every rose has it's thorn..

this post is being co-brought to you by the guy i saw driving a truck with his foot out the window and resting on his side mirror and my roommates "Doug's Tug" shipping hat, which he wore to softball tonight..

i went through the least favorite part of my job for the second time today.. i had to call three people to tell them not to come to work until we call them back.. it sucks to have to tell someone that we don't know when they're going to get paid again.. luckily, these people are young and most likely still live with their parents while going to school, but it's still not fun to have to be the person to tell them.. i dialed each number praying for the voicemail to pick up..

here's why i want a girlfriend: so i don't have to pay $40 for someone to give me a massage for a fucking half hour.. i've realized this recently because of tension headaches and i can feel so many knots in my back it's ridiculous.. it'd be nice to have someone take care of that at home, and not get kicked in the churchbells when you offer to give her one in return under the condition she strips for you while wearing thigh-high fishnet stockings.... or, you know, whatever..

MTV's "True Life" is proof people should be given random "Are You Stable Enough For This?" tests.. last night, there was an episode called "I'm In Debt".. okay, most people are, that's fine.. these people were thousands and thousands of dollars in debt, didn't go to school, had to move in with their parents and for the most part, worked only part-time jobs.. one girl got her paycheck, decided she had $126 in spending money for the next week and immediately spent $60 on "cigarettes, a hat and tanning".. smart move.. one girl had 11 credit cards.. i have one.. another declared bankruptcy at age 21, ruining her credit for at least 10 years.. not to be outdone, a few weeks ago there was an "I'm Addicted To Porn" episode.. this was as sad as it was comical.. one of the guys was married and had four kids but was forced to move out because the ol' ball and chain wasn't grooving on the hours of porn being viewed.. so he promised he'd quit but then was being taped watching porn and said he had to leave to take care of himself.. just what you want on national television.. another guy failed to show up to a job interview because he spent too much time at the sex shop.. then he went out to dinner with his family and told them that porn takes up most of his day.. how?? how does it take up most of your day??? the last person on the show (and probably most sane) was an actual pornstar.. at least she's getting paid to be addicted to porn..

ran a 5K this past Saturday to benefit disabled veterans in my hometown.. so that brings my race total in the past 8 months to four.. two 5K's, one 6K and one half-marathon relay.. for someone who hates running, i sure do a lot of it.. my music of choice during these races is Tim Mahoney, he's from Minneapolis and has played a lot in the St. Cloud, Rochester, Twin Cities areas.. his newest CD, "Stay/Leave" stayed in my car for three straight weeks when i bought it and i've recommended it to a lot of people.. if you like discovering lesser-known musical talent, i suggest buying it.. anyway, i get home from work today and i have an email from my sister inviting me to sign up for the Red River Run on July 25th.. at 8:00 in the morning, nonetheless.. i've finally boughten running shoes after running for months in basketball shoes, which is like running with winter boots on.. sometimes i'm the dumbest person i know..

i switched gyms last week.. i now am a member of Gold's.. two words: co-ed sauna..

i'm addicted to buying golf stuff.. last week alone i bought two golf shirts, a hat, balls, tees and seriously considered buying a $60 jacket.. everything i walk by in the golf section i feel i have a need for.. do i absolutely need a head cover that looks like an elephant? no, i probably could live without it (although it was pretty cute.. and that was one of the things i passed on).. this Saturday, i'll be at my brothers house near Rochester, who i've agreed to pay $100 for his driver and a pair of khaki golf pants.. hell, if i'm going to hit as many houses, sand traps and lakes as i do, i'm at least going to look good doing it..

how about that "Grey's Anatomy" season finale?? i didn't watch a second of it but people sure got fired up about it on Facebook.. speaking of doctors, answer this: if a chick has herpes, is there any chance of her getting pregnant without giving it to the dude? or the baby? not that it's a big concern of mine, some skank in Cosmo received her first kiss and herpes in the same night.. hey, go big or go home, right?

went to a movie on Saturday.. spent $11 on nachos and an ICEE.. are you fucking kidding me?? if i'm paying that much, someone better be feeding it to me while i lay on a hammock.. i usually destroy all the nachos by the end of the previews, like i haven't eaten in weeks.. the least they could do is give you enough cheese for all the chips.. if you're giving me a bag of chips, fill up the bigger section of the tray with the cheese.. or at least let me tell you when to stop.. not much pisses me off more than misjudging the amount of cheese i can allot for each chip, ending up eating about 20 chips plain at the end..

Chandler: "look at all that room on her side! you could fit a giant penguin over there..... that'd be weird though"..

Robert and i were watching TV late Saturday afternoon when we notice that "Coyote Ugly" is on Starz.. the following conversation ensues:

Robert: "did you know there is a topless sex scene in here?"
Me: "when?"
Robert: "when he makes her sing and stuff"
Me: "i don't believe you"
Robert: "there is! i saw it one night when i was going to sleep. i never thought there was either but i saw it. unless i was dreaming"
Me: "the main chick? that girl right there, with the giant mouth?"
Robert: "yes... she has nice boobs"
Me: "prove it"

so we watch for about a half hour, until the "topless sex scene" comes up.. things look promising for Robert when the guy on the movie asks her to explain how she feels when she has to sing in public and she says she gets really nervous and has to make him feel the same way.. then she starts taking clothes off.. then they start kissing.. then the camera sloooowly pans up the bed.... to the dude completely naked with just a blanket covering his lower half.. the chick is already at the piano dressed in something from Eskimos-R-Us..

