Monday, September 29, 2008

soco amaretto lime..

this post is being brought to you by the Jets throwback uniforms, guys who mow their lawn at 7:00 a.m. on the weekends, old guys who blow snot into hankerchiefs and put it back in their pocket, and this guy (explicit lyrics): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvjDr8KKtsE

went to my cousins wedding this past weekend.. it's safe to say a wedding is the one of very few venues you'll be informed by a distant relative that they were once dumped for urinating on the wall of the girls' aunts house, as well as asked to help text someone because they're too drunk.. happens to the best of us..

received this email from my brother late last week:

D, so I'm wondering when it happened that you no longer show me any love. No more e-mails about the Vikes... the Twins unbelievable surge towards the top, the latest and greatest gossip from the world of sports...nothing.

I'm lonely.

B


that same brother was at the wedding this past weekend.. his wife and his two girls didn't come because his oldest daughter (7 years) had a soccer game and has been going all Mia Hamm on opponents recently and didn't want to skip the game.. we got into a discussion about which of his girls were a "daddy's girl" or a "mama's girl".. his older daughter is a complete daddy's girl but his youngest (3 years) will change back and forth due to the time of the day or the situation.. in the morning or if there's a thunderstorm, she wants mom.. in the evening/night or if she hurts herself, she wants dad.. and every night when she's going to sleep, she asks her dad "is it gonna thunder?" and he can say "no, it's not going to thunder" a million times but she won't stop asking until he says "no, the weatherman said it's not going to thunder".. then she'll say "after you change, come back and sit" and he hasn't once come back because she's always asleep when he checks.. i think the little things like that are super cute and another reason why i'd lean towards having a daughter over a son.. just something about the father/daughter relationship seems different than anything else..

our family visited them last year and i had recently bought Rollerblades.. so my sister and i brought them with and one night we went out and i was thinking i was all rockstar.. until we came to a hill, it wasn't even big but we had to turn right about halfway down it and i was unaware of this until it was too late and i hadn't yet mastered the braking aspect of rollerblading.. so instead of going all the way down the hill into a culdesac, i get my Kristi Yamaguchi/Scott Hamilton on and attempted a triple axle, double toe loop going about 20 mph.. needless to say, that didn't end well, since it ended with me picking tar out of my elbow.. at least those teenage girls were there to witness it all.. the hardest thing about rollerblading is telling your parents you're gay, copyright Daniel Tosh..

when my twin sister would have a friend sleep over from first grade through fifth grade, that girl would always become my girlfriend with the understanding it would just be a one night thing.. apparently i was the class slut..

another "gym guy" is the guy that comes and asks you if he can use the same machine as you in between your sets:

"you mind if i work in?"
"are you gonna towel off the machine when you're done? you look like you just showered"
"how many sets do you have left?"
"i don't know, all of them? actually, i just started but you ruined my night so i'm going home"..

had a couple experiences in the men's room of the Side Bar in the recent years and i'd like to share them with you.. first things first, there is a chalkboard over the urinals which always have mature and profound things written on them.. i was shocked and depressed to find out recently that the "Lou is Gay" that had been there for 25 years has been removed.. devastating.. anyway, on to the stories.. a couple summers ago, i was the only one in the bathroom and suddenly the door opens and two guys are screaming that the "wedding bus was leaving" and asked if i was going on it.. i looked at them and said "no" as politely as a guy who's in mid-piss can be, and one of them looked me up and down and said "damn, i wish you were".. i think i immediately ran the other way and left one of those cartoon human-shaped holes in the wall.. i was hit on in the men's bathroom at the Side.. maybe it was Lou..

the next story happened just last month on the first night i met CHG.. i was washing my hands and making sure i was "CHG quality" when i noticed this guy at the urinal looking over at me.. i ignored him (standard male procedure) until he said "dude, that girl you're with is fine" with his legs about as sturdy as a boxer answering the 8-count in the 12th round.. "ummmm i know, that's why i just spent 2 hours talking to her and looking at her.. now i'm going to go make out with her.. but thanks for your approval".. i don't see the point of that, i guess.. what does he think is going to happen? "yeah, she is fine, do you want to go home with her?".. or maybe it's a relative of mine or something? it's probably not going to go well.. whatever, keep your comments about random girls to yourself and your boys, i'd rather be with the "fine girl" than talking to you about her in this men's room.. that's probably hard to realize when you're 14 beers and 3 Jag bombs in though, i imagine..

i was watching "Cops" last night, an all-prostitute episode aptly titled "Ho! Ho! Ho!".. creative minds at work with that.. anyway, a guy picked up a prostitute and when he was questioned about it said he "didn't realize the prostitute used to be a guy".. well look up from those bowling ball-shaped breasts and find "her" Adam's Apple.. or listen to "her" speak, "she" sounds like Barry White on steroids.. i always find it comical when guys don't realize they're going to pay for sex with a former guy.. that'll ruin your weekend..

in a story about as earth shattering as "Michael Jordan = Good Basketball Player", Clay Aiken announced he was gay last week.. as did Lindsay Lohan.. advantage: girls.. who reading this would rather have sex with Clay than Lindsay, provided you wouldn't get syphilis? that's what i thought..

received an offer from Men's Health that includes a book titled "Guide to the Best Sex in the World - Women From Around the Globe Share Their Hottest Sex Secrets", along with a free "Hot Spot Pleasures" DVD.. the front of the brochure says "The Best Sex in the World All In One Place: Your Bedroom!" and the inside included phrases like "the kitchen can be the sexiest room in the house", "...she gives you a tongue bath" and "i get wet in 30 seconds".. they certainly know their audience.. should be here in 7 to 10 days..


Lyrics of the Week

"When I Look To The Sky" by Train

When it rains it pours and opens doors
That flood the floors we thought would always
Keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships
We sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won’t seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky
Something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
Something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn't say
That caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor
We didn't have before
Every sunset that we’ll miss
I’ll wrap them all up in a kiss
Pick you up in all of this when I sail away

While I float upon this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

Cause when I look to the sky
Something tells me you’re here with me
And you make everything alright
When I feel like I’m lost
Something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way

Whether I'm up or down or in or out
Or just plain overhead
Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings
To see me over everything
That life may send me when I am hoping it won’t pass me by

When I feel like there is no one
That will ever know me
There you are to show me

When I look to the sky
Something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
Something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

When I look to the sky
Something tells me you’re here with me
You make everything alright
And when I feel like I’m lost
Something tells me you’re here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here


"Tomorrow Morning" by Jack Johnson

Well that's all right, if that's all right
Two thousand miles but still that's all right
And that's all right, if that's all right
I'll see you in the morning if that's all right

What would you do if I wrote you a song?
Would you give me some lovin' when I get home?
Or would you be mad at me if I had a hard time
Getting a hold of you?
I try all the time

I'll bet that you don't know anybody that could be so bad
But if you did you'd be wondering where I'm at
I'll be home when tomorrow morning comes

What would you do if I sang you this song
The connection is bad but that's only the phone
Cause when my words kiss your ear, I'll be right there
The message is long because baby this is your song

