this post is being unofficially co-brought to you by the guy at my gym who brushes his teeth in the shower AND guys who when asked, "are you ready?" say, "i was born ready"..
i don't know the best way to attract a girl at the gym, but i highly doubt it's by glancing non-stop at her ass while she's on the treadmill, then walking to the dressing room and imagining what your kids would look like..
earlier this year, a baseball player for the Chicago Cubs was put on the Disabled List with a "twisted testicle".. Disabled List? i'd be on my fucking death bed writing out my will.. kinda puts "turf toe" into perspective, doesn't it? i want no part of that.. not only is a twisted testicle probably #'s 1 through 4 on the "painful sports injuries" list, it's also the name of my future rock band..
if you own a shirt that says "Amateur Gynecologist", you are a "Professional Masturbater"... show me one girl that has seen that shirt on a guy and been like "wow, that's really clever, take a look at this vagina!".. never has happened, never will happen.. use that shirt to wash your car..
let me get this straight, the gas prices are rising in part because "China might raise their interest rates"?? if i knew anything about the fucking economy, i'd probably be pissed about this..
so we're going to have to start paying for our soda on flights now? can we at least get the entire can now or do we still have to share it with 3 other passengers? you can't get much soda in a shot glass with 4 giant ice cubes in it.. at least the blankets covered in other peoples hair are still free.. how much for the pack of 14 peanuts? or the paper thin pillow? or that 7-month-old kid that's evidently passing a kidney stone 3 rows behind me? i'm blaming Osama..
someone needs to explain to me how Ozzy Osbourne can be one of the most successful recording artists of all-time when he speaks like his tongue is tied in a knot..
so we had the 2ND WNBA dunk over the weekend huh? this begs the question: if a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, does anyone really give a fuck?
i've written before about athletes who have multiple children out of wedlock.. i can understand making a mistake once or maybe even twice.. maybe she was hot and you had a bad night, all is forgiven.. but when you get to the point that some of these guys are at with 5 or so kids with 5 or so women, don't you put on a condom the moment you walk out the door? instead of a jar filled with assorted candies by the door, have a bowl of assorted condoms.. wallet, check.. keys, check.. cell phone, check.. child support payments, check.. Trojan Her Pleasure Lubricated, check.. and buckle up on your way to court, Pops..
how come Keith Urban can sing to a girl and be considered a "sex symbol" but when i do it outside of a girls bedroom at 3:30 a.m. suddenly i'm "violating my restraining order"?? must be the Australian accent..
when those hillbillies say "Git 'R Done", what the hell do they want done? the chores? the "warsh" on the "warsh line"? the John Deere fixed? the once-a-week bath? the Nascar race taped? the 9 seconds this phrase was cool has long passed and now you're just an annoying redneck.. and don't wear hubcaps for belt buckles either.. it's tacky..
hey Obama and McCain, how about mandatory bras if you can't keep your breasts above your belly button? just thinking out loud... on a related topic, if you've placed in the top 3 in any "wet t-shirt" contest in the past 5 years, bras are strongly discouraged.. guys, don't wear Speedos or you're going to jail..
well that's it for now, i may take a few days off of writing this crap.. i'll be turning 25 later this week so i'll be busy looking for the right shade of "Hair Club for Men" hair color and reliable denture cream..
Monday, June 23, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
clothing optional..
this post is being unofficially brought to you by that guy that doesn't wear a shirt to the zoo..
what's noisier? a 747 landing on the roof of your house or the music they play in Hollister? seriously, this isn't a dance club, i just want to buy some fucking swimming trunks without risking the loss of my hearing.. so have Chad or Kellen or Amber turn down the Jimmy Eat World mix (you can't be unattractive to work there, i've noticed) and help me figure out which pair matches my rippling 6-pack and tiger-like eyes..
i've learned that listening to the Twins on the radio at work affects my mood towards my co-workers.. if they're losing or have lost, i get pissed and keep more to myself.. if they win, i'm jolly.. the same thing happens with Vikings games.. the outcome on Sunday affects my mood for at least the rest of the day and maybe a few more if it was important.. that's either called "being a fanatic" or "being an idiot"..
if your middle name is Wayne, you are obligated to murder someone..
you've passed a big hurdle in a relationship if the female asks the male pick up "girl necessities" at the store and he doesn't freak out..
girls get more offended by being left out of a wedding party than guys do, based on the little known rule that every female to have come in contact with the bride since middle school should be a bridesmaid..
i have a feeling that hitting a great shot in golf is similar to seeing the birth of your first child..
if you spray paint "your name + partner's name = true love" onto a bridge or overpass, the chance you two end up together is similar to Carrie Underwood texting me to meet her and Katrina Elam for a 2 a.m. threesome.. i'd like my odds better if i lived in Nashville.. in fact, that's the only reason it hasn't occurred yet..
Bret Michaels should worry less about finding his "soul mate" every year on "Rock of Love" and worry more about making it to his shift at T.G.I. Fridays on time..
is anything funnier than roadside sobriety tests? thankfully, i've only seen these on television, but it is always classic.. first, they need to walk heel-to-toe for 9 steps, turn around and walk back.. i think one person invented a new dance for the latest Fergie song while attempting that.. then obviously they have the "say the alphabet backwards" bit, which no sober human on earth can do in less than 2 minutes and without scratch paper.. most people make it to about 'X', then say their phone number and zip code, spell their mom's maiden name, then "C, B, A".. the greatest part is that after all this happens, they're still flabbergasted that the cop throws a set of handcuffs on them because they did only have "2 1/2 beers like six hours ago".. oh really? then why did you fall on the back of your head when you lifted one foot off the ground? high comedy..
if you want to be in the running for "president of the douche bags", buy a fitted hat, don't form the brim, leave the stickers on it and wear it sideways.. or just wear wristbands for no reason..
how bad can someones life be for them to even consider doing hardcore drugs? have you ever heard this story: "ya know, my life was terrible, i lost my job, my wife left me and she got the kids.. but then i started doing meth and everything turned around for me.. i got a great job, my wife came back to me, the kids are doing great in school..." no, you haven't heard this because IT'S NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE!!! that's why it's really hard for me to have any sympathy for anyone who's hooked on drugs, because they knew what they were getting themselves into and they were dumb enough to continue it.. save the money you spend on drugs and go to school, problem solved.. unless your life is going way too well and you need to solve that pesky "clear skin" and "too many teeth" problem you have..
