza delivery at 2 a.m. which one of the victors missed because he was locked in the bathroom, vomiting.. we saved him some pizza.. (side note: someone who reads this and is closely linked with Wii Owner/Ex-Roommate owes me a Tippy Cup Championship Belt.. make it happen)..

our family spent Christmas at my brother's family's house.. we did the gift opening in the afternoon and the night was spent playing board games and drinking wine.. the three games we played were Catch Phrase, Apples to Apples and Loaded Questions.. i had never played Loaded Questions before but i think it was my favorite one.. the short version of how to play is this: a person rolls the dice, moves that many spaces and picks up a "loaded question" card.. then they must read the question that corresponds to the color of the space they landed on.. for example: "if you could have one magic power, what would it be?".. then the person to the right over the roller reads off all the answers, and the roller has to guess which answer belongs to which person.. hilarity ensued.. animals, countries and body parts were invented.. i answered the question of "where would be the worst place you'd find yourself tomorrow?" with "Clay Aiken's bed", much to the delight of the family.. i think Mom elected to go read "Curious George" to the grandkids about the same time i voted "Scarlett Johannson's breasts" as the "greatest invention ever" and "bra" as the "worst article of clothing someone could wear".. your baby boy has all growsed up, Mom :)

speaking of Mom, my favorite gift at Christmas wasn't something that was given to me.. it was the $130 heart-shaped necklace that Dad gave to her.. our family isn't one to say the "i love yous" so that's about as mushy as we get.. the best part? he picked it out himself.. i guess romance isn't dead..

my nieces combined to increase my desire to have my first-born be a girl.. they get cuter every time i see them.. i have some adorable nephews as well but the girls are more likely to climb up with you in the chair and snuggle, whereas the boys are running around all hopped up on the bag of Twizzlers they just crushed.. one of my nieces "tickled" me all Christmas day, and her idea of tickling is putting her hands by your neck and moving them around frantically.. and when i wouldn't laugh (because she wasn't touching me), she'd get mad.. so i had to fake laugh, then she'd laugh.. and her laugh is super adorable..

these traits are unattractive, take notes:

- smoking
- talking and caring only about yourself
- seeking attention from multiple members of the opposite sex
- complaining constantly about something in your life
- changing your personality
- dressing uber-whorish
- being obnoxiously drunk


text of the week: FWD: Scientists have discovered that ALL women will, at some point, contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out.


a few interesting (see: sexual) things from the current issue of Men's Health:

- 2 signs that as a guy, you're good at sex.. 1) After sex, she seems completely out of it. When you hit all the right spots in all the right ways, it tends to short-circuit a girl's brain and body - her voice gets thicker, her limbs go all floppy, and all the tension drains out of her face. 2) When she finally does come to her senses, she cuddles up next to you and whispers sweet things in your ear. Authentic orgasms break down a girl's defenses and makes them feel clingier than a koala bear.

- according to 2,446 women polled, here's what's most important for their men to do:

* Arouse me before sex: 82%
* Be a good kisser: 81%
* Be sexually spontaneous: 63%
* Tell me how great I was: 55%
* Let me take control: 52%
* Be up for the next round quickly: 32%
* Set the mood with lights, music: 31%


Monday, February 2, 2009
hate to say i told you so..

this post is being co-brought to you by me getting lost in Target tonight and Red Hot Chili Pepper lyrics..

according to a statistic i just made up, girls who can dance are 3 million times hotter than girls who can't.. an average-looking (5 on the standard 1-10 scale) can become a 7-8 (depending on whether she's sticking with her girls or looking for a guys crotch to grind on).. a girl who's originally an 8 can become my future wife and mother of my children if she dances hot enough and knows at least half the alphabet.. i can't explain it and i don't feel that i have to.. i can't begin to count the times i've said "is she fucking serious with that?" to friends/roommates while watching a girl dance all hot.. i can't look away.. if you're fat, you're welcome to come stand on the dance floor but only because that makes things more cramped and gives the attractive people an excuse to get closer.. but don't dance, we don't want to spill our drinks.. just kidding, you can dance.. with the guy with the cowboy boots, sleeveless shirt and Dale Earnhardt hat on..