I'll bet that you don't know anybody that could be so bad
But if you did you'd be wondering where I'm at
I'll be home when tomorrow morning comes


"Forever" by Papa Roach

In the brightest hour
Of my darkest day
I realized
What is wrong with me

Can't get over you
Can't get through to you
It's been a helter skelter romance from the start

Take these memories
That are haunting me
Of a paper man cut into shreds
By his own pair of scissors

He'll never forgive her
He'll never forgive her

Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever

Sitting by a fire
On a lonely night
Hanging over from another good time
With another girl
Little dirty girl
You should listen to this story of her life

You're my heroine
In this moment I'm lonely
Fulfilling my darkest dreams
All these drugs, all these women
I'm never forgiving
This broken heart of mine

Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever
Because days come and go
But my feelings for you are forever

One last kiss
Before I go
Dry your tears
It is time to let you go


"Taste Her" by Tim Mahoney

You wanna break it up again
You think it's me but it's your friends
That make you up to what you have become
You took away all your things
Your precious heart, your devil ways
Do you really know just where you belong

Hear me coming
I've been training for this

And I'm wasted now
But my feet are still on the ground
And my voice is crying out
Cause I can't hold back
Cause I can still taste her
Taste her

You tell me that I need to change
You hang me out to take the blame
Cause you can't seem to see the way I am
Well, I'm not going down like this
I'm holding on for one last kiss
Leave me one more promise at the door

So hear me coming
I've been training for this

And I'm wasted now
But my feet are still on the ground
And my voice is crying out
Cause I can't hold back
Cause I can still taste her

Aimless now
Pull my head down from the clouds
I got one more round
And I'm gonna get her back
Cause I can still taste her
Gonna get her back cause I can still taste her

After all I brought it on myself
I'm still after you
I want it all
I can still taste her


"How Do You Do" by Roxette

I see you comb your hair and gimme that grin
It's making me spin now, spinnin' within
Before I melt like snow, you say hello, how do you do?

I love the way you undress now, baby begin
Do your caress, honey, my heart's in a mess
I love your blue-eyed voice, like Tiny Tim shines through
How do you do?

Well here we are cracking jokes in the corner of our mouths
And I feel like I'm laughing in a dream
If I was young I could wait outside your school
Cause your face is like the cover of a magazine

How do you do, do you do, the things that you do?
No one I know could ever keep up with you
How do you do, did it ever make sense to you
To say Bye, bye bye?

I see you in that chair with perfect skin
Well how have you been baby, livin' in sin?
Hey I gotta know, did you say hello, how do you do?

Well here we are spending time in the louder part of town
And it feels like everything's surreal
When I get old I will wait outside your house
Cause your hands have got the power meant to heal

How do you do, do you do, the things that you do?
No one I know could ever keep up with you
How do you do, did it ever make sense to you
To say Bye, bye bye?

How do you do, do you do, the things that you do
No one I know could ever keep up with you
How do you do, did it ever make sense to you
To say Bye, bye bye


"As Lovers Go" by Dashboard Confessional

She said, "I've got to be honest,
You're wasting your time if you're fishin' around here"
And I said, "You must be mistaken,
I'm not foolin', this feelin' is real."
She said, "You've gotta be crazy!
What do you take me for? Some kinda of easy mark?"

"You've got wits,
You've got looks,
You've got passion,
But I swear that you've got me all wrong."

All wrong
All wrong
But you've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier,
I'll be yours my dear
And I'll belong to you
If you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

I said, "I've got to be honest,
I've been waiting for you all of my life."
For so long I thought I was asylum bound,
But just seeing you makes me think twice.
And being with you here makes me sane.
I fear I'll go crazy if you leave my side.

"You've got wits,
You've got looks,
You've got passion,
But are you brave enough to leave with me tonight?"

Tonight
Tonight
You've got me

I'll be true, I'll be useful, I'll be cavalier,
I'll be yours my dear
I'll belong to you
If you just let me through

This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

This is easy as lovers go.
So don't complicate it by hesitating.
This is wonderful as loving goes.
This is tailor made, what's the sense in waiting?

Monday, September 22, 2008

the geeks get the girls..

ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Caribou Coffee for the 3rd straight week! in this corner, weighing in at a svelte, protein shake and beer-fueled 184 pounds, ME!! (applause, women fainting).. in that corner, weighing quite a bit more than that, a guy who just got off work at Mills Fleet Farm and has probably never seen a naked woman in real-life!! (booooooooo)... LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE!!

this post is being co-brought to you by the guy in the car behind you who lays on the horn one millisecond after the light turns green and people who scream at their seven children in public places.. seriously, have more kids..

i've decided recently that i'm dead-set on learning how to play the guitar, for a few reasons.. 1: i paid $350 for a guitar a few years ago and i'm not really getting my money's worth.. 2: chicks dig guys who play guitar.. and 3: i want to write songs at some point.. i know i don't have the voice to sing in public but i think it's something cool to do at parties or when bored.. and the song-writing thing doesn't really work if you don't know the chords and which ones sound good together, etc.. without that knowledge you're basically just writing poems, which i'll reluctantly admit i've done for "love interests" in the past, always the romantic.. i'm huge into lyrics, if i hear a song that i like on the radio or at a bar, i'll immediately write it down and look up the lyrics when i can.. if i can't find them, i'll listen to the song and write them down myself.. and when i hear certain lyrics, i wonder what the song writer went through to get to that point and how he was able to make a song out of it.. super interesting.. plus, girls pretty much throw their underwear at you when they know you can play guitar.. that doesn't suck.. "why don't you girls gather around this campfire and listen to this song i wrote about a girl that broke my heart".. like those girls aren't putty in that dudes hands..

is it possible for a cold front to pass through a bedroom? i'll go to bed with my chestnuts roasting and a fan on "high" an inch from the bed and wake up a few hours later curled up in the fetal position battling hypothermia because it's 17 degrees.. it's absolutely ridiculous..

the guy at my work who was voted "most likely to burn the place down if he ever got fired" was just fired.. so that's cool..

"Hole In The Wall" is both the best and worst thing to ever be put on television.. last week a team of "little people" (don't know the politically correct term anymore?) faced off against a team of female bodybuilders who had biceps bigger than my thighs.. attractive.. anyway, the object of this game is to try to get through a person-shaped hole in a Styrofoam wall that's coming at you.. if you don't, you get knocked in the water.. evidently this was a huge hit in Japan.. a roommate and i did nothing but tell each other how horrible this show was, yet we watched it from beginning to end.. so they hooked us.. but mix in a female that doesn't need to shave her face and/or back next time, please..

found this out recently: my twin sister knows more about the outdoors than i do, thanks to her boyfriend.. she'll talk to me about what he's doing that weekend while i sit there with a "Tarvaris Jackson in the 4th quarter" look on my face, wondering what's gonna happen with Heidi and Spencer on "The Hills" that week.. embarrassing..