i've had about enough of those people who wear their underwear while riding their bikes.. mix in some pants or something that doesn't tell me whether or not you're circumcised.. this isn't the Tour De France and you deliver pizza for a living, act like it..
here is a list of when some things are acceptable and unacceptable:
Girls kissing each other:
acceptable: always
unacceptable: never
Guys kissing each other:
acceptable: while performing life-saving mouth-to-mouth
unacceptable: any time other than that
Reasons for missing work:
acceptable: sick, death in family, hungover, golfing, big sporting event
unacceptable: still drunk, in jail, because it's Wednesday, date with a hooker, can't find pants
Places it's okay for a guy to be topless in public:
acceptable: beach, basketball court, water-balloon fight
unacceptable: work Christmas party, church, children's dance recital
Places it's okay for a girl to be topless in public:
acceptable: everywhere
unacceptable: nowhere
Things it's okay to say to another guy at the gym:
acceptable: "can you spot me?"
unacceptable: "feel my biceps, are they bigger than last time?"
Answers for the question "did you see 'Dancing With the Stars'?"
acceptable: "no"
unacceptable: "yes"
Reasons for being late:
acceptable: "the game went into overtime/extra innings"
unacceptable: "my best friend called because her and her boyfriend had a huge fight"
i could go on but it's time for my beauty rest, maybe i'll continue this topic another time.. hope this cleared things up a bit..
what's noisier? a 747 landing on the roof of your house or the music they play in Hollister? seriously, this isn't a dance club, i just want to buy some fucking swimming trunks without risking the loss of my hearing.. so have Chad or Kellen or Amber turn down the Jimmy Eat World mix (you can't be unattractive to work there, i've noticed) and help me figure out which pair matches my rippling 6-pack and tiger-like eyes..
i've learned that listening to the Twins on the radio at work affects my mood towards my co-workers.. if they're losing or have lost, i get pissed and keep more to myself.. if they win, i'm jolly.. the same thing happens with Vikings games.. the outcome on Sunday affects my mood for at least the rest of the day and maybe a few more if it was important.. that's either called "being a fanatic" or "being an idiot"..
if your middle name is Wayne, you are obligated to murder someone..
you've passed a big hurdle in a relationship if the female asks the male pick up "girl necessities" at the store and he doesn't freak out..
girls get more offended by being left out of a wedding party than guys do, based on the little known rule that every female to have come in contact with the bride since middle school should be a bridesmaid..
i have a feeling that hitting a great shot in golf is similar to seeing the birth of your first child..
if you spray paint "your name + partner's name = true love" onto a bridge or overpass, the chance you two end up together is similar to Carrie Underwood texting me to meet her and Katrina Elam for a 2 a.m. threesome.. i'd like my odds better if i lived in Nashville.. in fact, that's the only reason it hasn't occurred yet..
Bret Michaels should worry less about finding his "soul mate" every year on "Rock of Love" and worry more about making it to his shift at T.G.I. Fridays on time..
is anything funnier than roadside sobriety tests? thankfully, i've only seen these on television, but it is always classic.. first, they need to walk heel-to-toe for 9 steps, turn around and walk back.. i think one person invented a new dance for the latest Fergie song while attempting that.. then obviously they have the "say the alphabet backwards" bit, which no sober human on earth can do in less than 2 minutes and without scratch paper.. most people make it to about 'X', then say their phone number and zip code, spell their mom's maiden name, then "C, B, A".. the greatest part is that after all this happens, they're still flabbergasted that the cop throws a set of handcuffs on them because they did only have "2 1/2 beers like six hours ago".. oh really? then why did you fall on the back of your head when you lifted one foot off the ground? high comedy..
if you want to be in the running for "president of the douche bags", buy a fitted hat, don't form the brim, leave the stickers on it and wear it sideways.. or just wear wristbands for no reason..
how bad can someones life be for them to even consider doing hardcore drugs? have you ever heard this story: "ya know, my life was terrible, i lost my job, my wife left me and she got the kids.. but then i started doing meth and everything turned around for me.. i got a great job, my wife came back to me, the kids are doing great in school..." no, you haven't heard this because IT'S NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF LIFE!!! that's why it's really hard for me to have any sympathy for anyone who's hooked on drugs, because they knew what they were getting themselves into and they were dumb enough to continue it.. save the money you spend on drugs and go to school, problem solved.. unless your life is going way too well and you need to solve that pesky "clear skin" and "too many teeth" problem you have..
i've had about enough of those people who wear their underwear while riding their bikes.. mix in some pants or something that doesn't tell me whether or not you're circumcised.. this isn't the Tour De France and you deliver pizza for a living, act like it..
here is a list of when some things are acceptable and unacceptable:
Girls kissing each other:
acceptable: always
unacceptable: never
Guys kissing each other:
acceptable: while performing life-saving mouth-to-mouth
unacceptable: any time other than that
Reasons for missing work:
acceptable: sick, death in family, hungover, golfing, big sporting event
unacceptable: still drunk, in jail, because it's Wednesday, date with a hooker, can't find pants
Places it's okay for a guy to be topless in public:
acceptable: beach, basketball court, water-balloon fight
unacceptable: work Christmas party, church, children's dance recital
Places it's okay for a girl to be topless in public:
acceptable: everywhere
unacceptable: nowhere
Things it's okay to say to another guy at the gym:
acceptable: "can you spot me?"
unacceptable: "feel my biceps, are they bigger than last time?"
Answers for the question "did you see 'Dancing With the Stars'?"
acceptable: "no"
unacceptable: "yes"
Reasons for being late:
acceptable: "the game went into overtime/extra innings"
unacceptable: "my best friend called because her and her boyfriend had a huge fight"
i could go on but it's time for my beauty rest, maybe i'll continue this topic another time.. hope this cleared things up a bit..
