screaming infidelities..

this post is being co-brought to you by Charles Barkley's golf swing and "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon"..

i ended up being offered that position at my work that i mentioned a couple posts ago.. consequently, i may not be able to blog as often as i'd like.. i'll still do it as much as i'm able to though.. be patient!!

Text of the Week: "Thank you for serving in Vietnam but you still need to drive the speed limit and use your blinker".. from my roommate, Mike..

another roommate, Robert, likes to inform me every morning about the events of "Little House on the Prairie".. here are some i remember: Pa appears that he wants to nail the hot maid but doesn't, someone had typhoid like back on "Oregon Trail", some bad guys came into town and were stealing lumber and the daughter needed help with her math homework.. he gets pretty fired up about it and it's entertaining..

another roommate, Josh, just walked into my room and sang "How Do I Live Without You" by Whitney Houston to me..

Robert and i spent last weekend in Minneapolis at the home of an ex-roommate.. here are a few highlights:

- at a Japanese restaurant/bar (Moto i?) a 20-something year old girl was making out with a 40-something year old man.. two other young females were sitting with an older man at another table.. i'm guessing money was exchanged between a number of them throughout the night, or else i didn't really understand what was happening..

- at Stella's, we encountered a reunion of my high school.. it felt like the Keller at the Red Carpet, only classier.

- a bar called William's serves hot dogs in the corner of the bar.. probably the smartest idea i've ever heard.. i demolished two..

- when we got home on Friday night, we ordered pizza at 3 a.m. and played Guitar Hero: Legends of Rock with the microphone, drums and guitar.. Robert is the worst drummer in history and i sound almost exactly like Gwen Stefani when i'm drunk..

- we walked to breakfast the next morning and i had 3 of the world's most unbelievable pancakes.. the crowd was diverse and entertaining to watch.. also, the hand dryer in the bathroom was powered by a jet engine.. there was also a gentleman playing live music over the loud speaker who Robert described as a "young Hank Williams".. he's funny when we're still drunk in the morning..

- went back to ex-roommates place, took a nap and watched the NCAA tournament, an emphasis on the napping part.. needed to recharge for the night..

- we ate at a place called Buster's and they served all kinda of exotic beers.. i tried something called "Old Speckled Hen" and immediately regretted it.. i'll be sticking to American beer, thank you very much.. also, the waitress spilled her tray full of beverages "for the first time since her first day serving".. always comical..

- went to the apartment of a few guys we went to high school with and played drinking games.. some idiot kept giving me drinks and looking at me weird, so i felt good when i had the opportunity to give 10 drinks and threw my card at him.. i also felt good when we went to the bar at 11:00 and he was passed out.. but first, a story about a hot girl.. they live next to a few girls, one of which came over unannounced to see what was going on.. she immediately sat down on one of our friends laps, who is married and she's never met before.. she finally asked him if he was dating any of the girls in the room and he said "no, my wife is in San Diego".. classic.. she apologized and walked over to me and introduced herself.. then she said she liked my hat (i was wearing my cab driver hat) and asked if i was into fashion.. i said no, that i just liked dressing good.. she said i looked cute, then walked back to her apartment.. eventually, one of the guys who lived there went over to their apartment and came back saying that she was talking about one of the guys.. so a couple more people went over to do research.. Robert asked if she was talking about the married guy, and she said something like "oh yeah, i like him", so he came back and said it was him.. i was bummed out.. but then the guy who originally had gone over there said that wasn't true because he had asked her if it was the guy who's lap she sat on, and she said "no, he was sitting on the couch".. I WAS SITTING ON THE COUCH!! :) anyway, the story doesn't end with her and i doing sex things because her and her roommates went downtown and our crew went into uptown.. so close, huh?

- at Stella's again, some girl runs by, steals my hat and puts one of those rabbit peeps in there and gives it back.. i didn't really understand it, maybe it was some sort of "magic trick?"

- we end the night and weekend with another round of pizza and Guitar Hero.. very enjoyable time.. Robert nearly kills us on the ride home because my sleeping bag was "in his blind spot"..


went out in St. Joe last night, with times being approximate but events being true and clouded with alcohol, here's the running diary:

9:00 p.m.: arrive at the La Playette, immediately take Jag Bomb and picture..

9:01 p.m.: notice a hot blonde girl that i'm fairly sure i went to college with.. Ryan, the friend i'm with, calls dibs on her.. i abide by the "bro's before ho's" rule and make her off limits, like it was my decision..

9:10 p.m.: the Wild are winning 1 to 0.. cool..

9:15 p.m.: decide that my parking spot in front of the pizza place across the street is questionable at best so i move my car behind the bar to avoid drunks peeing in my gas tank and breaking the windows to sleep in my back seat..

9:16 p.m.: Wild are losing 2 to 1.. cool.. also, soccer is on tv so i keep my eyes peeled for fans shooting players.. a player gets injured and the time still runs.. i'll never understand that..

9:20 p.m.: Water Moccasin shots.. two shots in 20 minutes.. decide that i'm probably not driving anywhere tonight..

9:30 p.m.: Ryan takes over the juke box for the next 12 songs.. the old hillbillies in the bar aren't fond of the selection.. we make fun of their cowboy hats with each other..