Dear Tampa Bay Rays fans, good luck in the playoffs.. both of you..

one of my favorite developments in the house is the asking of roommates if he and his particular gal are fighting.. a couple examples.. one of my roommates is engaged, which i've mentioned before.. his fiancee will spend weekends at our house then go back to school on Monday morning.. Monday nights when they chat on the phone, it's generally a short conversation because they spent all weekend together.. so when he hangs up after 5 minutes, we'll ask him if they're fighting or if they're mad at each other.. another example.. CHG is off in at P.A. school in Ohio, so a conversation between a roommate and i will generally go like this:

him: are you going to visit her this weekend?
me: really?
him: why not?
me: because she's five states away and i'm not dating her
him: oh... are you guys fighting?

it's never not funny... side CHG note: she's currently tearing up the Ohio Flag Football circuit and is the front-runner for Defensive Player of the Year and Trash Talker of the Year awards.. i think she'd rather have the trash-talker trophy.. she's self-admittedly attempting to be the first (and sexiest) doctor/NFL middle linebacker in history, cutest ever.. look for it on Sportscenter..

one of my favorite parts of Christmas is my mom remembering something i said in April and getting it for me.. "remember back at Easter when you mentioned (whatever)?".. "no, Mom, i'm a guy, i can't remember what i bought you".. that's mom's for you, though.. just one of the little nuances to Christmas that i love..

not sure what's going on at JCPenney's but the 5-0 has been called to the scene.. hope Mills Fleet Guy didn't take people hostage with balers twine..

dear Americans, happy first day of Autumn!
dear Canadians, happy third week of snow!

a few of my favorite experiences as a freshman in college, where i lived with 2 of my current roommates:

- driving 50 minutes in a 1990 Ford Escort, lovingly given the nickname "red rocket", without a cell phone every weekend.. nothing beats driving back to school on a Sunday afternoon in the blizzard of the century in a car that decided daily whether or not it will provide heat, without a cell phone..

- having police knock on your apartment door because "someone was peeing off the balcony" during a party..

- having about 50 bottles of alcohol lining the top of our kitchen cupboards in the spring, 35 or so being Absolut Mandarin, which we mixed with orange juice.. cause, you know, it's healthy.. still can't drink that..

- McDonald's offering 2 quarter pounders for $2.22 for roughly 8 months and 2 weeks of our 9 month stay, aiding our attempt to add the "freshman 15".. was about a 25 minute round-trip to get to McDonald's.. that was negative..

- playing Pitcher/Catcher with a whiffle ball down the hallway of our apartment.. usually not sober..

- one roommate actually doing his Art homework because his "teacher is hot".. always a good reason to do homework..

- that same roommate having to leave orientation 20 minutes in because he was going to throw up.. we had an apartment-warming party the night before..

- me telling other roommate a 5-10 minute bedtime story that was legendary, completely sober.. i included various animals, a land far, far away, etc.. it was so legendary that he asks me to tell him bedtime stories to this day.. i always have to decline because nothing will ever live up to that.. i amazed myself..

- waking up for 9:00 a.m. class and seeing my roommates back already from 8:00 class, playing PS2 and saying, "you're not going to class, right?".. then me throwing my backpack on the couch... hence the failing grade in Algebra... like i care about the difference between an obtuse triangle and that other kind of triangle that's not a equilateral triangle.. i'm still alive..

- refusing to pick up roommates from the "baseball house" at midnight on a school night, resulting in minors for both of them.. which didn't stop them from banging on my bedroom door when they got home, nor hanging their minors on the fridge to remind me that i could have prevented it..

- a bitch that lived below us that still has like 4 of my movies.. massive late fee..

- 39 inches of snow in 2 days.. and 2 days of shoveling, especially after my car was buried by roommates and fellow apartment dwellers for being late to help shovel..

- taking 2nd place in the intramural basketball league and trash-taking throughout.. apparently they didn't realize we went to Basketball High School..

- that hot girl in my public speaking class.. think her name was Angela and that she wanted to marry me..

- trips back and forth home with one roommate, totally rocking N'Sync "This I Promise You".. i wish i were kidding..

- having a class called Study Skills in which i took the notes of both roommates who had the class before.. one of them had failed the class.. the lesson, as always: i'm an idiot..

- being drunk one night and deciding (with some peer pressure) that was the right time to pierce my right earlobe, to match the left one.. without ice.. without a starter earring.. not sure why i'm still friends with these people..


Lyrics of the Week

"All I Ever Wanted" by Chuck Wicks

Girl you got me goin'
Yeah, I think you know it
Oh, I'm ready for this ride
So c'mon take my hand
Cause, only you, you understand
How to kick this feelin' into..

Drive all night with me
Sing the favorite song to sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It's all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted

Was to see you in the pale moonlight
Just the way you look tonight
And maybe someday
If love comes our way
We'll be walkin' in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirlin' in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl, I believe that it's true
All I ever wanted, all I ever really wanted
Was you

If life is what you make it
Here's my chance, I'll take it
You know I want to make you mine
I had this picture in my mind
And you were in it all the time
So baby hold on tight

Drive all night with me
Sing the favorite song to sleep
Under the stars on the hood of our car
It's all I ever wanted
All I ever wanted

Was to see you in the pale moonlight
Just the way you look tonight
And maybe someday
If love comes our way
We'll be walkin' in the meadow in the early spring
You'll be twirlin' in a sundress wearing my ring
Can you see it
Girl I believe that it's true
All I ever wanted, all I ever really wanted
Was you


"Love Remembers" by Craig Morgan

You can't forget what love was wearing
When it walked out your front door
Where you fell down to your knees
And can't forget the kind of suitcase
That was packed out on the sidewalk
While you cried there beggin' please
But love remembers

You can lie and tell yourself
You're over it and someone else will take love's place
And this is for the best
You can lie in that bed
In a stranger's arms reachin' for comfort
Close your eyes and still get no rest

Cause love remembers
The smell of a summer day
Lying in a hammock over fresh cut grass
And the promise of forever
Yeah love remembers
The sound of the pouring rain
Beatin' down on the top of a car
On the side of the road
Where it couldn't wait
Yeah, love remembers

You might convince yourself
There's shelter in a bottle
For a while there it might numb the pain
But when it hits you, then it hits you
That love's still gone and you'll be wishin'
That you'd poured it down the drain

Cause love remembers
The taste of cotton candy lip gloss
On the lips of a long kiss
And the plans they made together
Yeah love remembers
The feel, the fingertips
Running through soakin' wet hair
On the bank after a midnight swim
Yeah, love remembers

Yeah, love remembers
The smell of a summer day
Lying in a hammock over fresh cut grass
And the promise of forever
Love remembers
The sound of the pouring rain
Beatin' down on the top of a car
On the side of the road
Where it couldn't wait
Yeah, love remembers


Fall For You" by Secondhand Serenade

The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don't think that I am trying
I know you're wearing thin down to the core
But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed but I have loved you from the start
Oh, But hold your breath

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It's impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in
I'm yours to keep
And hold on to your words
Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you're asleep

Because tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night
That I will fall for you
Over again
Don't make me change my mind
Or I won't live to see another day
I swear it's true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You're impossible to find


"Mudfootball" by Jack Johnson

Saturday morning and it's time to go
One day these could be the days but who could have known
Loading in the back of a pickup truck
Riding with the boys and pushing the luck
Singing songs loud on the way to the game
Wishing all the things could still be the same
Chinese homeruns over the backstop
Kakua on the ball and soda pop well...