Thursday, June 12, 2008
let's get out of here.. word to your mother..
this post is being unofficially brought to you by those guys who have tinted windows and put rims on their 1994 Honda Accord..
just ate at 5 Guys, Burgers and Fries.. Las Vegas has me listed as "Questionable: butt problems" for work tomorrow on their injury report.. adjust your fantasy lineups accordingly..
i think my favorite part of new relationships is pretending that you don't go to the bathroom for the first 4 months..
memo to hookers: we don't want to be talked to before the sex.. if we wanted to talk, we'd get a girlfriend.. we're not paying you to talk.. in fact, it's not required that you're able to talk.. not that i've paid for a hooker, but i wouldn't be seeking her advice on many situations.. also, people can stop complaining that video games hurt their children.. no, you not being a good parent hurts your children.. i've watched my roommate play Grand Theft Auto 4 for about 15 hours and he's picking up hookers left and right.. let me assure you that the times that he and i spend together around hookers, we're both very respectful..
i'm not sure i believe in monsters but something is in the dryer that makes me end up losing a fucking sock at least once every two weeks.. i think i'm going to start throwing away my socks every time i wear them so he doesn't get anything to eat.. maybe he'll die then..
is anything funnier than seeing someone buy something from a vending machine and it gets stuck? the answer, of course, is yes.. seeing someone buy something from a vending machine and then risking death by rocking it back and forth to get it unstuck.. i've seen people invent swear words for that situation.. it's like they've seen their favorite team lose the biggest game of the year, so much disappointment.. of course, rather than dig in their pocket for another 60 cents, they climb it and rock it or round up reinforcements to help so they can get their Doritos.. show me video of someone not reacting this way..
Coffee was invented for Monday mornings.. toilets were invented for later that morning..
i could make millions of dollars directing rap videos.. "okay, now you sing about fucking your bitches in the club, money, and your 'niggas' and we'll have these slightly overweight black women do that 'ass shake' thing in the background wearing this roll of floss and acting like they don't know where they are.. and ACTION"..
the amount of how cool a girl is is directly related to how much skin is showing..
if you have a date, wedding, graduation, press conference, party, job interview or picture for your drivers license you will get a zit the size of a grape on your head somewhere..
every attractive girl looks in the mirror and thinks they're less attractive.. every unattractive girl looks in the mirror and thinks they look like a supermodel.. we'll call this the "Law of the Double X Chromosome"..
Hanson's Greatest Hits CD would have "Mmm Bop" on it 12 times, right?
ending my workday today, excited about having a four-day weekend and heading to Duluth for the first time when i hear this exchange: guy (to another guy): "why weren't you online last night?" OMG, r u 4 real?? this sentence should never be said between anyone over the age of 17, and two guys should never plan to meet online unless it's fantasy football related.. that's the 7th Commandment if i remember correctly, it's been a while since i've been to church.. also, girls can meet online to exchange nude photos and cyber-sex: 8th Commandment..
if you work at Hooters, don't be offended when i look at your breasts or ass.. that'd be like a math teacher getting pissed because i asked her the square root of 9.. everything from the name of the restaurant to the outfits they squeeze you into should tip you off to what kind of establishment this is.. you're not wearing a dress and bringing me lobster and wine.. 85% of your skin is showing and you were hired because you're hot.. plus, i'm watching sports, you're bringing me beer and wings and wearing that outfit, you're lucky i'm not asking you to marry me.. accept my leering and the subsequent large tip you'll be receiving..
at the end of every months Men's Health magazine, they have statistics about the "average guy" where they poll guys about certain subjects.. this month was fatherhood.. anyway, i was stunned by this stat: "1 in 20: if men could choose the gender, the number who would opt for a girl".. 5% of guys want a girl?? i don't know if my opinion is swayed by the nieces i have but i would rather have a girl than a boy at this point.. i wouldn't be upset with a boy, every dad would love to have a son to play catch with, watch sports with, help fix the car and all that manly stuff.. but i love the idea of the father-daughter relationship.. it's just so cool.. plus, i've been working out lately so i could intimidate any guys she tries to date........ in 30 years......
just ate at 5 Guys, Burgers and Fries.. Las Vegas has me listed as "Questionable: butt problems" for work tomorrow on their injury report.. adjust your fantasy lineups accordingly..
i think my favorite part of new relationships is pretending that you don't go to the bathroom for the first 4 months..
memo to hookers: we don't want to be talked to before the sex.. if we wanted to talk, we'd get a girlfriend.. we're not paying you to talk.. in fact, it's not required that you're able to talk.. not that i've paid for a hooker, but i wouldn't be seeking her advice on many situations.. also, people can stop complaining that video games hurt their children.. no, you not being a good parent hurts your children.. i've watched my roommate play Grand Theft Auto 4 for about 15 hours and he's picking up hookers left and right.. let me assure you that the times that he and i spend together around hookers, we're both very respectful..
i'm not sure i believe in monsters but something is in the dryer that makes me end up losing a fucking sock at least once every two weeks.. i think i'm going to start throwing away my socks every time i wear them so he doesn't get anything to eat.. maybe he'll die then..
is anything funnier than seeing someone buy something from a vending machine and it gets stuck? the answer, of course, is yes.. seeing someone buy something from a vending machine and then risking death by rocking it back and forth to get it unstuck.. i've seen people invent swear words for that situation.. it's like they've seen their favorite team lose the biggest game of the year, so much disappointment.. of course, rather than dig in their pocket for another 60 cents, they climb it and rock it or round up reinforcements to help so they can get their Doritos.. show me video of someone not reacting this way..
Coffee was invented for Monday mornings.. toilets were invented for later that morning..
i could make millions of dollars directing rap videos.. "okay, now you sing about fucking your bitches in the club, money, and your 'niggas' and we'll have these slightly overweight black women do that 'ass shake' thing in the background wearing this roll of floss and acting like they don't know where they are.. and ACTION"..
the amount of how cool a girl is is directly related to how much skin is showing..
if you have a date, wedding, graduation, press conference, party, job interview or picture for your drivers license you will get a zit the size of a grape on your head somewhere..
every attractive girl looks in the mirror and thinks they're less attractive.. every unattractive girl looks in the mirror and thinks they look like a supermodel.. we'll call this the "Law of the Double X Chromosome"..