Me (pissed): "are you fucking kidding me right now?"
Robert: "i saw it!!!"
Me: "well maybe it's still coming up" (sarcasm)
Robert: "i swear i saw it. it was right during that scene, i swear!"
Me: "i didn't know we lied to each other"

the moral of the story: Robert lies to his friends about topless sex scenes in movies that he actually only dreams about..


here's your Shawn Michaels update on the Playstation 3.. 40 wins and 1 loss (thanks to Robert and his inability to put his phone down when it's his match, despite my comments about him "getting his shit kicked right now").. even with Robert as my partner, we currently hold the Intercontinental, ECW and United States Championships and are a few wins away from the Hardcore Championship.. we've learned how to hit guys in the head with chairs and ladders and sticks that we can start on fire.. we're 25 years old.. also, Shawn Michaels intro music goes a little something like this:

Oooh, ooh Shawn
I think I'm cute
I know I'm sexy
I got the looks
That drive the girls wild
They see me walk
They hear me talk
I make 'em feel
Like they're on cloud 9
I'm just a sexy boy (sexxxxxy booooy)
I'm not your boy toy (booooy tooooy)

(that's probably enough for me to know off the top of my head)...


and the Text of the Day (since it happened today)

girl: so you were in my dreams last night
me: what was i doing?
girl: ... maybe something sexual
me: was i good?!?
girl: fuck yes
me: you're welcome
girl: haha, thanks for the dream orgasm... it's really the same as a live one...
(wow)..


Runner-up Text of the Week

roommate Mike: wanna go for a walk with me?


Men's Health Tips of the Week

Some women go out looking for sex. Here's how to find them and make it happen.

1. She's Chatting Up the Bartender
A flirtatious woman can hardly contain herself. She won't let a male waiter or bartender take her order without flashing a smile and saying something silly, like, "What can you make me that would be really yummy?"

2. She's Scanning the Room
When women go out to bond with friends, they have blinders on. If they're not looking around, don't bug them. But when they want to mingle, they'll be scanning for cute men. They may even sit facing the room instead of each other.

3. She's Playing Games
Darts, pool, pinball—women know this makes them easier to approach. That's why they do it. It's easy to get a man's attention when you're about to jab him in the ribs with a pool cue.

4. Her Drink is Big, Frozen, and Blue
She's ready to party, which means meeting new people and having a good time, not getting naked with the first guy who buys her another round. But sometimes it does mean getting naked with the first hot, cool guy who buys her another round.

5. She Sends You a Zoolander Eye Lock
And the eyebrow raise, and/or at least two smiles (full, open-lipped, teeth smiles). Go over there and talk to her already. Caveat: There's a small chance she just thinks you're funny looking, but go ahead, have some balls. She's worth it.

6. Her Pupils are Dilated
If she's feeling stimulated by you (not just sexually), her pupils will dilate. That's because her body is programmed to want to see more of whatever's exciting her, so her brain tells her irises to let in more light. Time to make your move.

7. She Lets You Get Close
As you flirt, stand or sit within 6 inches of her. If she seems unruffled, move closer. Eventually you want your thigh to be pressed against hers, whether you're standing or sitting. If she's into it, she won't back off.

8. She's a Chatterbox
If she leans forward when you're talking or asks you endless questions, the only way to shut her up is to kiss her.

9. She Uses Her Tongue
A make-out session is a prerequisite to any sexual proposition. Kiss her lips softly and note how intensely she's kissing back. You want the "I want to eat you alive" kind of kiss, not the sweet "I'm not a dirty girl" kind of kiss.

10. She's Wearing Thigh-High Stockings
Women only wear sexy underthings when they're expecting a man to see them. If she's wearing a thong, she's trying to avoid panty lines, but sex is on her mind, too. Anything black, red, pink, leopard print, or lace equals "I want you."


Her Biggest Secrets Revealed

By: Nicole Beland

1. She may like zombies, but she loves talking animals.
Women flash their guy-friendly facets early on, so you quickly learned about her passion for nachos, her George Romero movie collection, and her signature snowboarding trick. But every tough girl has her soft side. It won't be long before she suggests renting Madagascar and playing Scrabble on a Saturday night.

Give the cornball stuff a chance. As a mood booster, it's as effective as Prozac.

2. Her entourage knows all about you.
As hard as she might try—which probably isn't hard at all—a girl can't keep a new fling to herself. Early in a relationship, you dominate her life, so her friends are already calling and e-mailing for daily updates. If she were any less discreet, she'd have a blog with your name in the URL.

When you see one of her crew, ask how your stock is doing.

3. The worse she is at accepting compliments, the more she craves them.
A babe who barely blinks when you tell her she's beautiful knows she's hot, and your praise scarcely registers. On the other hand, a woman who blushes, looks away, or tells you you're crazy doesn't consider herself particularly pretty. To her, the words "You look gorgeous" are pure gold.

Say them often and watch her melt a little more every time.

4. That sex trick she says she's never done before? She has. Many times.
Women figure that even the most sensitive man likes to feel sexually dominant at first, so she'll downplay her carnal knowledge. In a couple of months, her real bedroom persona will rear its randy head.