We used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would remain
Nothing's gonna change there's no need to complain

Sunday morning and it's time to go
Been raining all night so everybody knows
Over to the field for tackle football
Big hits, big hats, yeah give me the ball
Rain is pouring, touchdown scoring
Keep on rolling, never boring
Karma, karma, karma chameleon
We're talking kinda funny from helium

We used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would remain
Nothing's gonna change there's no need to complain

Monday morning and it's time to go
Wet trunks and schoolbooks and sand on my toes
Do anything you can to dodge the bus-stop blues
Like driving a padiddle with a burnt-out fuse
My best friend Kimi wants to go with you
So meet her by the sugar mill after school
My best friend Kimi wants to go with you
Meet her by the sugar mill after school

We used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would remain

We used to laugh a lot
But only because we thought
That everything good always would
Everything good always would remain


"With You, Tonight" by Matt Wertz

Saturday, 600 miles
Lie between the two of us
And telephones, they can't replace
Me with you, face to face

You gotta tell me its true
You feel the same
I'm so much better when I say your name

Let me be with you tonight
Everything will be just fine
Oh, with you tonight

When streetlights kissed
Upon your lips
My jealous eyes saw it all of it
Losing sleep, we learned to be
Me with you, you with me

You gotta tell me its true
You feel the same
I'm so much better when I say your name

Let me be with you tonight
Everything will be just fine
With you tonight


"When You Turn Around" by Tim Mahoney

When the walls start closing in
In this stoplight town
Don't it make you wanna walk right outta here?
Hit the highway with the top rolled down

And then we're miles away
And twilight fades to black and white
You look in the rear view mirror
There's nothing there

I'll be Frank Sinatra
Back in Chinatown
And you will be Marilyn
Before the weight of stardom
Dragged her down

We'll meet at Rick's Cafe
And Sam will play a song again
And you'll be perfect
And I will understand you
When you turn around
And you turn around

We'll park the car by the sign that says "vacancy"
Get a room for the night
Beneath the sky with a star for every chip in Vegas
Like Sammy and Deano
And let it ride
But you look in the mirror
And you are there

I'll be Frank Sinatra
Back in Chinatown
And you will be Marilyn
Before the weight of stardom
Dragged her down

We'll meet at Rick's Cafe
And Sam will play a song again
And you'll be perfect
And I will understand you
When you turn around

On a broken fire escape
Behind the neon sun
We're a double feature that
Will never run
Until you turn around
And you turn around

When the sunrise spray paints the desert sky
And it's time to head back
Don't it make you wanna follow the darkness down
Fade to black
But you look in the mirror
There's nothing there

I'll be Frank Sinatra
Back in Chinatown
And you will be Marilyn
Before the weight of stardom
Dragged her down

We'll meet at Rick's Cafe
And Sam will play a song again
And you'll be perfect
And I will understand you
When you turn around
And you turn around

When you turn around
When you turn around

Saturday, September 20, 2008

20 Things She Notices About You

20 Things She Notices About You (from Men's Health.. guys, take notes.. or just print it..)

1. Your well-muscled left forearm. Conveniently located directly above the very first thing I notice: your ring finger.

2. Your skin tone. 1 percent increase in tan = 47 percent increase in muscle tone.

3. Your resemblance to a rock. The Rock, Kid Rock, and all the rocks in between are equally attractive. So stop worrying about your body type. I like them all.

4. Your lungs. When you suck in your gut to impress me, I'm charmed silly.

5. Your stride. I love watching a man who's confident and in shape enough to run shirtless on the beach. You're barefoot, too? My heart is racing.

6. Your swim trunks. No Speedos, please. Just something stylish that shows off your moneymaker.

7. Your moneymaker. It's not what you're thinking . . . I mean those lines that start near your hips and plummet down to your groin. They make you extremely hot . . . and me very, very bothered.

8. Your resemblance to Spider-Man. Women think Tobey Maguire is sexy. And you look like you can totally kick his ass.

9. Your calves. Especially when you're playing volleyball, sprinting for the Frisbee, riding your bike, or on your hands and knees helping a 5-year-old dig a sandcastle moat.

10. Your body in jeans . . . and a linen dress shirt with rolled-up sleeves and a backward baseball cap, all while you're splashing around with your black Lab in the surf at sunset. No, you're not wearing or doing that now. But I'm imagining you are, and you look freaking fetching.

11. Your rear view. Three words: lower-back dimples.

12. Your activity level. Have you been lying out? Or working out?

13. Your shoulder muscles. At some point I will determine whether you're strong enough to save me when I pretend to be caught in the undertow.

14. Your brainpan. Turn the right kind of pages and you can really turn me on. What are you reading—Melville? Or Maxim?

15. Your accessories. Sunglasses and thong flip-flops = instant appeal.

16. Your attire. Salty, sandy, sun-kissed, and wearing a well-worn white T-shirt? I don't care what's under your shirt, because I can only think about getting naked.

17. Your courage. You didn't dip your toe to test the water before jumping in.

18. Your eyes. My eyes are open under these Jackie O. sunglasses, boy, and I can see you checking me out.

19. Your beer belly. A small one's not so bad. A tiny bit of soft flesh over the waistband is forgivable. (Just don't look like you swallowed the keg.)

20. Your belly button. Innie? Outie? Doesn't matter. Weirdly erotic, either way.

Monday, September 15, 2008

crazy kinda crush on you..

this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by girls who don't dress slutty for Halloween, guys out of college who still have their mom's make their appointments, and this kid who wants to do hood rat stuff with his friends who smokes dem cigarettes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKN64o-vHyU

purchased the October Playboy this past weekend which, not coincidentally, features the girls from the Big 10 (poor overall showing by our gals from the U of M, however.. must be a rebuilding year).. that's not the point, i applaud any girl willing to not have clothes on.. what this is really about is a letter written to The Playboy Advisor that is very x-rated and jaw-dropping with it's content.. so put the kids to bed for this one, i'll write the letter in it's entirety:

"I went clubbing this past weekend with my best friend and her boyfriend. After the club closed we went back to her place. She was totally wasted and started to blow her boyfriend in the kitchen. I felt frisky and started touching myself as I watched. Finally, I squatted next to her, and we took turns sucking on him. Despite my asking him not to come in my mouth - and his promise that he wouldn't - he did. I didn't mean to swallow, but my reflex took over. I know he is clean, so I won't get some nasty disease, but I still tried to puke when I got home. I'm feeling tremendous guilt about swallowing. A part of me wants to tell my boyfriend, but the other part tells me it was a fluke that will never happen again. Should I tell my boyfriend, who is the jealous type, or just forget about it? -T.C., Medina, Ohio"

okay, i know that was a lot to take in, no pun intended.. Playboy answered kinda along the same lines as this, but are we to the point where it's okay to give oral sex to a guy who's not your boyfriend as long as you don't swallow? this young lady appears to think that's the rule.. and excuse your boyfriend for being the "jealous type".. i'm guessing any guy on the planet, "jealous-type" or not, would be less than pleased to learn his girlfriend was sucking on another dude.. or are "care-free" guys okay with that?