Hanson's Greatest Hits CD would have "Mmm Bop" on it 12 times, right?
ending my workday today, excited about having a four-day weekend and heading to Duluth for the first time when i hear this exchange: guy (to another guy): "why weren't you online last night?" OMG, r u 4 real?? this sentence should never be said between anyone over the age of 17, and two guys should never plan to meet online unless it's fantasy football related.. that's the 7th Commandment if i remember correctly, it's been a while since i've been to church.. also, girls can meet online to exchange nude photos and cyber-sex: 8th Commandment..
if you work at Hooters, don't be offended when i look at your breasts or ass.. that'd be like a math teacher getting pissed because i asked her the square root of 9.. everything from the name of the restaurant to the outfits they squeeze you into should tip you off to what kind of establishment this is.. you're not wearing a dress and bringing me lobster and wine.. 85% of your skin is showing and you were hired because you're hot.. plus, i'm watching sports, you're bringing me beer and wings and wearing that outfit, you're lucky i'm not asking you to marry me.. accept my leering and the subsequent large tip you'll be receiving..
at the end of every months Men's Health magazine, they have statistics about the "average guy" where they poll guys about certain subjects.. this month was fatherhood.. anyway, i was stunned by this stat: "1 in 20: if men could choose the gender, the number who would opt for a girl".. 5% of guys want a girl?? i don't know if my opinion is swayed by the nieces i have but i would rather have a girl than a boy at this point.. i wouldn't be upset with a boy, every dad would love to have a son to play catch with, watch sports with, help fix the car and all that manly stuff.. but i love the idea of the father-daughter relationship.. it's just so cool.. plus, i've been working out lately so i could intimidate any guys she tries to date........ in 30 years......
Monday, June 9, 2008
smile before bed, you'll sleep better..
this post is being unofficially brought to you by those guys who wear NBA jerseys and gold chains to bars..
i think the greatest phrase in the English language is "liquor-fueled lesbian rampage"..
if i didn't take care of it, i'd have the same eyebrow situation as Bert from Sesame Street.. (see: one eyebrow).. "eyebrow" should be plural at all times.. if it's not, something went horribly wrong..
to those ladies in the apartment across the street: when it's 85 degrees, it's okay to wake up and not immediately wrap your bed sheets around your head and stand on the sidewalk.. this isn't a race thing, it's a comfort/style thing.. it's just not practical..
i'm not sure what situation is worse: losing one end of the drawstring to my basketball shorts into the hole and spending a half hour trying to get it back out OR having the image of a penis sunburned onto my face..
Lance Bass is gay, if anyone missed that..
one more presidential candidate has conceded so it's down to two.. now my favorite part is going to be after the election is over, seeing bumper stickers of the losing party plastered all over cars until the summer of 2011.. i think those Kerry/Edwards supporters have finally figured it out.. that is, if we're still able to drive in 2011 without handing over our children in exchange for gas..
after seeing Julia Roberts on with David Letterman last week, she became my unusual celebrity crush.. she's so flipping cool.. if she asks about me, let her know i'm interested..
and on that note, if any girl is qualified enough to be considered "lava hot", it's Emmanuelle Chriqui who played Sloan on HBO's "Entourage".. i could love her for the next 65 years.. in fact, that would be my pick up line.. if she asks about me, let her know i've been stalking her..
in case you're wondering, i don't take steroids to be this goofy.. it's all natural..
here are some rules for married girls: 1) always wear your wedding ring 2) don't be the drunkest member of a bachelorette party 3) don't be extremely attractive 4) don't drag me onto the dance floor and compliment me for being "the only one here who knows songs by Ryan Adams".. it give me false hope that i'm going to be drunkenly making out with you later in the evening.. yes, i'm talking to you, girl in the red and white sparkly top at the bar on Saturday night.. in fact, married girls shouldn't go to bars, period.. what could go wrong? besides everything.. guys go to bars to pick up chicks.. if you're already taken, you're wasting our time.. if you must go to a bar, wear a snowmobile suit or something that makes you look like a lesbian, like an "I heart Rosie O'Donnell baggy t-shirt"..
in my 10 years of actively consuming alcohol, i've never reached the point of puking.. i just don't see the pleasure that some people seem to get in reaching that point basically every weekend.. trust me, i've drank enough to the point where i've felt pretty iffy, and even that is uncomfortable for me (ask the girl that sat beside me in Algebra my freshman year of college).. i like to have a pretty good idea as to what happened the night before and it's a hell of a lot more fun to fall asleep in my bed as opposed to next to a toilet or girl with chlamydia, i assume.. i have a ton of fun when i go out and i drink to the point where i know i've basically reached my limit.. i don't know if i have a good tolerance for it or what the deal is but i know i don't need to puke to enjoy myself.. or urinate in the family room of the home of the parents of a former roommate.. hypothetically..
my housemates and i have this running theme of giving nicknames to some of the girls who enter the house in a somewhat romantic fashion.. it's hilarious and usually not malicious.. off the top of my head, i'm going to name as many as i can along with the reasoning, and without attaching their "mate" to avoid embarrassment: Sixer (brought over a 6-pack of beer the first time she came over), Cheese (allowed one of us to fill her mouth with that cheese-in-a-can stuff), Dick Sucker (enough said), Ginger (red-headed with freckles), MySpace (was met on MySpace), MySpace II (same), Face Issues (not very pretty, to be polite), Hot Mom (had a child), Page 3 (was on page 3 of "friends" list on MySpace), CP (is an abbreviation for a somewhat X-rated phrase, not important), Wingnut (has a Wingnut Tattoos sticker on the back window of her car), Bingo (wanted to go play Bingo at a bar), Magic (was "sick", one of us asked if she had AIDS, so "Magic" refers to Magic Johnson, who has HIV).. see, how fun and non-immature is that?? i'm sure i'll hear it if i missed any but this is the best i can do on such short notice.. thanks for being a part of our lives and our silly little game, ladies..
because some of you don't know, it's okay to expect a tip if you deliver something to my house or rely on tips as a source of income (i.e. servers at restaurants, hair stylists, masseuses, etc.).. but if you take 2 minutes to pour me a cup of coffee and charge me $4 for it, don't have a "tip jar" on the damn counter because i'm already over-paying for the coffee by about $3.75.. in fact, if you need to put a "tip jar" up to remind customers to give you a tip, you won't be getting one from me.. unless you want me to inform you of a good acne prescription or tell you to take that javelin out of your earlobe.. there's my tip.. share it with your co-workers..