Speed up the process by "accidentally" leaving two ties hanging from your bedposts.

5. She bought that outfit 4 hours ago.
It feels wrong to wear an old dress on a date with a new guy. Since she met you, this girl has blown more than $500 on looking good.

Taking careful note of her clothing—running your hands over a stretch of lace, fingering the bow on her bra, unzipping her knee-high boots—will make every penny well spent.

6. Half of her ecstatic moans are total b.s.
You could be stimulating every one of her erogenous zones, but the odds that she's having monster orgasms right off the bat are low. The majority of women are far too self-conscious at the beginning of a relationship to totally let go, so we fake it till we make it.

Don't worry; just last as long as you can.

7. Her job is more impressive than she lets on.
Don't believe her when she says her title isn't as VIP as it sounds. Women tend to be modest when it comes to work, in part because we don't base our self-worth entirely on our career status.

Talk up her career when introducing her to others, to give her the credit she deserves.

8. How she feels about you is written all over her face.
If she's into you, she'll grin like an idiot when you enter a room. If she stands up and walks toward you, she's downright smitten.

Unless you want her to curb her enthusiasm, respond in kind when she makes an entrance.

9. She's picturing what you'll look like in 10 years.
From your posture to your waistline, she's evaluating how well you're likely to age, especially if you're older than she is. She wants to make sure you aren't going to turn out like her beer-bellied, couch-potato dad.

Allay her fears by mentioning the adventure trips you've booked. Then maintain the body you'll need for them.

10. It takes her 20 minutes to write you a one-line e-mail.
Don't think that just because it's all in lowercase and there's one misspelled word, she shot off that e-mail without a thought. She's revising and reading it out loud until it seems pithy yet spontaneous.

Every time you shoot back an even wittier reply, you kick her lust meter up a notch.

11. Whatever you say will be held against you, eventually.
Early on, you might feel free to say all sorts of things about drugs you've tried, actresses you'd love to sleep with, or your buddy's bachelor party. She'll appear to take it in stride, but in fact she's storing the details for future fights.

Instead of censoring yourself, stump her with "If we can't be open with each other, what's the point of being in an intimate relationship?"

12. Refuse to tell a lie and she's sure to swoon.
Most people have flexible morals. They wouldn't steal anything, but they don't bother to correct a cashier if she hands back an extra $5 in change. Your date secretly hopes that you'll turn out to be as upstanding as Superman.

Casually and consistently do the right thing and she'll consider you a rare find.

13. She's gathering clues about your last girlfriend.
If she could, she would track your ex down and interview her about what you're like and why the two of you didn't work out. But she's not a psycho, so she waits for you to disclose tidbits that she can piece together.

It's simple: Don't talk about former flames.

14. She's judging you by your books.
The movies and albums you own tell a girl a lot about your personality, but it's the titles on your bookshelves that she's interested in. Back issues of Motor Trend and dog-eared Tom Clancy paperbacks won't win you any love.

You'll earn points for biographies, history, Eastern philosophy, and literary novels. It helps if you've actually read some of them.

15. She fears commitment, too.
She just doesn't realize it. Before long, she'll start nudging your relationship to the next level, because that's what women are trained to do from birth. Deep inside, she's just as unsure about what she wants and reluctant to give up her independence. That's why, when she finally is your girlfriend, she'll start freaking out.

Defuse her doubt-induced mood swings with a female tranquilizer, a.k.a. a bear hug.


41 Ways To Make a Woman Swoon

By: Nicole Beland

1. Ask her to dance.

2. On windy days, brush wayward strands of hair from her eyes and mouth.

3. When she's coming down the street, across the room, or up the stairs to meet you, walk toward her as soon as you see her.

4. Kiss her between her shoulder blades when she turns her back to you to go to sleep.

5. Put your arm around her when you introduce her to your friends and family.

6. Grasp her hand when a scantily dressed, beautiful woman walks by.

7. Call her when you're feeling sad.

8. Kiss her eyelids.

9. Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.

10. Wash her from head to toe in the shower.

11. If she's crying on the phone, go over to her place. Immediately.

12. Stand her naked on a sturdy chair and lick between her legs.

13. Occasionally call her by her first and middle names.

14. Buy her your favorite rock album of all time on vinyl.

15. Order coffee for her, remembering exactly how she likes it.

16. Undress her and put her to bed when she falls asleep in the car.

17. Mention your upcoming anniversary before she does.

18. Send her something in the mail. Anything.

19. When she's feeling insecure, stare into her eyes and tell her there is no one in the world who could be as right for you as she is.

20. Call her just before you get on the plane.

21. Pick her clothes up off the floor.

22. Try desperately to make her laugh when she's feeling down.

23. Take her to see your favorite sport live. Pay more attention to her than to the game.

24. Touch her arm when you leave the table to go to the bathroom. Touch her again when you come back.

25. Shave just before you see her. She'll notice.

26. Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard.