i miss the summer a lot.. and not just Christmas is over and it's snowed more in Minnesota this winter than the last 15 combined.. on Friday's this past summer, here is what happened more often than not: i'd get home around 6:00, immediately change into my kick ass golfing shorts and go with my roommate Robert to the golf course like 5 blocks away.. we'd pay for 9 holes, a cart, 6 beers and i'd buy a couple balls because i'd anticipate hitting several over the highway, into the lake/woods or on elderly couples' lawns.. one of two things would happen on my first tee shot; i'd either hit my best shot of the day and start drinking to celebrate, or slice it as far out of bounds to the right as humanly possible, lose any amount of potential confidence and start drinking to drown my misery.. either way, things would go downhill.. we'd then get home usually just in time for the 3rd inning of the Twins game and continue the drinking theme with the rest of our roommates.. after the game, we'd go into the backyard and have a fire.. i don't know what it is about fires but they are absolutely addicting.. we could sit out there for hours at a time listening to random old cd's and not get bored.. the only reason anyone would go in is because they'd have to work or have baseball practice the next day.. we didn't even have to go inside to pee, that's what the tree's/middle of the backyard were for..

girls, i'm going to let you in a little secret that isn't a secret at all.. while a guy is sleeping, his penis has a mind of it's own.. the penis never sleeps.. i don't know how many times i've woken up at 5 a.m. needing to pee but he's prepared for some impromptu orgy to be starting any minute.. so, you have two options: one, wait it out, which sucks because all you want to do is pee and go back to sleep.. or two, practically stand on your head and risk peeing all over the bathroom wall.. generally, i choose option one, all while reprimanding him for wasting his energy.. where was this attitude when i was 13 beers deep and making out with that lava-hot chick at the after-bar?? you were nowhere to be found then (fictional story for effect).. but he chooses the middle of a random Thursday night with no female in sight to make an appearance? sometimes i feel like i have to call that number that you're supposed to call if you have an erection lasting longer than 4 hours.. then i realize it's been 45 seconds.. whatever.. the point is, we aren't always on the same page.. sometimes we fight..

recently i've been training for a 10K i'm running in less than 3 weeks by going to restaurants called "The Cheesecake Factory" and ordering pizza from a place chosen "best" by the Chicago Tribune and New York Times.. don't be looking for me in the winners circle..

i'm in the suburbs of Chicago with a couple co-workers and it was one of their birthdays last Saturday, so we went to "The Cheesecake Factory" to celebrate.. it's just a typical restaurant but it has phenomenal food.. anyway, since it was Saturday night, the place was pretty busy and we had a 50-70 minute wait to be seated.. so we went across the street to the Barnes and Noble to waste time.. i bought a Jack Johnson cd and a "Guitar Player" magazine with Brad Paisley on the cover to prepare for my 2017 appearance at the Grammy's.. we go back to the restaurant to get one of those vibrating things that alert you when you can sit down.. so we're waiting, suddenly this racked-out chick is walking towards me with an "i wanna have your babies" look and i'm getting nervous.. apparently the "i wanna have your babies" look is very similar to the "would you like a drink while waiting?" look.. my co-workers decline, because they have a backbone.. "i'll have a Bud Light", i tell her in my manliest voice, all while imagining what her orgasm sounds like.. she brought it to me and i immediately throw it over my shoulder, pick her up and bring her to the coat closet to give her a generous "tip".. well, that's what would have happened in the porn version of my life.. but i did steal the beer glass.. that's almost the same.. (the scene from "Dumb and Dumber" comes to mind where Lloyd says "it's a love memento.. the most beautiful woman in the world.. i drove her to the airport, sparks flew, emotions ran high..... she actually talked to me man").. i stole the glass as a love memento :)

going in reverse-chronological order, we were at Buffalo Wild Wings the night before that.. i had such a money spot where i was sitting.. the girl right in front of me was wearing blue underwear.. know how i know that? i looked at her ass 90% of the night.. 95% after the guy with large muscles who sat beside her had left.. couldn't tell you if her face was cute at all.. wanna know the best part about the story? i was with my two guy co-workers and also a girl from Massachusetts who was here as well and we knew from last year.. so i'm all talking trash about "i wonder if she wants to have sex with me later tonight?" or "i wonder if she has our babies names picked out?" and telling the girl we're with to ask if she likes me, as a joke.. suddenly, the girl we're with gets up from her chair and i immediately sprint towards the bathroom to avoid being embarrassed.. too late.. luckily nobody saw me but there was a rug right before you turn left into the bathroom area.. when i got to the rug, i slammed on the breaks but my feet kept going.. luckily, my cell phone broke my fall.. i come back to the table after i pee and ask if they had saw that.. no one had.. i asked if she talked to the girl with the nice caboose.. she had, but it wasn't about me.. she just asked about good bars around here.. whatever, i need a lesson in talking to girls..