so i'm watching porn on Cinemax the other day (i'll explain later) and it absolutely blows my mind how bad the acting in porn is.. they should have real actors do the storyline and all the stuff that requires talent, then the plastic women and dudes with tree trunks for penises go do the stuff that requires absolutely nothing at all besides the ability to have no dignity, pride, or feeling of self-worth.. consider this actual sequence which occurred: three dumb blonde's are trying to solve the mystery of someone missing and are having trouble coming up with clues, until one of them says, "maybe if we go over to this tree it will jog our memory"... ummm great point.. i know when i'm around trees i turn into fucking Sherlock Holmes.. when i'm camping, i can remember basically everything after the point i got my umbilical cord cut.. they then proceed to make out and lick each others naughty parts, which i didn't see coming at all.. what do these women use for their breast implants, their brains? it's unbelievable.. anyway, back to the reason i was watching porn: guys like porn... actually one night we had people over and were drinking and the title of a movie caught our eye (was sexual in nature), so we decided to order Cinemax.. i seriously came across this movie on accident but i'm one of those guys who when i see three half-naked girls talking dumb, i'm either watching porn or "Girls Next Door", and i'm not quick to change the channel off either of these.. i'm a 24-year-old male, sue me..
my perfect honeymoon is going to Colorado, renting a cabin with an awesome view, hot tub and huge fireplace, learning how to snowboard and/or ski during the day, then doing all that romantic "consummating the marriage" stuff at night.. next up: winning lottery and finding girl willing to marry me.. at least the easy part is over..
i read Cosmo in the sauna today which is pretty much a weekly ritual for me at this point.. i accept all the jokes and getting made fun of by my roommates but the reality is that it's like having the other teams playbook.. i read all the stuff that women think and like and it gives me the edge on the guy who has no fucking clue, at least i like to think that.. anyway, the issue i read tonight had 99 sex facts and a few were surprising and/or interesting, which i'll share with you now:
10) The French term for pubic lice is papillons d'amour or 'butterflies of love'..... great news, i can sleep better now..
14) In ancient Athens, a cheating male was sometimes punished by having his pubic hair removed and a large radish inserted into his rectum.... suddenly that urge to cheat is no longer a problem..
16) If your guy is one of the many who fall asleep right after sex, don't take it personally. An orgasm actually activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls the "rest and digest" function of the body.... so don't get offended when we don't get all cuddly afterwards.. sleeping means we're satisfied, take it as a compliment..
35) Penis length isn't nearly as important as girth. The wider his package, the better able you are to feel him against your sensitive vaginal walls. Also, the length of a flaccid penis has no direct correlation to the size of the same penis when erect... i think the kids say "it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean"??
42) More Americans teens lose their virginity in June than in any other month.... my birthday is June 26Th and this is only a coincidence, i promise.. no surprising appearances on "To Catch A Predator" for me because i wanted a "birthday present" from a 13-year-old girl home alone in a mansion with cookies and punch on the counter..
76) According to a study in The Journal of Sex Research, couples report that foreplay generally lasts 11 to 13 minutes and intercourse usually lasts roughly 7 to 8 minutes.... that's like the previews lasting longer than the movie isn't it? i was surprised by the average length of the main event but i guess it's good news??
94) The Italian method: the art of putting a condom on a guy with your mouth....French kissing has nothing on this..
a final note: a special thanks to Joey on "Real World: Hollywood" for making me feel better about myself and my life.. guys should work out for two reasons: 1) to attract girls, and 2) to look better naked for said girls.. girls work out for three reasons 1) to attract guys 2) to look better naked for said guys, and 3) so their butt looks cute in all the clothes they buy... you shouldn't work out because you're absolutely incensed at the world and it's the only way you won't kill yourself.. i'll be here if you need anything else..
i think the greatest phrase in the English language is "liquor-fueled lesbian rampage"..
if i didn't take care of it, i'd have the same eyebrow situation as Bert from Sesame Street.. (see: one eyebrow).. "eyebrow" should be plural at all times.. if it's not, something went horribly wrong..
to those ladies in the apartment across the street: when it's 85 degrees, it's okay to wake up and not immediately wrap your bed sheets around your head and stand on the sidewalk.. this isn't a race thing, it's a comfort/style thing.. it's just not practical..
i'm not sure what situation is worse: losing one end of the drawstring to my basketball shorts into the hole and spending a half hour trying to get it back out OR having the image of a penis sunburned onto my face..
Lance Bass is gay, if anyone missed that..
one more presidential candidate has conceded so it's down to two.. now my favorite part is going to be after the election is over, seeing bumper stickers of the losing party plastered all over cars until the summer of 2011.. i think those Kerry/Edwards supporters have finally figured it out.. that is, if we're still able to drive in 2011 without handing over our children in exchange for gas..
after seeing Julia Roberts on with David Letterman last week, she became my unusual celebrity crush.. she's so flipping cool.. if she asks about me, let her know i'm interested..
and on that note, if any girl is qualified enough to be considered "lava hot", it's Emmanuelle Chriqui who played Sloan on HBO's "Entourage".. i could love her for the next 65 years.. in fact, that would be my pick up line.. if she asks about me, let her know i've been stalking her..
in case you're wondering, i don't take steroids to be this goofy.. it's all natural..
here are some rules for married girls: 1) always wear your wedding ring 2) don't be the drunkest member of a bachelorette party 3) don't be extremely attractive 4) don't drag me onto the dance floor and compliment me for being "the only one here who knows songs by Ryan Adams".. it give me false hope that i'm going to be drunkenly making out with you later in the evening.. yes, i'm talking to you, girl in the red and white sparkly top at the bar on Saturday night.. in fact, married girls shouldn't go to bars, period.. what could go wrong? besides everything.. guys go to bars to pick up chicks.. if you're already taken, you're wasting our time.. if you must go to a bar, wear a snowmobile suit or something that makes you look like a lesbian, like an "I heart Rosie O'Donnell baggy t-shirt"..
in my 10 years of actively consuming alcohol, i've never reached the point of puking.. i just don't see the pleasure that some people seem to get in reaching that point basically every weekend.. trust me, i've drank enough to the point where i've felt pretty iffy, and even that is uncomfortable for me (ask the girl that sat beside me in Algebra my freshman year of college).. i like to have a pretty good idea as to what happened the night before and it's a hell of a lot more fun to fall asleep in my bed as opposed to next to a toilet or girl with chlamydia, i assume.. i have a ton of fun when i go out and i drink to the point where i know i've basically reached my limit.. i don't know if i have a good tolerance for it or what the deal is but i know i don't need to puke to enjoy myself.. or urinate in the family room of the home of the parents of a former roommate.. hypothetically..