27. Worship her breasts.

28. Give her jewelry.

29. Hand her two towels when she gets out of the shower. (The second one is for her hair.)

30. Ask her specific questions about her work.

31. Keep her favorite cereal on hand.

32. In the middle of a conversation, tell her you love her.

33. Send her very expensive flowers when you screw up.

34. Take her to a cabin with a fireplace. Build her a fire.

35. Moan her name when she goes down on you.

36. Read her a story when it's her turn to drive during a long road trip.

37. Offer to fix something in her apartment that you realize is broken.

38. Notice when she's wearing something new.

39. Make love to her standing up, against a wall.

40. Kiss her hand in front of your most die-hard bachelor buddies.

41. If she's too stressed to want sex . . .
a) Draw a bath for her.
b) Give her a full-body massage.
c) Ask if she wants to wrestle.


Lyrics of the Week

"Song For Her" by Starting Line

Before I say too much
Please just know that I'm not obsessed
Or so nearly depressed, or anything like that
Please hear what I have to say
Cause I don't feel this way everyday
As a matter of fact
I've never had this feeling before
And I'd like to feel it more
So can I stare as you ascend the stairs?
Now are you aware
That I fell into your eyes
At first sight?

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go?

And I know it sounds absurd
And I know we've never spoke a word
And I know this must sound strange to you
But I just can't stop thinking of you

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go?

If you have a boyfriend
Then disregard everything
If you don't have a boyfriend
Then I meant every word I said
Every word I said...

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

Is it out of the question?
Is it in the cards?
For me to ask you this one question
Can we go, can we go out?

And there's one more thing
That I have to sing to you:
What's your name?


"A Goodnight's Sleep" by Starting Line

A better slumber
Was in your arms
spent tangled up in you

A sudden morning
Crashed in the room
With an uninvited sudden change in you

What can I say?
Where's that girl from last night
That slept on that side, and looked just like you do?

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That's screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am

For a lack of better
Words to say
All I said was goodnight
Once again, in self-defence
I wont sleep a wink
To prevent dreaming of you

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That's screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am

Sleep in your own bed tonight
I know some day that you will wake up as lonely as I am

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
Sleep away
A silent pain
That'screaming out my name

You can sleep in your own bed tonight
I hope for your sake you dont wake up as broken as I am

Sleep in your own bed tonight
I know some day that you will wake up as lonely as I am
Cuz fate works both ways
Cuz fate works both ways
Cuz fate works both ways
Sleep in your own bed


"Firecracker" by Ryan Adams

Black birds slow and softly breaks a glass of wine
Broken bluesy whisper sing to me tonight
Well, everybody wants to go forever
I just wanna burn up hard and bright
I just wanna be your firecracker
And maybe be your baby tonight
Maybe be your baby tonight

Lady, your kicks of silence soft into your room
Kiss me slow and softly make me dream of you
Well, everybody wants to go on forever
I just wanna burn up hard and bright
I just wanna be your firecracker
And maybe be your baby tonight
Maybe be your baby tonight

So when does the plane go down
'Cause I'm gonna ride it 'til it hits the ground
Then go out with a fight
'Cause I just wanna be your baby tonight


Crazy About You" by Ryan Adams

trust is a weird thing
make you crazy
make you jealous
make you wish you hadn't said a thing

and i guess i have been mean
but i'm only second guessing you
cause you won't even let me through

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you

and love is a wonderful thing
make you wanna
make you need to
make you wish you hadn't said a thing

baby i have been mean
but i'm only second guessing you
cause you won't even let me through

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you

baby i want you
honey i need you
i know you want to
i can feel you

and i want to be happy
and i only want you
if you think that i'm crazy
i'm just crazy 'bout you
crazy 'bout you


"Until The Day I Die" by Story Of The Year

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you

As years go by
I race the clock with you
But if you died right now
You know that I'd die to
I'd die too

You remind me of the times
When I knew who I was (When I knew who I was)
But still the second hand will catch us
Like it always does.

Well make the same mistakes
I'll Take the fall for you
I hope you need this now
cuz I know I still do.

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Should I bite my tongue
Until blood soaks my shirt?
We'll never fall apart
so Tell me why this hurts so much

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
But still we'll say, "remember when"
Just like we always do, just like we always do

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you
Yeah I'd spill my heart
Yeah I'd spill my heart, for you

My hands are at your throat
And I think I hate you
We made the same mistakes
mistakes like friends do,
my hands are at your throat
and I think I hate you
we made the same mistakes.

Until the day I die
I'll spill my heart for you, for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you, for you
Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
I'll spill my heart for you

Until the day I die (Until the day I die)
Until the day I die


"Echo" by Vertical Horizon

Echo, echo...
We come, and we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

Everywhere I go
There's something that I really need
Everyone I know
Is someone I want to be
Even though
I don't really know me

I better pick it up
Before I let it slip away
I better stick it out
Before I take another day
Into mouth
Every single word I say fades out

Echo, echo...
We come, and we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

Can I open up your eyes?
Only when the clouds break?
Can I feel alive?
Even though the world shakes
Every night,
Here in my quiet satellite

Can I hold you close?
Until we're out of focus
And everything I know
I don't even notice
When it all falls through
I'm here and I hear you

Echo, echo...
We come, and we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

Do you hear me?
Do you hear me?
Cause I need to, just to reach you
Can you hear me?
Coming clearly?
Am I hollow?
Just an echo

Echo, echo...
We come, and we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...
Echo, echo...
We come, we go-woah
No I don't want to be just another
Echo, echo...

It's just another day
And every single word I say fades out...