"hey honey, i gave head to my best friend's boyfriend last night"
"what?!?"
"it's okay, i didn't swallow"
"oh.. what do you wanna do tonight? go to a movie or just hang in?"

somehow i don't see it playing out like that.. by the way, shame on this girl for breaking the cardinal rule: never believe anything your best friend's boyfriend says while he's inside you.. rookie mistake.. he knows a good thing, at that point he can do no wrong since his girlfriend is right there allowing it to happen.. whatever.. get the kids back up, the rest of this will be PG-13..

went to one of my roommates parents last Friday night to have a bonfire and drink several adult beverages.. don't act like we didn't pee in our pool in the backyard when we got home.. don't worry, it probably disinfected it a little bit, i think Bigfoot lives in there.. it's a mess.. anyway, i pretended to know things about hunting while chatting with my roommates dad.. he had stories and tips galore, all i had for input was that the first year i went up north with my dad and brothers for deer hunting (2005), i spent about 45 minutes in the woods on Saturday morning before i shot my first deer.. one guy had been going up there 20 years and hadn't shot one.. had some fun with that: "you've been here 20 years and i've been here 20 minutes..." my dad was more fired up than i was, i just go to sit in the tent at night and drink and bullshit.. if i didn't step a foot in the woods, i wouldn't care.. the best thing about getting a deer that early was that i could sleep in the rest of the weekend.. my dad had asked me for a few years with me turning him down because i thought i'd hate it but i know in a few years i'd regret not going.. it's just fun spending time with him and my brothers, now i look forward to it every year..

in reverse chronological order, before we went to the fire i helped a different roommate put together his bed frame.. i knew he had bought it and was working on it by himself, so i dusted off a hammer and/or screwdriver that was undoubtedly left there by one of our girlfriends and pretended i knew what to do.. i walk into his room and he says, "i'm on step 3 already!", triumphantly.. i look at the directions and discover step one and two combine to get the frame in a square shape on the floor.. "god, you're dumb" i tell him.. there was a lot of "is that part 1D or 3B?" type questions with confused looks on our faces, and it took us probably 20 minutes to get the thing together, having about 147 spare parts that clearly weren't important but he's successfully slept on his bed without collapse for 3 nights.. sometimes i wonder who's a manlier man, me or Matthew McConaughey.. probably a tie..

it was announced today that the Twins stadium opening in the spring of 2010 will be named Target Field.. i wonder if there will be employees in red shirts asking them how many items they have before they get dressed? you know, like in the dressing rooms at Target? (crickets chirping) moving on.....

a college football game this past weekend between Auburn and Mississippi State ended with the score 3-2.. i wonder who had the bases clearing double for Auburn in the 8th inning? soccer thought that game was boring..

a strip club bouncer wrote an article for Cosmo that i obviously read.. anyway, he said that 90% of guys who come into a strip club try to get a girl to leave with them.. either to a real club for drinks or somewhere else to do "something else" (PG-13, remember?).. just the type of girl you want to bring home to mom, right? "how'd you guys meet?".. "i'm glad you asked, Mom, that's a great story.. Cinnamon offered me a lap dance and just as i was telling her that her clit ring really diverted the attention from her C-section scar, it got hooked on my zipper and we had to have Desiree get us separated.. we've been screaming at each other ever since.. it was like fate!".. what happened to meeting lawyers and doctors and, you know, people who have jobs that require clothing and the occasional drug test? probably became uncool the same time it became cool to suck your best friend's boyfriend off.. just kidding on the PG-13 stuff, by the way.. time to grow up, kids..

if i'm unsure about which outfit i should wear, i'll do what any 25-year-old male does: call or text his twin sister for her input.. "white button down or black t-shirt? hat or no hat? sandals or Doc's?".. most times i'm able to dress myself but if i feel the need to look extra "fly", i get a second opinion.. the first time i met CHG in person and on purpose, i tried on like 5 outfits before i got advice.. you remember CHG from about a month ago, right? i felt it was necessary that night because i knew she would be bringing her A-game.. i think i aced the fashion part of the "first date" since it led to one of my favorite top 3 CHG quotes, which i'll keep to myself out of respect.. let's just say she made my August 16th more than just Madonna's birthday..

Caribou Coffee is the last public place in history to not have a urinal in the men's bathroom.. if i wanted to pee in a toilet i would have stayed home.. at least i hope i was in the men's room.. the couch and tampon dispenser seemed unnecessary..

one of my biggest pet peeves is people who are self-absorbed.. if you're smart, talk to me about stuff other than yourself, i'm smart enough to realize when someone else is smart.. if you're athletic or attractive, i can tell by looking at you.. if you're rich, i really don't care.. and i'll care less if you start telling me that you are.. be normal and let me be the judge of what qualities you have.. so annoying.. those are all great things, but what makes them a million times cooler is acting like you don't know it..

a couple posts ago, i wrote about my experience in a Target dressing room where i overhead a girl say her shirt was tight on her boobs and i acted all "stereotypical guy" about it.. after reading that, a girl said "boobs aren't that cool".. if by "aren't that cool" you mean " are the greatest things ever", then yeah, they aren't that cool.. guys would spend 24 hours in the shower or in front of the mirror if we could be a girl for a day.. we're mesmerized by them all, and keep your own.. fake boobs are just dumb.. like comedian Daniel Tosh says, "keep telling yourself you got them so your shirts would fit better, you got them because you're a whore.. you forgot because you're stupid".. exactly.. real is better 100% of the time..

Dear Guy at the Gym Who Talks on his Cell Phone While on the Treadmill: please stop it..

Dear Girl who Wore That While Running Next to me Last Thursday: please keep doing that..

i think we've filled the pregnant girl quota where i work, were all condoms recalled recently? did i miss a company picnic/orgy?

if you're on "Price Is Right" on bidders row and are not the last one to bid but still say $1, you're an idiot.. but not as big of an idiot as the guy after you who doesn't bid $2.. regardless, either one of you are going to miss the putt on Hole-In-One for the dinette set or Grandfather clock.. take your "I Love Bob" shirt or "I Love Drew" shirt or "I Love That Guy from Home Improvement" shirt or whoever the hell hosts that show now and get ready for the big wheel..