my housemates and i have this running theme of giving nicknames to some of the girls who enter the house in a somewhat romantic fashion.. it's hilarious and usually not malicious.. off the top of my head, i'm going to name as many as i can along with the reasoning, and without attaching their "mate" to avoid embarrassment: Sixer (brought over a 6-pack of beer the first time she came over), Cheese (allowed one of us to fill her mouth with that cheese-in-a-can stuff), Dick Sucker (enough said), Ginger (red-headed with freckles), MySpace (was met on MySpace), MySpace II (same), Face Issues (not very pretty, to be polite), Hot Mom (had a child), Page 3 (was on page 3 of "friends" list on MySpace), CP (is an abbreviation for a somewhat X-rated phrase, not important), Wingnut (has a Wingnut Tattoos sticker on the back window of her car), Bingo (wanted to go play Bingo at a bar), Magic (was "sick", one of us asked if she had AIDS, so "Magic" refers to Magic Johnson, who has HIV).. see, how fun and non-immature is that?? i'm sure i'll hear it if i missed any but this is the best i can do on such short notice.. thanks for being a part of our lives and our silly little game, ladies..
because some of you don't know, it's okay to expect a tip if you deliver something to my house or rely on tips as a source of income (i.e. servers at restaurants, hair stylists, masseuses, etc.).. but if you take 2 minutes to pour me a cup of coffee and charge me $4 for it, don't have a "tip jar" on the damn counter because i'm already over-paying for the coffee by about $3.75.. in fact, if you need to put a "tip jar" up to remind customers to give you a tip, you won't be getting one from me.. unless you want me to inform you of a good acne prescription or tell you to take that javelin out of your earlobe.. there's my tip.. share it with your co-workers..
so i'm watching porn on Cinemax the other day (i'll explain later) and it absolutely blows my mind how bad the acting in porn is.. they should have real actors do the storyline and all the stuff that requires talent, then the plastic women and dudes with tree trunks for penises go do the stuff that requires absolutely nothing at all besides the ability to have no dignity, pride, or feeling of self-worth.. consider this actual sequence which occurred: three dumb blonde's are trying to solve the mystery of someone missing and are having trouble coming up with clues, until one of them says, "maybe if we go over to this tree it will jog our memory"... ummm great point.. i know when i'm around trees i turn into fucking Sherlock Holmes.. when i'm camping, i can remember basically everything after the point i got my umbilical cord cut.. they then proceed to make out and lick each others naughty parts, which i didn't see coming at all.. what do these women use for their breast implants, their brains? it's unbelievable.. anyway, back to the reason i was watching porn: guys like porn... actually one night we had people over and were drinking and the title of a movie caught our eye (was sexual in nature), so we decided to order Cinemax.. i seriously came across this movie on accident but i'm one of those guys who when i see three half-naked girls talking dumb, i'm either watching porn or "Girls Next Door", and i'm not quick to change the channel off either of these.. i'm a 24-year-old male, sue me..
my perfect honeymoon is going to Colorado, renting a cabin with an awesome view, hot tub and huge fireplace, learning how to snowboard and/or ski during the day, then doing all that romantic "consummating the marriage" stuff at night.. next up: winning lottery and finding girl willing to marry me.. at least the easy part is over..
i read Cosmo in the sauna today which is pretty much a weekly ritual for me at this point.. i accept all the jokes and getting made fun of by my roommates but the reality is that it's like having the other teams playbook.. i read all the stuff that women think and like and it gives me the edge on the guy who has no fucking clue, at least i like to think that.. anyway, the issue i read tonight had 99 sex facts and a few were surprising and/or interesting, which i'll share with you now:
10) The French term for pubic lice is papillons d'amour or 'butterflies of love'..... great news, i can sleep better now..
14) In ancient Athens, a cheating male was sometimes punished by having his pubic hair removed and a large radish inserted into his rectum.... suddenly that urge to cheat is no longer a problem..
16) If your guy is one of the many who fall asleep right after sex, don't take it personally. An orgasm actually activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which controls the "rest and digest" function of the body.... so don't get offended when we don't get all cuddly afterwards.. sleeping means we're satisfied, take it as a compliment..
35) Penis length isn't nearly as important as girth. The wider his package, the better able you are to feel him against your sensitive vaginal walls. Also, the length of a flaccid penis has no direct correlation to the size of the same penis when erect... i think the kids say "it's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean"??
42) More Americans teens lose their virginity in June than in any other month.... my birthday is June 26Th and this is only a coincidence, i promise.. no surprising appearances on "To Catch A Predator" for me because i wanted a "birthday present" from a 13-year-old girl home alone in a mansion with cookies and punch on the counter..
76) According to a study in The Journal of Sex Research, couples report that foreplay generally lasts 11 to 13 minutes and intercourse usually lasts roughly 7 to 8 minutes.... that's like the previews lasting longer than the movie isn't it? i was surprised by the average length of the main event but i guess it's good news??
94) The Italian method: the art of putting a condom on a guy with your mouth....French kissing has nothing on this..
a final note: a special thanks to Joey on "Real World: Hollywood" for making me feel better about myself and my life.. guys should work out for two reasons: 1) to attract girls, and 2) to look better naked for said girls.. girls work out for three reasons 1) to attract guys 2) to look better naked for said guys, and 3) so their butt looks cute in all the clothes they buy... you shouldn't work out because you're absolutely incensed at the world and it's the only way you won't kill yourself.. i'll be here if you need anything else..