sometimes babies on airplanes can be hell.. if they won't stop crying or yelling, it gets very frustrating and annoying.. however, if they look at you and smile when you smile at them, it's super cute! i have five pictures in my cell phone: one is a picture my sister took of herself so she could have a picture ID when she calls, one is of me and my roommates someone took when we were drunk, one is Wrigley Field, one is the aforementioned "girl with the cute caboose from BWW's" (who is still my cell phone wallpaper), and one is this super cute baby girl that was on the plane from Boston to Minneapolis with me last year.. even as we were waiting to take off, she was looking at me, and of course i smiled at her every time she did.. and she would smile.. it was adorable.. eventually her parents realized that their infant daughter was flirting with me and they smiled at me too.. i don't think parents ever get sick of being told how cute their babies are..

if you need two guys to do a duet of N'Sync's "This I Promise You", give my roommate Josh and i two hours to warm up our golden pipes and down a few beers.. we'll knock your fucking socks off..

ESPN pisses me off sometimes.. after the Super Bowl last night, they did a list of "greatest Super Bowl moments" and #1 was the catch that Santonio Holmes made to win last nights game.. that's ridiculous.. just because it happened 2 hours ago doesn't mean it's the best.. it shouldn't even be in the top 10.. first of all, the catch David Tyree made for the Giants last year is better.. there are so many legendary plays that have been made in the Super Bowl, to make the touchdown catch that happened 2 hours earlier #1, simply because it happened 2 hours earlier, is ridiculous.. it was a great catch, but not close to some of the great plays in the past..

my ritual at airports is to buy a Playboy.. sometimes its awkward when you're close to home because someone you know might see you or you might recognize the checkout person, etc.. but at the airport, i don't care cause 1) they'll never see you again, so their judgement ends when i reach the terminal.. and 2) they have pictures of naked girls in there and i'm a boy, i'm supposed to like that.. obviously i still do the "pretend i'm looking at sports magazines while looking for the Playboy out of the corner of my eye until the store is empty" trick.. that's the first commandment of Playboy purchasing..

what events would have to happen in someones life that they'd come to the conclusion that they're going to start a band and name it "The Butthole Surfers?" if i started a band, that wouldn't crack my top 15,328,422 choices.. it'd be after "The Dick Polishers" or "The Scrotum Squad" somewhere.. i'm assuming several drugs and a hat full of nouns and verbs were involved.. also, probably a horrible upbringing..

my roommates are trying to convince me to have sex with this trainwreck who'll sleep with anyone.. of course, by now you'll have realized that someone who sleeps with anyone and everyone doesn't appeal to me.. had this text conversation with one roommate today:

him: (girl's) new profile pic is looking good!!
me: is she applying cream to her genital warts?
him: correct. they can be controlled. the hot tub also eliminates any disease.
me: cool, i'll start by licking her vagina then..
him: glad to see you're coming around!
me: what's the limit for amount of condoms i'm allowed to wear? take the amount of dudes she's slept with and divide by five? (that's a good rule to follow, by the way)
him: no glove, just cross your fingers.
me: that's insanity..
him: that's a rush..

i'm starting to realize that more people read this than what i think.. this past week, a girl i graduated with wrote "when in doubt, i read (my) blogs to remind me that guys are, for the most part, good, kind, funny and sweet".. it's awesome to hear stuff like that.. when i started writing this, i thought maybe 5 people would read it on a regular basis.. now i get people coming up to me at bars downtown saying they read my blog and love it.. or people telling me that reading my blog made their day.. it's weird to hear that.. sometimes it's like "you actually know who i am? i haven't spoken to you in years".. it's super cool to know that people look forward to reading them, i try to think of entertaining things to write about, and even if some stories are embarrassing i'll include them because they're true.. my life is entertaining enough to not have to make up stories.. so thanks for reading and for all the compliments on how "sweet" i seem.. i like to agree with that..

here is a list of pointless jobs:

- boxing corner man.. the second i get punched in the face, everything you've ever said to me goes out the window and i'm just trying to stay alive..