Lyrics of the Week

"Piece of You" by Tim Mahoney

Didn't work out the way it should
Like everything in my life
Stuck in a run in my own little world
Gotta break out of this
If I could just hear your voice, I swear
I would do anything
I call you up but you're not there
I start to break apart
Need to change your mind

I'll take a piece of you with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Talking in my sleep
It's you, wherever I go
Wherever I go
And I know that you're over me
But it's hard to breathe
When you're not next to me
I'll take a piece of you

I sent you a message at 2 a.m.
I'm such an idiot
I can't believe the things I said
How did you deal with it?
I understand why you're not here
You push away, she won't stay
Sorrow steeps inside my tears
I start to break apart
Need to change your mind

I'll take a piece of you with me
Wherever I go
Wherever I go
Talking in my sleep
It's you, wherever I go
Wherever I go
And I know that you're over me
But it's so hard to breathe
When you're not next to me
I'll take a piece of you

Where did you go?
Where did you go?
I'm still waiting
I'll take a piece of you with me
I know I know I know

I'll take a piece of you with me


"I'm About To Come Alive" by Train

I can hear you downstairs crying on the phone
Telling someone that I'm here but you still feel all alone
Maybe we were too young
Goodbye, I've gotta go
I can hear the baby waking up
Got to get back to the life I know

I should have never believed him
Maybe I should just leave him

Maybe I'm not but you're all I got left to believe in
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive
And I know that it's been hard
And it's been a long time coming
Don't give up on me
I'm about to come alive

No one thought I was good enough for you
Except for you
Don't let them be right
After all that we've been through
'Cause somewhere over that rainbow
There's a place for me
A place with you

In every frame upon our wall
Lies a face that's seen it all
Through ups and downs and then more downs
We helped each other off of the ground
No one knows what we've been through
Making it ain't making it without you


"Mean To Me" by Tonic

There's an empty place inside that is hurting me
A place that keeps my heart out on its own
A disconnected function of my wretchedness
That keeps me so hard pressed

It's a place where words are spoken you will never hear
A broken bridge of lines that just won't come
An empty lung that won't give the wind to speak at me
How far can it be from home?

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me?

Do you think that it got up and left for good this time
A crowd of faceless strangers moving on
A feeling that you left it all behind you now
That it doesn't hurt somehow
To know

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so mean to me?

So open up the book that you keep deep inside
Let the pages yellow in the sun
Show them that you're not afraid to let them see
How far you can be from home?

Why you gotta be so mean to me?
Why you gotta drag me down just to make me see?
You know I don't listen good and I'm always in need
So why you gotta be so fuckin' mean to me?


"She Doesn't Get It" by The Format

All the girls pose the same for pictures
All the boys got the same girls' hair
I am bored 'cause I feel much older
Look at me, as if I've got a reason to stare

But you talk so loud that it calms me down
You're crying "Let's make a toast"

She says she's leaving on a Sunday
That leaves me one more night
Can I take you home?
I know it's wrong but I know your type
She says she's leaving on a Sunday and I don't care
I need to know where to turn
I tried it once
It never caught on
I was the only one who got burned

I've read every word you're said
From a poster of a cat
Four books look across your sofa
I thought your coffee table was more clever than that

It gets worse once we get to her room as she stops and she sings"doot do do doot do do doot do"
I claim "new religion" is my song
She doesn't get it
It's all before she was born

And you lock your door
Like I've been here before
I feel like I've seen a ghost

Suddenly between sheets and eyelids I am reminded why I don't do this
I fall in love far too quickly
I never want her to forget me
When you're gone
Will you call?
Will you write?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

falling in love in a coffee shop..

first things first, this is the first post that will not be written in the comfort of my bedroom.. i am currently at Caribou Coffee, sucking down a large skim latte with sugar-free caramel.. be jealous..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by O.J. Simpson.. after getting away with a double murder, you might want to keep your nose clean for at least 15 years, not commit armed robbery and kidnapping.. allegedly.... hell of a running back, though..

i'm not the only one scared to death of mimes am i? you're wearing face paint, white gloves and are pretending to be in a box and you want to entertain my (unborn) kids? no thanks, i'm gonna see what Michael Jackson is up to.. he only has one glove.. and a roller coaster..

jokes about having sex with one another's mother are still all the rage for the male 18+ crowd, in case anyone was worried about that dying out..

want to improve your daily vocabulary? use "swass" in the place of "sweaty ass" and "swalls" instead of "sweaty balls" (more for guys).. i've also heard the term "gitbarsh" used to describe these conditions recently.. say that out loud and don't laugh, i dare you.. to use it in a sentence, "i have severe gitbarsh right now, my berries could use a once-over with some 409 All-Purpose Cleaner".. you're welcome..

i'll admit, i've done a lot of dumb stuff while drunk.. i have never once been ran over by a train, however, like one gentleman in Sauk Rapids, MN earlier this week.. how does this happen? trains have whistles and blow them more often than necessary, right? i don't care how drunk you are, you know trains travel on train tracks, maybe pay attention when you're by them.. when i'm drunk i laugh a lot, pee a lot and make some regretful calls and texts (should be breathalizers on cell phones, i swear.. make it happen, Obama).. i have never once walked along train tracks and failed to get out of the way of an oncoming train.. you can't make it up..

looking through pictures on my cell phone at work today, came across Open Air girl.. i miss her.. i've actually found out since that she's a bit of a slut and has a fake rack.. so she's worthless to me.. "well that was fun but you can't speak so now what?", i imagine saying to her as she's in the mirror fixing her hair.. whatever.. should have gotten a personality implant and improved something that has some importance.. i can't be the only guy who's completely bored with girls who think how they look is the most important thing, can i? take off the makeup, put on some sweatpants, let your hair get all crazy and be yourself and we'll think you're the cutest ever.. "cute and fun girl-next-door" > "lava-hot but conceited, self-involved girl" 365 1/4 days of the year..

for everyone who questions me for drinking diet soda and going to the gym instead of sitting on the couch, let me explain why i do that.. in order to attract the kind of girl that i want to be with, i feel like i should be attractive in all areas.. feel free to hang out with the girls who think the square root of 9 is "Tuesday", i'd rather spend my time getting my body in desirable "baby-making" shape for the gal who'll end up sleeping next to it every night.. now, don't get me wrong.. i'm not 100% opposed to the one-night deals as long as all parties involved realize what's going on and are cool with it.. i just prefer to know i don't have any kids in West Virginia or chlamydia.. the future gal probably prefers that as well..

just spilled coffee all over my white shirt.. i would have bet $3 million this would happen..

in my 25 years, i've figured out that girls kinda like being treated badly a little bit.. it makes them think and isn't so easy.. what fun is always getting along, right? i've learned that you have to space out and limit the sweet things so when they happen, they mean more.. and you don't get into the spot where they expect something every minute and get upset and wonder if you like them anymore if you don't.. just be yourself and if it's supposed to work out, it will.. if not, that's life and you move on.. a former roommate of mine is the nicest guy in the world and he admitted that he attracted his girlfriend of nearly 2 years by being a dick to her and that intrigued her.. i'll never forget on the way home from the bars on my 22nd birthday, i was bitching to my brother that "all girls like assholes" and he said "they don't marry the assholes, eventually they figure it out so don't change".. he's been through many breakups where he thought it was the end of the world, now he's married to the woman of his dreams and has 2 of the cutest girls on the planet.. so don't get so hung up on one person because it'll work out if it's supposed to and the person that you eventually end up with will probably blow that other person out of the water.. it's science.. besides, if it's a "bad boy" you want, i have a tattoo and my ears pierced.. i may or may not have been involved in a gang fight in the past month, you never know.. and my mom says i look "mean" in my drivers license picture.. get in line, girls..