9:45 to 10:45 p.m.: we play pool and drink alcohol and discuss girl situations.. we also take shots of Rumpleminz (the cute bartender girls favorite shot).. we tell her it's her turn to shoot on the pool table and she sinks a difficult shot to win the game for me, despite the fact that she scratched.. we were playing Mexican Indoor rules..

10:45 to 11:00 p.m.: the bartender girl tells us her roommate said she wasn't a good match for the guy she is kinda seeing because "his last girlfriend was hot".. girls are awesome.. also, she said her perfect guy would be Seth from "The O.C.".. i casually point out that my sister says my personality is exactly like his, although i've never watched the show to see if that's accurate.. i'll trust her, she knows me fairly well..

11:05 p.m.: shots of tequila.. i mistakenly mention that i don't think i've ever had a shot of tequila, so Ryan's shot becomes mine.. to avoid an uncomfortable moment, i lick the salt off cute bartender girl and she licks the salt off Ryan.. it burned on the way down..

11:10 p.m.: Ryan and i get caught looking at this girl who's wearing her shirt tied just below her breasts and with a giant tramp stamp tattoo on her lower back.. apparently some guy is there with her and calls us out on it, so we go over to him to diffuse the situation.. we find out he's 29 years old and his plan is to retire in 10 years and open a fraternity? after telling the slutty dressed girl that her "pants would look better on his floor" (original), she flicks him off but eventually makes out with him..

11:25 p.m.: one of Ryan's college buddies proudly tells us he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever had until his current fiancee.. that'll probably last..

11:35 p.m.: another guy tells us a story about the previous night, where he went to sleep drunk and woke up fingering his fiancee.. then the next thing he remembers was having sex with her.. doesn't remember how it started.. those are fun stories..

11:45 p.m.: Ryan and i are suddenly in the middle of three girls that i haven't seen yet.. one was super hot but clearly high-maintenance and full of herself.. i decide i want to make out with the girl on my right.. i go do research to find out her name..

11:48 p.m.: one of Ryan's buddies says he knows her but doesn't know her name.. but he'll find out for me.. he's in the middle of a conversation with a girl so i decide not to hold my breath..

12:00 a.m.: tequila shot hits me..

12:03 a.m.: wow..

12:05 a.m.: yikes.. (didn't puke, streak is still alive)..

12:10 a.m.: end up at another bar, absolutely no recollection of walking there..

12:15 a.m.: Ryan is chatting up a super hot blonde girl who has a boyfriend.. she tells him naughty things.. i make pact with myself to start hitting the gym more religiously so girls say naughty things to me..

12:30 a.m.: apparently the tradition at this bar is, at the end of the night when they play "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond, everyone stands in a circle and the guys pull their pants down and stand in their boxers? seems like a good idea..

12:45 a.m.: i have no idea..

1:00 a.m.: get ushered to the door, apparently this is the one city in America where the bars still close at 1:00.. i'm actually not upset because i can't see anymore..

1:10 a.m.: Ryan and i end up at the home of the hot girl who has a boyfriend and wants Ryan, and another hot girl.. promising..

1:15 a.m.: seems like a good time to change a light bulb, so i climb the chair and get to work.. the other hot girl thinks it's necessary to hold me by touching my stomach the entire time.. meanwhile, i'm fighting the cover of the light bulb until it explodes in my hand, shooting glass everywhere except in my eyes..

1:20 a.m.: girl lost her phone, walks back to the bar to get it.. Ryan and i also go.. maybe other people too?

1:35 a.m.: get back to their place, super hot girl's boyfriend is there and another dude who we didn't know.. hot girl and her boyfriend go into the bathroom and fight for an hour, not the smartest place to hold that discussion with people who need to pee every 11 minutes..

1:50 a.m.: look outside door, see headlights parked down street.. go back upstairs for a minute.. come back down, headlights are gone.. pee..

2:00 a.m.: girl that was touching my stomach went into her room with random dude that showed up.. hear sex noises.. not sure if they're coming from the bathroom or bedroom.. decide not to investigate..

2:10 a.m.: pee outside again.. right as i close the door to go back inside, a police truck drives by.. congratulate myself for narrowly avoiding a "urinating in public" citation..

2:25 a.m.: some other guy enters the place and says "hey babe, let me in".. door opens, probably the bedroom of the girl who's housing the random dude.. she surprised to see him, thinking he's outside, not outside her bedroom.. i hope for a fistfight.. doesn't happen..

2:30 a.m.: Ryan snoring on other couch.. contemplate throwing shoe at him to shut him up..

2:35 a.m.: hot girl exits the bathroom, makes eye contact with me and giggles.. not sure what that means..

2:40 a.m.: fall asleep with shoes on..

6:30 a.m.: wake up, do the "where the fuck am i?" look for 10 seconds.. check pockets for everything i should have.. check phone for embarrassing drunk texts.. satisfied, i walk to my car and drive to my parents house, singing Neil Sedaka songs..

6:40 a.m.: my mom is going for a walk and i pass her on the road.. our sleep schedules are so opposite, i wonder if i'm adopted..

6:43 a.m.: Mom walks in from her walk.. i hug her cause she has chili in the crock pot.. luckily my sister is at her boyfriends so i have a bed to sleep in.. tell Mom to wake me up for lunch.. wonder if i'm still legally drunk..

beautiful wreck..

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