- the "wrap it up" orchestra at awards shows.. never once has this worked in less than 30 seconds..

- Door-to-Door salesmen, selling anything.. "you know, i was just eating dinner with my family and thinking about changing my religion, i'm glad you stopped by"..

- cell phone kiosks in malls..

- personal trainers.. unless you're a millionaire, you can't afford $1,000 an hour to have some guy yell at you.. find a workout routine and motivate yourself.. oh, and save a ton of money..

- whoever's job it is to censor or blur out offensive words/images.. jeez, what did he just say after "mother??".. what's behind those blurry circles on that girls chest?

- male cheerleaders..

- math teachers.. i know that 3x3=9, i don't know where the two trains will meet if one is going 55 mph, the other is going 65 mph and there is a 10 mph wind from the north and the barometric pressure is falling.. oh, and x=y(n)2.. great, when the fuck am i ever going to need that? here is an impromptu math question from Playboy that i do get: Question: You are having a threesome, when two extra girls enter, one leaves, three come in, two go and five more jump in unexpectedly. How many people are in your bed? Answer: Who the hell cares?

- whoever put up that "No Target Carts In The Mall" sign.. i see more Target carts in the mall than i see in Target..

- the guy at the door at Best Buy who says "ahh, go ahead" when someone walks out and the alarm goes off..

- sports sideline reporters who ask questions like, "coach, you're down 28 points at halftime and you just lost your leading scorer for the season to a knee injury, how do you feel?"..

- the makers of crotchless panties.. don't worry, we'll find it.. that's half the fun..

- the makers of Luden's cherry "cough drops".. pure candy..

- the makers of ponchos.. they have a life expectancy of 14 seconds.. it was pouring rain on our way up to deer hunting this past year, so my dad and brothers and i all bought ponchos so we could stay dry while setting up camp.. i think i put mine on, started to walk away and my poncho immediately tore in half after getting caught on a tree branch.. "FUCK!!! that's cool", i said.. i guess that's what you get for buying ponchos for 79 cents at a place probably called Leroy's Gas, Bait, Liquor and Taxidermy..


Sunday, April 19, 2009
favorite book of poetry..

this post is being co-brought to you by the guy at the driving range who yelled obscenities after every swing and the bitch sitting in the driveway of her mansion on the golf course, cheering for runners while wrapped in a blanket and drinking Caribou Coffee..

Friday was a day for a lot of firsts.. for one, i made my first employee cry by "yelling" at her.. it really wasn't that bad but she asks to leave early nearly every day and it was getting old.. so when she told me on Friday that she wanted to leave early, i kinda raised my voice.. then she cried.. then i let her go home because i'm a pussy..

also on Friday, we had our first fire of the summer in our backyard.. it was bittersweet for a few reasons.. one, the Twins were losing 8-3 when we went out so we thought it was over.. eventually i received a text that says "Kubel is my hero", thought it was sarcasm and figured he had struck out a few times.. eventually i learned we had scored 7 run in one inning and Jason Kubel hit a grand slam to give us an 11-9 lead.. i hate missing stuff like that.. another reason why it was bittersweet is that this is the first fire i've enjoyed without the freedom to drink my weight in alcohol.. i was getting up at 6:30 Saturday morning to run in the Earth Day Half Marathon relay and didn't think being hungover was the best way to go about it.. the last reason it was bittersweet is because all the roommates besides me had gals with them (and actually the same gals as last summer, which is shocking).. so they always tell me to get any random, unattractive, slutty girl over but i'd rather sleep in my bed alone than wake up next to something i don't want to wake up to..

i have these unbelievable lounge pants that i wear nearly all winter, especially to bed.. the roommates act like they don't like it because they can "see the outline of my guy parts".. so while i was gone one weekend, they hid them somewhere in the house and it's been about 2 months since they've been in my possession.. i've been told that if i get them back and start wearing them again, Mike is going to walk around the house naked because it's pretty much the same thing.. the pants are so comfortable it might be worth it..