that being said, i get jealous hearing my engaged roommate tell his fiancee that he loves her every night on the phone, having never said that or been told that.. it sounds like he enjoys saying it..

currently suffering from "swelly" (sweaty belly).. probably a direct cause-and-effect from the scalding hot coffee i dumped on it.. God i'm dumb.. and this fly by my head sounds like a small helicopter.. so that's cool..

sudden mood swing as the college-aged girl next to me leaned down to reach into her backpack and totally caught a glimpse of the white thong (white quickly becoming my favorite color).. i should say something to her.. "hi", i say in my head.. maybe i'll let this one go considering the giant brown stain on my shirt.. can't let her think i'm bad with my hands and mouth.. stupid lid..

my roommates and i are fans of wrestling each other in the living room to the point of submission.. a "Rowdy" Roddy Piper sleeper hold suddenly countered by a splash off the couch, ala "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka.. we've suffered some injuries that have required medical attention but most of them involved fighting opponents that weren't in our weight class and we deserved it.. side note on "Rowdy" Roddy Piper: as a young boy, i was never more traumatized as the night i saw him attacked on a wrestling show when these bad guys put a folding chair around his leg and stomped down on it.. i think i cried for days.. i was obsessed with wrestling growing up.. mom says when i was 2 years old, i used to ask "is wessling on?" every single night.. could i be any cuter, you ask? no i couldn't, and i have photographic evidence..

strip clubs frown upon you answering your cell phone while seated by the stage.. apparently cause you might want to take a picture of that Grand Canyon of a vagina garnished by the Playboy bunny pubic hair.. or those bullet wounds, stretch marks or needle scars.. they'll confiscate your phone and you won't get it back until you leave.. kinda like science class, except more blue balls and less note-taking..

at Buffalo Wild Wings recently and had a red-hot, racked-out boombalottie waitress with a giant rock on her finger.. hey, i have an idea: either wear the ring OR the skin-tight black pants.. not both, that's just mean.. i should have asked "boyfriend?" and when she said yes, come back with "do you want a manfriend?".. it never fails and it's kinda charming in a "creepy stalker" way.. "do you guys need anything else?".. "umm yes, some more ranch and if you could be less hot that'd be terrific, i'm trying to watch this game".. whatever, here's a generous tip that you can spend on your honeymoon and douchebag husband.. i hope you get fat.. and a divorce.. and then get skinny again and find me..


24 Sexy Things Women Have Told Men's Health Readers
(in a related story, women are cool)..

1. "Take off your clothes and turn on the music."

2. Before she left for an extended trip abroad: "Don't worry. You know you own it."

3. "Sit back, close your eyes, and let me do everything."

4. "Let's go get some barbecue and get busy."

5. "Do you want to bring your beer with you in case you lose any fluids?"

6. "If I don't kiss you before the night is over, I'll consider my year a failure."

7. Written on a card that came with flowers she sent him: "This is for the great sex we're going to have tonight."

8. "I would feel so safe lying beneath you."

9. "If you ever discuss your girlfriend problems with another woman, you will end up sleeping with her. So . . . tell me about your girlfriend problems."

10. "Is your mustache functional, or is it purely for decoration?"

11. "You're my daddy."

12. She pointed to her eye, then made a circle with her finger and thumb, stuck her other forefinger through it, and pointed at him.

13. "I'm going to get naked now. Any questions?"

14. "Show me everything you know."

15. "I'm feeling dirty. I think I'll take a shower."

16. "The sound of your voice makes my nipples hard."

17. "I'll make your bed spin."

18. Bursting into tears just after sex: "I just love you so much!"

19. "Spank me now!"

20. "How the hell did you do that?"

21. "You can have me now or have me later, but you are going to have me."

22. On the freeway: "Have you ever gotten head at 100 miles an hour?"

23. "Give it to me, baby, and give them a good show."

24. "It hurts, but I love it when you do it."


Lyrics of the Week (i'm feeling generous, i know i did this last night)..

"More Than a Moment" by Tim Mahoney

When I think about the way I lied
And the eventide
Of me and you
Something tears me up inside
And I'm crucified by the truth

It's hard to say goodbye
But someday, I hope you realize

The more I see you
The more I want you
The more I need you
For more than a moment

The more I breathe you
The more my sorrow
The more I need you
For more than a moment
More

I felt the tables turn around
I've broken down
I've broken you

Without you, life is like a ghost town
It's such a let down
What can I do?

It's hard to say goodbye
But someday I hope you realize

The more I see you
The more I want you
The more I need you
For more than a moment

The more I breathe you
The more my sorrow
The more I need you
For more than a moment
More

I don't wanna let go
I don't wanna lie
I don't wanna be the star in someone elses sky
It's your sky


"Simple Life" by Tim Mahoney

She knows she could be a rock star
But she'd rather be understated
She just wants something real
Something her heart can feel
Nothing too complicated

Now I, I don't have much
But maybe it's enough

She could have anything she wants
It's understood
She could marry herself a movie star in Hollywood
And she says "I don't think I need it anymore
Cause it's you that makes me happy
So give me the simple life
Give me the simple life"

She knows she could be a super model
But she wants to be more than beauty
Yeah she could live in Rome
But Kansas feels like home
That's where she's waiting for me now

Now I, I don't have much
But maybe it's enough

She could have anything she wants
It's understood
She could marry herself a movie star in Hollywood
And she says "I don't think I need it anymore
Cause it's you that makes me happy
So give me the simple life
Give me the simple life

She knows she could be a rock star
But she'd rather be mine


"Just A Girl" by Tim Mahoney

Woke up in your empty garden
Where you watch as I lay
You have no use for me it seems
You only take what you need

She's polite like a wave in the parade
Says thank you and hello
And she'll break you up and cut you right down to your soul
You won't even know

She's movin' on
That's how it goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
That everyone thinks that she bleeds only gold
I, I still know
She's just a girl

She laughs at her angels
She stands on her own
She won't lie
Look in her eyes
She'll run and hide

She's polite like a wave in the parade
She'll break you up and cut you right down to your soul
You won't even know

She's movin' on
That's how it goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
Everyone thinks that she's leading me on
But I, I still know
She's just a girl

She's movin' on
That's how it goes
Movin' out
Somehow she knows
Everyone thinks that I'm still holding on
But I, I still know
She's just a girl

She's just a girl

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

i saw her standing there..

this post is being unofficially brought to you by the guys at the mall tonight dressed in all black with pink hair, javelins in their cheeks and holes the size of quarters in their earlobes.. rough childhood, i'm guessing..

my roommate sent me a text today of the "bumper sticker of the day" which read, "drive it like you stole it", narrowly beating out "i'd rather push a Chevy than drive a Ford".. cool..

i was at Cash Wise on Sunday checking out and this boy (i'm guessing around age 2) was having a total meltdown about not being able to get candy or something.. then he turns on the charm with a "but i wuv you".. mom caved in immediately but had she not, i was prepared to buy it for him..