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
note to professional athletes: stop being moron's (plus testicle stuff!)..
due to your several requests, this post will feature many references to my testicles.. enjoy..
the Denver Broncos released running back Travis Henry yesterday, which in itself isn't a big deal.. but this might be: Henry, 28, has 9 children.. with NINE different women!!! is this even possible? you can't possibly believe that he's so unlucky that every woman he's slept with has gotten pregnant, so how many girls has he really been with? enough that, although he signed a 5-year, $22.5 million contract last summer with $12 million in guarantees, he "can't afford" to pay child support to the seven children he's been ordered by various courts to pay for.. and either he has the worst luck with protection or he may have STD's that have yet to be discovered.. either way, i wouldn't want to be in his shoes.. and of all people to lose their job just before Fathers' Day...
in my last post, i talked about how some softball players get way too into their games and how i thought it was comical.. well last night i was asked to play with my cousins team and i agreed.. the teams in this league were the exact opposite of that.. two pitchers in consecutive games were smoking cigarettes during the game.. that's fairly nonchalant, right? that's the kind of softball i can deal with.. but i played catcher during the game, and it's hard to determine how far to sit back so you can balance not getting hit in the skull with the bat and not looking like a pussy.. i guess i'll be a pussy with all my teeth (there's an image).. i was happy to simply avoid taking a foul ball off the seeds.. successful '08 softball debut..
went to the gym tonight and sat in the sauna, which i do about once a week.. usually i'll read a girly magazine like Cosmo in there just because it's interesting to read what girls think, what they want in relationships, etc. or if they're right on guessing what goes on in guys heads (usually not).. but by this point i could probably write my own Cosmo article, have it published and no one would know the difference.. for not having a great amount of relationship experience, i feel that i'm pretty in tune to how girls like to be treated and all that nonsense.. maybe having a twin sister helped me realize that side of things.. but seriously, how many "new sex tips" can they come up with every month??.. they have to be out by now, they invent 257 every month.. ridiculous.. also, not many things in life can prepare you for the transition of coming out of the sauna with sweat pouring out of you to turning on a freezing cold shower aimed direction at your cherries.. or i guess i should say blueberries.. if that doesn't wake you up, try meth..
on the topic of meth, i'm trying to figure out which combination of friends and drugs would most likely land me on "Cops", which is one of my life goals.. it's come down to: drug dealers and crack, homeless men and paint to huff, single mothers and marijuana, NFL cheerleaders and Ecstasy, or hookers and meth.. too close to call at this point but i'll keep you updated..
if i would ever need a mystery solved, my first phone call would be to Frank and Joe Hardy of Hardy Boys fame.. these guys have solved hundreds of cases over the course of one year of high school.. that's amazing.. i guarantee that neither Dick Tracy nor Sherlock Holmes could provide that kind of resume.. plus they'll do anything.. swim through swamps with alligators, chase down werewolves, whatever you need.. and if they need help, i'd get the Boxcar children (Benny, Violet, Jessica and the old boy who may or may not be named Thomas.. shit, what is his name?? ahh who cares, i'll put Frank and Joe on the case)..
has anyone ever walked through airport security with any sort of confidence? the look on everyone's face screams "i wonder if i kept my samurai sword in these pants?".. i know if i was going to smuggle a sharp object somewhere, i'd place it snug against my testicles.. but i've gone through the security several times damn near naked and had absolutely no idea what could be beeping.. i just know one of these times i'm going to end up in one of those back rooms answering questions about the weapons i'm trying to bring on board, while applying lotion to my nipple rings..
note to those huge guys at the gym: just because you're wearing earphones while lifting that semi truck over your head doesn't mean we can't hear your grunting.. lift something smaller.. you're not impressing that hot chick on the stairmaster, you're interrupting her watching "Grey's Anatomy".. not a good first impression..
i fully believe eating ice cream while reading Men's Health is a step in the right direction.. it's the thought that counts..
the Denver Broncos released running back Travis Henry yesterday, which in itself isn't a big deal.. but this might be: Henry, 28, has 9 children.. with NINE different women!!! is this even possible? you can't possibly believe that he's so unlucky that every woman he's slept with has gotten pregnant, so how many girls has he really been with? enough that, although he signed a 5-year, $22.5 million contract last summer with $12 million in guarantees, he "can't afford" to pay child support to the seven children he's been ordered by various courts to pay for.. and either he has the worst luck with protection or he may have STD's that have yet to be discovered.. either way, i wouldn't want to be in his shoes.. and of all people to lose their job just before Fathers' Day...
in my last post, i talked about how some softball players get way too into their games and how i thought it was comical.. well last night i was asked to play with my cousins team and i agreed.. the teams in this league were the exact opposite of that.. two pitchers in consecutive games were smoking cigarettes during the game.. that's fairly nonchalant, right? that's the kind of softball i can deal with.. but i played catcher during the game, and it's hard to determine how far to sit back so you can balance not getting hit in the skull with the bat and not looking like a pussy.. i guess i'll be a pussy with all my teeth (there's an image).. i was happy to simply avoid taking a foul ball off the seeds.. successful '08 softball debut..
went to the gym tonight and sat in the sauna, which i do about once a week.. usually i'll read a girly magazine like Cosmo in there just because it's interesting to read what girls think, what they want in relationships, etc. or if they're right on guessing what goes on in guys heads (usually not).. but by this point i could probably write my own Cosmo article, have it published and no one would know the difference.. for not having a great amount of relationship experience, i feel that i'm pretty in tune to how girls like to be treated and all that nonsense.. maybe having a twin sister helped me realize that side of things.. but seriously, how many "new sex tips" can they come up with every month??.. they have to be out by now, they invent 257 every month.. ridiculous.. also, not many things in life can prepare you for the transition of coming out of the sauna with sweat pouring out of you to turning on a freezing cold shower aimed direction at your cherries.. or i guess i should say blueberries.. if that doesn't wake you up, try meth..
on the topic of meth, i'm trying to figure out which combination of friends and drugs would most likely land me on "Cops", which is one of my life goals.. it's come down to: drug dealers and crack, homeless men and paint to huff, single mothers and marijuana, NFL cheerleaders and Ecstasy, or hookers and meth.. too close to call at this point but i'll keep you updated..
if i would ever need a mystery solved, my first phone call would be to Frank and Joe Hardy of Hardy Boys fame.. these guys have solved hundreds of cases over the course of one year of high school.. that's amazing.. i guarantee that neither Dick Tracy nor Sherlock Holmes could provide that kind of resume.. plus they'll do anything.. swim through swamps with alligators, chase down werewolves, whatever you need.. and if they need help, i'd get the Boxcar children (Benny, Violet, Jessica and the old boy who may or may not be named Thomas.. shit, what is his name?? ahh who cares, i'll put Frank and Joe on the case)..
has anyone ever walked through airport security with any sort of confidence? the look on everyone's face screams "i wonder if i kept my samurai sword in these pants?".. i know if i was going to smuggle a sharp object somewhere, i'd place it snug against my testicles.. but i've gone through the security several times damn near naked and had absolutely no idea what could be beeping.. i just know one of these times i'm going to end up in one of those back rooms answering questions about the weapons i'm trying to bring on board, while applying lotion to my nipple rings..
note to those huge guys at the gym: just because you're wearing earphones while lifting that semi truck over your head doesn't mean we can't hear your grunting.. lift something smaller.. you're not impressing that hot chick on the stairmaster, you're interrupting her watching "Grey's Anatomy".. not a good first impression..
i fully believe eating ice cream while reading Men's Health is a step in the right direction.. it's the thought that counts..