i like when people get in new relationships and start completely ignoring everyone else.. i have/had so many close "friends" that i haven't talked to in forever, which not coincidentally began around the same time they began relationships.. i understand that at the beginning, you're all fired up about the new person and want to hang out with them as much as possible but eventually you're going to want time away from them and all the people who you used to hang out with have given up trying.. one of the main factors in how i feel about a girl is if my friends like her and think she's cool.. and i enjoy impressing a girl's friends and having them tell her how jaw-droppingly awesome i am as well.. plus, a girls hotness factor goes up roughly 13 million points if she's able to hold her own in a crowded room, especially if she doesn't really know anyone.. it shows she's willing to make the effort to get to know your friends and impress them..

got a phone call last week from a girl i used to hang out with.. in fact, it was the girl from a few posts back who i met at a party at our house and then hung out with for a while and then she informed me she liked a roommate of mine.. anyway, i was out "training" for the run when she called so i wasn't able to answer.. when i got home and informed the roommates that she called, they obviously went into boy-mode and tried convincing me that she wanted to have sex with me, although she has a boyfriend.. i never think my luck is that good but she has called and texted me a few times recently so i called her back.. nothing that we discussed made me less confused about how the female brain works..


here's a running diary of my Saturday (times approximate, stories real)..

6:30 a.m.: my alarm goes off.. this upsets me..

6:45 a.m.: my alarm goes off again.. i better wake up.. walk outside to check the weather.. cold, cloudy and hurricane-force winds.. perfect..

6:50 a.m.: to get energy to run 1/4th of a marathon, i eat wheat toast with peanut butter.. then i put on my stretchy shorts to keep the ol' beanbag from bouncing around and minimize chafing..

7:00 a.m.: consider writing my will, since in the past few months i've basically donated $40 a month to the local gym.. figure that's probably too pessimistic..

7:10 a.m.: my sister gets to my house. i immediately ask her if i'm dressed appropriately.. she says no.. i go change.. notice my iPod on my desk but this race forbids them.. i don't grab it..

7:15 a.m.: my brother and his wife get to my house.. the boys are one team and the girls are another.. we're appropriately named "The Slow Guys"..

7:30 a.m.: we park at Halenbeck Hall.. notice all the people that look to be in tremendous shape, i immediately regret the fondness for raspberry Bismark doughnuts i've developed in the past month.. two people are jogging TO the race.. probably from Duluth.. cool..

7:40-8:15 a.m.: stretching and looking for people i might be able to outrun over a long distance with little success.. most people are running a half marathon by themselves.. F that S.. also notice that 97% of people are wearing iPods.. wonder if i should tattle on them..

8:20 a.m.: see someone i graduated high school with and ran in last years Grandma's marathon.. jokingly offer him running tips..

8:30 a.m.: my brother and his wife are running the first leg of our relay so they line up with 1,400 other people at the starting line.. some guy is wearing a tight orange shirt that covers his nipples and nothing lower than that.. i stare impolitely.. and they're off..

8:35 a.m.: my sister and i go into Halenbeck Hall to warm up and watch some volleyball tournament that's going on.. they continue to serve into the net and most of them are fat.. i quickly lose interest..

9:00 a.m.: we still have no idea where the second leg of the relay begins.. might be a good time to figure that out..

9:10 a.m.: we find out it's a mile away.. we reluctantly start running..

9:20 a.m.: arrive to where we need to be.. realize that i dropped my Vaseline Lip Therapy.. nearly have panic attack.. look back to see it's about 20 feet away and being trampled by runners.. i rescue it..

9:30 a.m.: see my brother coming, must have left his wife in the dust.. classy move.. i hand him my sweatshirt and begin my long suicide..

9:35 a.m.: the two women running by me are having a serious conversation.. maybe that should have been done on the ride in..

9:40 a.m.: feel my right calf cramping up.. good, i was hoping this would happen..

9:50 a.m.: come to what i considered the tallest mountain in Minnesota.. if i see a hot tub anywhere along this route, i'm immediately quitting and asking the homeowners permission to use it..

10:00 a.m.: my sister catches up to me and talks trash..

10:00-10:20 a.m.: i struggle to keep up with her.. she tells me that the first leg was 6 miles and the second leg is 7 miles.. i promise myself to not buy her a Christmas gift this year..

10:25 a.m.: see another large mountain we have to climb.. "fuck this" i say..