"Deep Inside Of You" by Third Eye Blind

When we met light was shed
Thoughts free flow you said
You’ve got
Somethin’
Deep inside of you

A wind chime voice sounds
Sway of your hips ‘round rings true
It goes deep inside of you

These secret garden beams
Changed my life so it seems

A Fall breeze blows outside
I don’t break stride
Thoughts are warm
And they go deep inside of you

Oh yeah
And I never felt alone
Alright
Ohhh ohhh ‘til I met you

Friends say I’ve changed
I don’t listen
‘Cause I live to be
Deep inside of you

Slide up her dress
Shouts in darkness
I’m so alive
I’m deep inside of you

You said boy made girl feel good
But still
Deep inside still

I never felt alone
‘Til I met you
I’m alright on my own
And then I met you
And I’d know what to do if I just knew what’s comin’

I would change myself if I could
I would walk with my people if I could find ‘em
And I’d say that I’m sorry to you
I’m sorry to you
And I don’t wanna call you
But then I wanna to call you
‘Cause I don’t wanna crush you
But I feel like crushin’ you
And it’s true
I took for granted you were with me
I breathe by your looks and you look right through me

(We were broke and) didn’t know

And we were broke and didn’t know (3x)

Right
Ohhh that’s right
Ohhh

Somethin’s gone
You withdraw
And I’m not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare at a ghost
Deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed

I’ve lost myself there’s nothin’ left
It’s all gone

Deep inside of you


"Jumper" by Third Eye Blind

I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

The angry boy, a bit too insane
Icing over a secret pain
You know you don't belong
You're the first to fight
You're way too loud
You're the flash of light
On a burial shroud
I know something's wrong

Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say

Put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand

Well, he's on the table
And he's gone to code
And I do not think anyone knows
What they are doing here
And your friends have left
You've been dismissed
I never thought it would come to this
And I
I want you to know

Everyone's got to face down the demons
Maybe today

We can put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
You could cut ties with all the lies
That you've been living in
And if you do not want to see me again
I would understand
I would understand
I would understand

Can you put the past away
I wish you would step back from that ledge, my friend
I would understand...


"What A Beautiful Day" by Chris Cagle

Day one
I stumbled through hello on 5th avenue
Day two
We grabbed a bite to eat and talked all afternoon
Caught a movie on day 14
And day 67 she said, "I love you" to me

Oh what a feeling
What a wonderful emotion
Yeah what a life
Counting my blessings and knowing
Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way
She had a chance to leave but chose to stay
What a beautiful day
What a beautiful day

Day 116
I asked her what she was doing for the rest of my life
Day 189
Oh I almost lost that girl to my foolish pride
She said, "I do" on day 482
And gave me a son on day 761

Oh what a feeling
What a wonderful emotion
Yeah what a life
Counting my blessings and knowing
Ooh we had our ups and downs all along the way
She had a chance to leave but chose to stay
What a beautiful day
What a beautiful day

Day 18,253
Well honey, that's fifty years
Yeah, here's to you and me

Day one
I thank God I said hello on 5th avenue


"Promiscuous Girl" by Nelly and Timbaland

N: Am i throwin' you off?
Nope
N: Didn’t think so

How you doin’ young lady
The feeling that youre giving really drives me crazy
You don’t have to play about the joke
I was lost with the words first time that we spoke

N:If you looking for a girl that’ll treat you right
If you lookin’ for her in the day time with the light

You might be the type if I play my cards right
I'll find out by the end of the night

N: You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you git it

All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What’s the problem I don’t see no ring on your hand

I be the first to admit it, I’m curious about you, you seem so innocent

N: You wanna get in my world, get lost in it
Boy I’m tired of running, lets walk for a minute

Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
Im' all alone
And it's you that I want

N: Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?

Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous boy
Let's get to the point
Cause we're on a roll
Are you ready?

N: Roses are red
Some diamonds are blue
Chivalry is dead,
But you're still kinda cute

Hey! I can't keep my mind off you
who you with, do you mind if I come through

N: I’m out of this world come with me to my planet
Get you on my level do you think that you can handle it?

They call me Thomas
last name Crown
Recognize game
I'm a lay mine's down

N: I'm a big girl I can handle myself
But if I get lonely I’ma need your help
Pay attention to me I don't talk for my health

I want you on my team
N: So does everybody else.
*shit*

Baby we can keep it on the low
Let your guard down ain’t nobody gotta know
If you with it girl I know a place we can go

N: What kind of girl do you take me for?

Promiscuous girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And it's you that I want

N: Promiscuous boy
You already know
That I’m all yours
What you waiting for?

Promiscuous girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous boy
Let's get to the point
Cause we're on a roll
Are you ready?