Sunday, June 1, 2008
random
this post is unofficially being brought to you by that one Linkin Park song where one guy raps while the other guy screams..
if i had the choice between sex with all 26 "case girls" on Deal or No Deal or a lifetime supply of strawberry Gushers, it would take me a while to decide..
i can't be the only one aware of the sexual tension between Bert and Ernie, can i?
if Ja Rule was playing a free concert in my backyard, i'd turn out the lights and go to bed..
we've sent people into outer space but we can't make cars that have headlights automatically turn on when your windshield wipers go on? i don't know how many idiots i have to nearly run into because i can't see them when it's raining.. it's not brain surgery..
how many e-mails do i have to get telling me to buy a pill that will increase my penis size? if i'm looking to get into porn, i'll think about it.. on that same topic: one of my roommates while watching a Cialis commercial tonight says, "why do we need a 12 minute commercial for this? just say 'take this, get a boner'".. solid point..
i can't wait to see a kid wearing those "roller sneaker" things roll directly into on-coming traffic..
i'm more likely to call in sick to work if i have painful pimple than if i have the flu..
what is it about bonfires that makes it perfectly acceptable to sit in a circle and stare at the ground for 3 hours? without a fire to look at, it's impossible.. with a fire, it's nearly impossible to leave..
i'd be surprised if more than zero people know how to spell better than whoever wins the National Scripts Spelling Bee, hosted by ESPN and Erin Andrews (thank God)..
on the 1-10 "slut" scale, every girl goes up .5 points with every alcoholic beverage.. on the 1-10 "horny" scale, every guy goes up .5 with every alcoholic beverage.. that can't be a coincidence..
i like how some people who play softball treat it like game 7 of the World Series.. any sport that can be dominated by 275 pound men while drinking beer shouldn't be taken seriously..
watching Sportscenter while typing this, they just had a story similar to the movie "Ladder 49", which i did not cry during, contrary to the reports in the Enquirer.. it was dusty in the room.. anyway, a man was the coach of a high school basketball team as well as a captain of a fire department.. he had coached these kids since 8Th grade and told them then that they could win a state championship by the time they graduated if they worked hard at it.. the summer before their senior year, he responded to a structure fire at a furniture store and was trapped inside.. he called for mayday and said over the radio to tell his wife that he loved her.. this was one day after their one-year wedding anniversary.. getting dusty again.. anyway, he and 8 other firefighters died fighting that fire.. well his basketball team ended up in the championship game where they led by 2 points with 1.7 seconds left.. one player on the team was on the free throw line with a one-and-one opportunity to seal the game.. he missed the first attempt, the other team gets the rebound, the player takes 2 dribbles and heaves a 65-foot shot that goes in and the referees allow.. the players are obviously crushed and hoping the play gets reversed.. the officials gather and without looking at a video replay decide that the shot happened too late and would not count.. i took 15 minutes out of my blogging just enthralled with the story.. super sad but a very cool ending.. not often ESPN gives you that feeling in your throat where you're about to cry..
if i had the choice between sex with all 26 "case girls" on Deal or No Deal or a lifetime supply of strawberry Gushers, it would take me a while to decide..
i can't be the only one aware of the sexual tension between Bert and Ernie, can i?
if Ja Rule was playing a free concert in my backyard, i'd turn out the lights and go to bed..
we've sent people into outer space but we can't make cars that have headlights automatically turn on when your windshield wipers go on? i don't know how many idiots i have to nearly run into because i can't see them when it's raining.. it's not brain surgery..
how many e-mails do i have to get telling me to buy a pill that will increase my penis size? if i'm looking to get into porn, i'll think about it.. on that same topic: one of my roommates while watching a Cialis commercial tonight says, "why do we need a 12 minute commercial for this? just say 'take this, get a boner'".. solid point..
i can't wait to see a kid wearing those "roller sneaker" things roll directly into on-coming traffic..
i'm more likely to call in sick to work if i have painful pimple than if i have the flu..
what is it about bonfires that makes it perfectly acceptable to sit in a circle and stare at the ground for 3 hours? without a fire to look at, it's impossible.. with a fire, it's nearly impossible to leave..
i'd be surprised if more than zero people know how to spell better than whoever wins the National Scripts Spelling Bee, hosted by ESPN and Erin Andrews (thank God)..
on the 1-10 "slut" scale, every girl goes up .5 points with every alcoholic beverage.. on the 1-10 "horny" scale, every guy goes up .5 with every alcoholic beverage.. that can't be a coincidence..
i like how some people who play softball treat it like game 7 of the World Series.. any sport that can be dominated by 275 pound men while drinking beer shouldn't be taken seriously..
watching Sportscenter while typing this, they just had a story similar to the movie "Ladder 49", which i did not cry during, contrary to the reports in the Enquirer.. it was dusty in the room.. anyway, a man was the coach of a high school basketball team as well as a captain of a fire department.. he had coached these kids since 8Th grade and told them then that they could win a state championship by the time they graduated if they worked hard at it.. the summer before their senior year, he responded to a structure fire at a furniture store and was trapped inside.. he called for mayday and said over the radio to tell his wife that he loved her.. this was one day after their one-year wedding anniversary.. getting dusty again.. anyway, he and 8 other firefighters died fighting that fire.. well his basketball team ended up in the championship game where they led by 2 points with 1.7 seconds left.. one player on the team was on the free throw line with a one-and-one opportunity to seal the game.. he missed the first attempt, the other team gets the rebound, the player takes 2 dribbles and heaves a 65-foot shot that goes in and the referees allow.. the players are obviously crushed and hoping the play gets reversed.. the officials gather and without looking at a video replay decide that the shot happened too late and would not count.. i took 15 minutes out of my blogging just enthralled with the story.. super sad but a very cool ending.. not often ESPN gives you that feeling in your throat where you're about to cry..
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