10:35 a.m.: in the last mile.. my legs are seriously starting to give out.. i remember seeing video of marathon runners who have adequately trained coming to the finish line but the cramping in their legs being so bad that they can't even stand.. reassuring.. notice my sister holding her side and ask if she's okay.. she tells us later that her sideache was so bad it felt like her intestines were in a knot.. running is fun..

10:40 a.m.: cross the finish line at same time as my sister.. they give us medals and water.. my knees feel like all the cartilage has worn out of them.. Ryan (the guy from the bar story a few posts ago) was there watching his girlfriend and comes up to me.. i want to meet her but he doesn't know where she is..

11:00 a.m.: we go eat at Old Chicago.. my brother notices my shoes and asks if i ran in basketball shoes.. i said "yeah, they're the only ones i have".. evidently basketball shoes are like running with cement blocks tied to your feet and wearing running shoes is like running on clouds.. good thing to find out after running the longest distance of my life.. we reminisce about the time we all went to see "The Grinch" in the movie theater and he spilled a large Coke on his lap just as he sat down.. nothing like Coke in the crotch for 2 hours..

12:00 p.m.: get dropped off at my house to shower and change.. probably too early for a beer..

12:45 p.m.: get out to my parents house to hang out with the family.. my 3-year-old niece immediately tells me i'm weird for not eating macaroni and cheese..

1:30-4:00 p.m.: go golfing with my brother.. i play better than expected with every muscle screaming at me.. the first three holes he hits three perfect drives and we can't find the ball.. notice a man-eating muskrat or beaver or something swimming in the river.. "aren't those things mean?" i ask.. "well they're not going to chase you, but i wouldn't go pet it" he says..

4:30 p.m.: i tell my niece i'll give her a dollar if she gives me a backrub.. she touches my back for 20 seconds and tells me she's exhausted.. cutest ever.. i ask her what she's going to buy with the dollar.. "a motorcycle" she says..

5:30 p.m.: barbecue chicken pizza is amazing.. begin thinking that i might be close to not hating mushrooms.. sad day..

6:00-8:00 p.m.: watch the Twins game.. the throwback uni's they wear on Saturday's this year are awesome.. they're from 1982, the first year of the Metrodome.. i wish they'd wear the powder blues on the road like they did back then.. these are much better than their current ones..

8:00 p.m.: get ready to go to the Side for a few drinks with my sister, brother and his wife.. we're all exhausted so we don't want to get too crazy.. my brother and i both ask our sister if what we're wearing looks okay.. i get told that i can't wear shorts because i don't have sandals..

8:30 p.m.: arrive at the Side.. we get drinks and go to a table in the back..

8:45 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.: i try Amstel Light and actually enjoy it.. we discuss the normal topics (why i don't have a girlfriend).. also brainstorm on possible names for a band that my brother might form.. some classics are discussed.. we decide that my suggestion of "Swamp Ass" is the early favorite..

10:30 p.m.: the rest of the family is throwing in the towel.. Ryan has showed up and tells me i can't go to bed at 11:00.. i agree.. my car is at my parents so i ask him if we'll come back tonight.. he says "yeah, probably".. i know he's lying but i also know he has baseball practice in the morning so i'll get home eventually.. we go to the Carpet..

11:00 p.m.: get to the Carpet.. both of us win $40 on the ATM game.. good sign..

11:10 p.m.: we get drinks and sit at a table while he figures out where his girlfriend is.. i notice a heated argument between some hot chick and douchebag.. it's fun to watch those.. eventually while he's spewing drunk nonsense at her, she makes eye contact with me and smirks slightly.. i excitedly tell Ryan.. he says that she keeps looking over at me afterwards.. "i'm going to make out with her later" i tell him..

11:15 p.m.: Ryan tells me that when he gets bored at work, he goes back and reads past blogs of mine.. he was recently laughing while reading one and his boss came by to see why.. he showed her and she started laughing too.. glad i can be the cause of a major decrease in workplace productivity..

11:25 p.m.: see a girl walk by with a disaster for a face and an obviously fake rack.. i tell Ryan to remind me to blog about faces being more important than boobs..

11:30 p.m.-12:00 a.m.: run into two more avid blog readers and am anointed the "funniest guy ever".. that's going on my tombstone.. i'm told that i should put my blogging ahead of my job because people look forward to reading these so much.. that's much-appreciated but i look forward to having money to pay for things..