Don't be mad, don't get mean
N: Don't get mad, don't be mean

Hey! Don't be mad, don't get mean
N: Don't get mad, don't be mean

Wait! I don't mean no harm
I can see you with my t-shirt on

N: I can see you with nothing on
feeling on me before you bring that on

Bring that on?
N: You know what I mean

Girl, I’m a freak you shouldn't say those things

N: I’m only trying to get inside your brain
To see if you can work me the way you say

It's okay, it's alright
I got something that you gon' like

N: Hey is that the truth or are you talking trash
Is your game M.V.P. like Steve Nash

Promiscuous Girl
Wherever you are
I’m all alone
And its you that I want

N: Promiscuous Boy
I'm calling your name
But you're driving me crazy
The way you're making me wait

Promiscuous Girl
You're teasing me
You know what I want
And I got what you need

N: Promiscuous Boy
We're one in the same
So we don't gotta play games no more
eh o ey o (carry on doing that)

sitting, waiting, wishing..

this post is being co-brought to you by athletes with their backs against the wall and giving 110%, and the 13-year-old girl i saw with "Juicy" written on her backside.. good luck with that pregnancy next year..

the worst website on the internet is WebMD.. here's why: you're always dying.. they'll ask for your symptoms, so you put in "headache" or whatever, you're directed to websites about brain cancer.. especially if you're a hypochondriac, this site does no good at all.. i've been convinced that i've had diabetes and lung cancer because of WebMD.. i'll confess that i have a little hypochondria in me, if something feels wrong i immediately think the worst.. it's shitty, and this website doesn't help matters.. i'll probably have ovarian cysts next week.. can't wait..

on the medical topic, i think doctors shouldn't be allowed to be doctors if they act like it's the last place they want to be.. i know they have to see a large amount of patients in a day but if it's that bad, hire more doctors.. more the amount of money it costs (and that doctors get paid), they should be given an adequate amount of time to figure out what's going on.. i've actually been to one doctor where i've said "this is what i feel, what do you think that is?".. he said, "i don't know" with some sort of bored look on his face.. and that was it.. glad all that schooling paid off.. they should be friendly and willing to figure out, i'm sure that's in the job description somewhere.. plus, it's not like they should be in a hurry.. doctors make enough money where they can Tivo "House" or "Grey's Anatomy" or whatever the hell they want to watch..

here's something i do: if i'm wanting to checkout at a store and one line is pretty long with a hot checkout girl and another line is shorter with an unattractive girl, i'm gonna stand in the hot girl line.. i'm fairly sure most guys do this.. it gives me more time to look at her, and more time to come up with something witty to say.. this worked to perfection at the liquor store last weekend.. racked-out blonde chick working one counter helping a customer, two dudes working at other counters with nobody in their lines.. so i stall, looking at wines (classier than looking at vodkas) and then jump into her line.. i ask her whether she likes white or red wines (so money, i don't even know it), she made something up to impress me, and i looked at her butt when she turned to get my change (which i'm sure she knew, with the pants she was wearing).. this is what guys do..

Denard Span just tripled in two runs for the Twins and i clapped.. he's currently my favorite Twin..

a few weeks ago, one of my roommates had a day off work and was watching "The Price Is Right" when i was getting ready for work.. i almost had to call in sick.. it's so addicting.. although, i think the people that they have sitting in the front row are actors.. they get so fired up when someone wins that bidding thing to go play a game.. no one can be that excited for a stranger to meet Drew Carey and have a chance to win a Grandfather clock.. i love when it takes the elderly woman 16 tries to get the wheel around a full time, getting closer to nose-diving every time.. and since she barely gets it around, the one time she does she lands on the $1 spot and gets a chance to win a speedboat and spring break trip to Mexico in the Showcase Showdown.. i've had the theme song stuck in my head every since.. it's not the same since Drew took over for Bob Barker, mainly because every show was a sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.. you know he had cameras in the dressing rooms of his "beauties" or whatever the fuck he called them.. i miss Bob..

Dave Letterman asks a good question: has Fabio every done anything since he got hit in the head with that goose while on that roller coaster? or before that?

Robert and i played about 5 hours of Playstation 3 on Saturday night.. first a few games of hockey, then he and i won the Intercontinental Championship with Shawn Michaels.. i told everyone at work this on Monday.. our goal was to make every opponent bleed from the head before we won.. then we went to bed at 3 a.m.. very drunk..

clumsiness is an underrated "cute" trait in girls.. i'm not saying someone who falls down steps on a daily basis and is an absolute train wreck, but a lot of the little things are cute, especially if they can laugh at themselves.. i remember one time being at a movie with a girl who was walking a little bit in front of me.. she turned to looked at me with a flirty smile and rolled her foot out of her shoe.. which, in her defense, were of the platform variety.. maybe it was the flirty look that made it cute, or the fact that she was wearing a skirt, but the fact that i've remembered it this long obviously says something.. some girls can be cute doing absolutely nothing.. those girls are my favorite..

when i start a band, i'm calling it "Accidental Grindage"..

the Twins bullpen just gave up two home runs to give the lead back to Detroit.. other than Joe Nathan, the pitchers in the bullpen are my least favorite players.. now something called "R.A. Dickey" is pitching.. anytime someone with a name sounding like an erectile disease or birthday party clown is pitching, i tend to lose hope for the squads chances.. but i just heard the phrase "Dickey gets the job done" and made an x-rated joke in my head, so i was a little premature (insert your own x-rated joke here)..

i'm happy it's finally warm enough to sleep in my underwear and topless again.. it feels more natural.. also, my pajama pants are still hidden somewhere in the house..