the Vikings played their first game of the season last night and my brother was in San Diego for work and had a meeting that started when the game did.. my job was to text him pretty much everything that was happening until he was able to watch.. one of the Vikings defensive backs got beat for a long catch and after i told him who got burned, he replied with "shoot him".. he was watching for about 3 seconds before i get a call from him that included about 37 "fucks" and the word "cunt".. one of my rules is: every time your brother uses the word "cunt" over the phone, it's blog-worthy.. our family likes sports..

there are more benefits to sex for guys than "that cool tingly sensation" and promotions at work.. Men's Health says it can also boost your immune system, cut your prostate-cancer risk, halve your risk of a fatal heart attack, ignite your fat burners and de-stress your mind.. during a passionate bout of sex, men use 143 muscles and torch as many calories as during a 15-minute jog.. with presumably less burning in the calves and a smaller risk of vomiting.. and by "passionate", i assume they mean more of the "kitchen counter/table/floor right now!" variety and less of the "can't it wait until after Conan?" kind..

since i went with the Men's Health tidbit, i feel like i should display some gender equality and share something from Cosmo.. luckily for you, i read some of both.. and that "luckily for you" is obviously not including my future wife and anyone who has to be seen in public with me.. anyway, this question was posed to 30,000 men: If you could only experience one move during intercourse for the rest of your life, it would be ___. the leader in the clubhouse at 41% is "hearing her moan".. the rest of the answers get fairly graphic and i agreed wholeheartedly with that answer so we're not going any further, other than to make fun of the 1% of guys who said "her slapping my butt".. because that's cooler than her sex noises?.. you realize you didn't just kick the game-winning field goal, right?.. figure it out..

so yesterday at work i notice i have a giant hole in the crotch of my jeans.. i assume this doesn't meet the standards of the employee dress code but the Vikings played at 6:00 last night so there was no time to stop and buy new pants.. this morning i decided i could weather one more day with the crotchless jeans if i put a couple safety pins down there, breaking my "never intentionally put anything sharp within 6 inches of your beanbag" rule.. sporting my fanciest pair of boxer/briefs in case of a wardrobe malfunction, i braved 8 hours of work with no mishaps.. stopped at Target on the way home and i can NEVER remember what size of jeans i wear.. so there i am looking like some lunatic trying to look at the size on my tag, unsuccessfully.. i ended up having to break the "man law" of "never try on clothes before purchasing".. while in the dressing room, i hear a girls voice say "this is really tight on my boobs" and wish i was in there saying Chandler's line of "uhh, i can check that for ya".. bottom line: i went into Target to buy cheap work jeans and i came out with jeans, something called "knit pants" which definitely hug my ass in all the right places, a Popeye t-shirt which says "strong to the finish" (like i'm not buying that), 4 pairs of boxer/briefs and 2 hats which are usually reserved for cab drivers or train conductors.. a half hour and $103 later, i walk out completely satisfied (insert prostitution joke here).. the lesson, as always: i'm an idiot..

ignoring every ounce of common sense in my head, i ran a 5K for colon cancer research this past Saturday.. i was actually asked to do it by my twin sister who runs quite often, so i was happy to do it.. luckily nobody in our family has had colon cancer to my knowledge but it's always a good feeling knowing you contributed to a cause like that.. due to a cold the previous week and my avoidance of the gym the 2 weeks previous of that, i was not in condition to run 3.1 miles.. they had paint on the ground at the 1-mile and 2-mile marks, both of which i assumed were the finish line and that i was being Punk'd.. plus, i got passed by a man pushing a stroller, never a positive occurrence in any setting.. in any event, i never stopped to walk, which was my main goal and ended up finishing with a blistering time of 29:02 ("blistering" referring to my feet).. somewhere Usain Bolt is blushing.. training begins now for the 2012 Olympics.. assuming "napping" is added as an event by then..


Lyrics of the Week

"She's More" by Andy Griggs

I like blue eyes, hers are green
Not like the woman of my dreams
And her hair's not quite as long as I had planned
Five foot three isn't tall
She's not the girl I pictured at all
In those paint by number fantasies I've had

So it took me by complete surprise
When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes
She's not at all what I was looking for
She's more

No, it wasn't at first sight
But the moment I looked twice
I saw the woman I was born to love
Her laughter fills my soul
And when I hold her I don't wanna let go
When it comes to her I can't get enough

So it took me by complete surprise
When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes
She's not at all what I was looking for
She's more

More than I dreamed of
More than any man deserves
I couldn't ask for more
Than a love like hers

So it took me by complete surprise
When my heart got lost in those deep green eyes
She's not at all what I was looking for
She's more


"Rush Together" by Quietdrive

They grew up in the same old town
Never knowing the other was around
Read from the same damn books
Never gave each others looks

But one day the sun will shine, I know
For their eyes have told me so
Chasing advice from those who say I've lost my mind

Rush together to find each other
No, it's too late
You can never wait for luck
Together playing the same instrument
That you still can't hear at all

So that's how the story goes, so far
I'll tell you the rest but now I'm tired of what I think
A situation where I can't sing
But I hate the vagrant life, I know
Nothing has been more sold, til now
Living my life after those who say I've lost my mind

Rush together to find each other
No, it's too late
You can never wait for luck
Together playing the same instrument
That you still can't hear at all

So what do you say?
So what do you say?
Can we turn this clock back 13 years and relate?
I won't mind, can we stay?

But isn't it fate? But isn't it fate?
That we spilled our guts on this very day
I don't mind
I want to, I want to stay

Rush together to find each other
No, it's too late
You can never wait for luck
Together playing the same instrument

Are you listening at all?
Are you listening at all?


"For You I Will" by Teddy Geiger

Alright (Yeah)

Wandering the streets in a world underneath it all
But nothing seems to be
Nothing tastes as sweet as what I can't have
Like you and the way that you're twisting your hair round your finger
But tonight I'm not afraid to tell you
What I feel about you

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will

Forgive me if I st-stutter
From all of the clutter in my head
Cause I could fall asleep in those eyes
Like a water bed
Do I seem familiar
I've crossed you in hallways a thousand times
No more camouflage
I want to be exposed
And not be afraid to fall

Oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
And cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will

You always want what you can’t have
But I've got to try
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
For you I will, for you I will, for you...

If I could dim the lights in the mall
And create a moon, I would
Shout out your name so it echoes in every room

That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do
That's what I'd do

To get through to you, yeah


"The Luckiest" by Ben Folds

I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns, the stumbles and falls
Brought me here

And where was I before the day
That I first saw your lovely face?
Now I see it everyday
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

What if I'd been born fifty years before you
In a house on a street where you lived?
Maybe I'd be outside as you passed on your bike
Would I know?

And in a wide sea of eyes
I see one pair that I recognize
And I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest

I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you
Next door there's an old man who lived to his nineties
And one day passed away in his sleep
And his wife; she stayed for a couple of days
And passed away

I'm sorry, I know that's a strange way to tell you that I know we belong
That I know
That I am
I am
I am
The luckiest


"Tiny Vessels" by Death Cab For Cutie

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me

I spent two weeks in Silver lake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me
Yeah, she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me

I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings
And every bite I gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day

All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "Is something wrong?"
I think "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now
No, we can't talk about it now"

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah, you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me