12:00-1:00 a.m.: Ryan's girlfriend eventually shows up with a friend who she ran with in the race.. Ryan told me earlier that one of the things he likes most about her is that she's independent and doesn't always need him around.. i agree that's a very cool quality.. we notice some other dudes talking to her and putting their arm around her.. i ask Ryan if that bugs him and he says no because he knows she's going home with him (foreshadowing).. Ryan goes to the bathroom and i stand guard of his girlfriend, ready to knock anyone out because i'm a badass with earrings and a tattoo..

1:00-2:00 a.m.: we go do a lot of dancing.. we also notice the girl that was eye-fucking me earlier is close by.. while i'm dancing, i feel hands rubbing my back and arms.. could have been eye-fuck girl or Ryan's girlfriends friend.. either way, i was drunk and enjoying it.. also, while i was peeing, some idiot came in and was pissed because all the urinals were being used.. so he started talking all dumb and then said "now i'll probably get beat up".. as i walk by him, i say "i remember when i had my first beer".. that shut him up and caused laughter from the other urinaters.. i always like to win over the bathroom crowds..

2:00 a.m.: we get outside and realize the girls are nowhere to be found.. Ryan is upset by this ditching and says he wants to drive back home.. i tell him he's not doing that.. eventually his girlfriend calls him and says she's at some brick house on some street.. we search for it..

2:15 a.m.: eventually we find it, she's on the front porch.. some guys that must have owned the place asked us if we were walking home and told us to "have a good night".. we obviously weren't invited in.. a truck pulls up and Ryan's girlfriend runs right by without acknowledging him and she goes and talks to the truck guys.. Ryan has no idea what's going on.. they all went to the back of the house, so we sit on the steps and discuss our options and the fact that all girls should be considered crazy until proven otherwise..

2:30 a.m.: we decide that we'd stay at my place til the morning and then go back to our respective parents..

3:00 a.m.: we get home and he's still texting and talking to his girlfriend's friend to see what's going on.. apparently his girlfriend passed out on the couch, so at least she wasn't whoring around on him.. still it was rude to tell us to come there and then act like we were invisible.. Ryan contemplates going back there.. i'm exhausted so i turn ESPN on and fall asleep on the couch..

7:30 a.m.: i wake up, my mouth tastes like death mixed with expired elephant piss.. definitely still drunk.. Ryan is on the loveseat in his underwear.. "i couldn't sleep with jeans on" he says.. my roommates fiance comes upstairs and tells us they're getting ready to go to their second day of marriage class and today they were going to talk about sex.. i'm sure i said something stupid about people not having sex when they get married.. i get up to get some water and nearly fall over from the soreness in both my calves..

8:00 a.m.: i get back to my parents.. everyone is awake and flabbergasted that i'm awake this early.. i try to hide the fact that i'm still legally drunk.. i drink a gallon of water and go back to sleep off my drunkenness..

did i forget anything Ryan?


Cosmo's latest issue includes a "Hot Fantasy Game".. here are a few favorites:

- You are getting dressed for a big night out and look incredible. As I ogle you from head to toe, I notice a silk tie draped over the doorknob behind you and get a very naughty idea. I pick it up, then lead you to a chair. Gently, I lower you onto it and wrap the tie around your... [finish this fantasy]

- We're on vacation, walking back from the beach, a little sweaty from the sun, a little sticky from the saltwater. Hands intertwined and sand between our toes, we notice a dune off the path, and beside it, a patch of soft grass. Slyly, we glance at each other, then at the same time, rip off our suits, Next, we... [finish this fantasy]

- Leaving a friend's place, we decide to take the stairs. As we go down, you give me a come-hither motion and sprint ahead. Confused, I speed up, my eyes on your ass. I almost catch up, then you stop. Momentum takes over, and my body pins yours to the wall. Panting, I grind into you and hold your arms back so I can... [finish this fantasy]

- We've just been to a wedding, and we look pretty damn elegant. As we head to the car, we hear a clap of thunder. The sky breaks open, forcing us to run back to the reception hall and huddle under a balcony. Our clothes cling to our bodies, and yours are just begging to be stripped off. So I... [finish this fantasy]