i'm admittedly not very smart politically but i read something recently that made a ton of sense to me.. according to what i read, there are currently 40 million people over age 50 who are working in the United States.. if we gave all of them $1 million, with the stipulations being that they retired and bought a new car with that money, here's what would happen: 40 million jobs would be available, obviously improving unemployment.. 40 million new cars would be sold, obviously helping the automobile industry.. the government would spend only $40 million, rather than the billions of dollars currently being spent to fix the economy.. also, many of these people would probably buy new houses and boats and take a vacation, helping real estate and tourism, etc.. i know most people are smarter than me about stuff like this and would probably have an argument as to why this couldn't ever work, but on the surface to someone as politically inept as i am, this sounds a hell of a lot better than what we're doing now.. (editors note: it was pointed out to me that the person who wrote this plan and myself were a little off with our math.. it wouldn't be $40 million, it would be $40 trillion, which is a slight difference.. that's why this wouldn't work but i'll leave my original opinion for you to enjoy.. it made sense when it browsed it half drunk one night and wrote it last night.. don't believe everything you read on the internet)..


girls, i know sometimes you wonder what you should wear.. here is my fashion advice to you.. girls look hottest wearing:

1) nothing (obviously)
2) a skirt (a recent event moved this higher on my list than previously)
3) anything Victoria's Secret (maybe 1 and 3 aren't for nights out)
4) jeans (especially ones that make your butt look ridiculous)
5) those stretchy white tank top things (i think they're illegal in 32 states)
6) comfy stuff (hooded sweatshirt, no/light makeup, bed hair, etc.)
7) anything i own
8) reading glasses (bonus points if you're reading)
9) anything supporting our favorite sports teams

here's what you shouldn't wear:

1) anything that makes you say the phrase "do i look fat in this?"
2) anything that could be described as "frumpy"

(Jason Kubel just hit a pinch-hit two run bomb to tie the game.. hopefully "R.A. Dickey" is on a plane to Rochester and unavailable to pitch next inning.. or warmup a bat boy or something)..


here are some things i wish girls knew:

- most of the guys i've talked to share this view: we like having space when we fall asleep.. the cuddling thing is fine for a while but when it's time to actually sleep, go your separate ways.. i think most girls feel this way as well, unless the relationship has lasted a long time and you're both used to it.. eventually you'll find your way to each other in the middle of the night anyway..

- if we really like you, we get butterflies when we see you, especially right away..

- when we make fun of our guy friends for talking on the phone with a girl, we're really just jealous..

- being sick turns us into the biggest pussies..

- dirty texts are fucking awesome.. it takes every muscle in our body to stop us from showing all our friends..

- if our friends like you, you're 13 times more attractive to us..

- anytime you turn around, we look at your butt.. Super Bowl, World Series, Final Four, Tiger putting for the win?? they have nothing on your ass..

- a guys night out doesn't consist of ogling hot girls.. it consists of beer, sports, mom jokes, dirty jokes, dirty mom jokes, and thinking about what you're doing..

- almost every song makes us think about you..

- we're scared shitless of meeting your parents.. we're more scared of meeting your friends.. (parents liking us could work against us, friends liking us is absolutely mandatory)..

- you should be more aggressive.. you know what i mean..

- shopping for you is like golf for us.. only tell us about buying your 27th purse if you want to hear about our double bogey on 11.. and the $79.99 we spent on the golf jacket we might wear three times a year..

- umm, those noises you make when we're doing things? we want those to be our ring tone.. and wedding song..

- seeing you get jealous is another one of those "cute" things..

- being skinny isn't as important as caring about your body.. an average-sized girl who works out is 1,000 times hotter than skeleton who just doesn't eat..

- sometimes we'll stay awake intentionally to watch you sleep..

- when you hold/play with babies, you're auditioning to be our future baby mama..

- you knowing about sports? SUPER hot.. you knowing more about sports than us? SUPER depressing..

- if we don't want to talk about something, don't bug us about it.. we'll talk when and if we want to.. guys are more "thinkers" and less "talkers".. nothing against you, we just think we can handle it ourselves, whether we're right or wrong.. however, we like helping you, so ask our opinion..

- if a guy has cheated on you or "isn't sure what he wants", he'll never change and he's waiting for something better.. if you think that's what you deserve, hang around..

- we couldn't care less about your friends relationship problems.. we're busy trying to not piss you off..

- arguing isn't always bad.. always agreeing is..

- you have a mole on your inner thigh.. we could find it blindfolded..

- if a guy hits on you and we see them do it, we're willing to place his beanbag in a vice and tighten it slowly until things pop.. we're also confident the jury would understand..

- reading Men's Health makes us feel healthy.. even if we're doing so while eating an entire bag of Twizzlers..

- if you smile, we can't not smile..

(editor's note: Joe Crede just ended the game with a walkoff grand slam in the 13th inning after being down one run.. i fucking love the Twins)..


Lyrics of the Week

"Anyone, Anyone" by Dashboard Confessional

I'm not sure of
Anyone, Anyone
But I've got plans
I'm not asking
For everything
But sure I could
Use a hand

Get a little anxious
Sometimes you'll be gone
And I'll be left behind
Get a little nervous
Sometimes it'll be my turn
And I'll forget my lines
Get a little lost look
And some staring from
The corner of my eye
Never really mastered
Disinterest

I can't see how
The way you leave me alone
Makes us close
I must be out of touch
I won't ask you
To give up on the things
That seem to keep you gone
But I can be gone too

Feel a little sorry
Sometimes you're not here
When I am writing
Feels a little awkward
Sometimes you won't talk
But we're not fighting
You hold onto your secrets
And I'm not privy
To what is on your mind
I can't help but feel tired
So tired
So tired


"A Plain Morning" by Dashboard Confessional

It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.

It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier.
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)

I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)

But it's warmer where you're waiting.
It feels more like July.
There's pillows in their cases,
and one of those is mine.
And you wrote the words "I love you",
and sprayed it with perfume.
It's better than the fire is
to heat this lonely room.
It's warmer where you're waiting
It feels more like July.
It feels more like July.

It's yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
and my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
and I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there's parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
and it feels like.

It's colder than it ought to be in March
and I still got a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier. (easier)
It doesn't make it easier to be away.(to be away)

I'd like to hire a plane.(a plane)
I'd see you in the morning, (morning)
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again. (I'm coming home again)
Coming home again. (again)
Coming home again. (again)
When the day is fresh,
I'm coming home again.(I'm coming home again)


"She's Everything" by Brad Paisley

She's a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She's I want a piece of chocolate
Take me to a movie
She's I can't find a thing to wear
Now and then she's moody

She's a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a-blowin
She's a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She's a warm conversation
That I wouldn't miss for nothing
She's a fighter when she's mad
And she's a lover when she's loving

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
I talk about her, I go on and on and on
because she's everything to me

She's a Saturday out on the town
And a church girl on Sunday
She's a cross around her neck
And a cuss word 'cause its Monday
She's a bubble bath and candles
Baby come and kiss me
She's a one glass of wine
And she's feeling kinda tipsy

She's the giver I wish I could be
And the stealer of the covers
She's a picture in my wallet
My unborn children's mother
She's the hand that I'm holding
When I'm on my knees and praying
She's the answer to my prayer
And she's the song that I'm playing

She's the voice I love to hear
Someday when I'm ninety
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes
I only love her more
Yeah, she's the one
That I'd lay down my own life for

And she's everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah she's everything to me

Everything I ever wanted
And everything I need
She's everything to me
Yeah shes everything to me
everything to me


"Pretty Girl (The Way)" by Sugarcult

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out what his intentions were about
That's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

She's beautiful as usual with bruises on her ego and
Her killer instinct tells her to beware of evil men
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head
And that's what you get for falling again
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love

Pretty girl, pretty girl

Pretty girl is suffering, while he confesses everything
Pretty soon she'll figure out
You can never get 'em out of your head

It's the way
That he makes you cry
It's the way
That he in your mind
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love

It's the way
That he makes you feel
It's the way
That he kisses you
It's the way
That he makes you fall in love
Love


"Only One" by Yellowcard

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason

I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone

And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you
You are my only my only one

Here I go so dishonestly
Leave a note for you my only one
And I know you can see right through me
So let me go and you will find someone

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one, no one like you
You are my only, my only one
My only one
My only one
My only one
You are my only, my only one


"Time To Go" by Jason Fioto

You never meant to stay
You always walk away from everything
And did you stop to see what was going on
You build walls around you every time
You’ve been running round in circles
You’ve been blaming everyone

But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know

You went to find yourself
But you never looked behind to see what you left
And did you stop to change the world
What are you looking for
Did you find your pearl
Don’t you think that oh you’re the only one
Who believed in what they said

But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know

Now I know what you’re feeling
Tell me that with all your reasons
Too waste tomorrow, it makes it alright
Now don’t look the other
When are you gonna stay
For just one day

But it’s time to go
Cause you’ve been around for so long
Now don’t be a fool just let it go
It’s never too late, oh I know


"Look Away" by Chicago

When you called me up this morning,
told me 'bout the new love you found,
I said "I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you."
Found someone else,
I guess I won't be coming 'round.
I guess it's over, baby;
it's really over, baby, whoa...
And from what you said
I know you've gotten over me;
it'll never be the way it used to be.
So if it's gotta be this way,
don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay.

But if you see me walking by,
and the tears are in my eyes,
look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
and I don't know what to say,
look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.

When we both agreed as lovers,
we were better off as friends,
that's how it had to be,
yeah, that's how it had to be.
I tell you I'm fine
but sometimes I just pretend;
wish you were holding me,
wish you were still holding me, whoa...
I just never thought,
that I would be replaced so soon;
I wasn't prepared to hear those words from you.
I know I wanted to be free;
yeah, baby, this is how we wanted it to be.

But if you see me walking by,
and the tears are in my eyes,
look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the streets someday,
and I don't know what to say,
look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me;
I don't want you to see me this way.

When you called me up this morning,
told me 'bout the new love you found.
I said "I'm happy for you,
I'm really happy for you."


"Head On Straight" by Tonic

I don't wanna be the one who hurts you
I don't wanna be the one who fails
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again

I struggled all my life with empty moments
The shadow of a hole I never filled
Any happiness I had was empty
It wasn't good enough
I wanted love

I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again

I don't wanna think of life without you
I don't wanna take a step alone
It scares me to think I almost lost you
Just let me know you're fine
I'm on the line

I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
I'm thinking of my whole life, baby
Won't you help me find the way
I'm thinking of my whole life, baby
Won't you help me find my way

I don't wanna be the one who hurts you
I just wanna know that you're alright

I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
I'm keeping my head on straight
So you can trust me again
You can trust me again
Trust me again